Heads over Heels
by HermioneGirl96
Summary: A story about Lily and James's relationship during their seventh year at Hogwarts, but not told in the usual way. James is depressed and angry; Lily is confused and trying to help. Plenty of desperation, but also some fluff and some humor. Serious consideration given to Lily's remaining concern for Severus and to her friendship with Remus. T for dark themes and occasional language.
1. Denial

**Disclaimer: As sad as it is for me, I don't own Harry Potter. Or his parents. Or their friends.**

**A note on what you're about to start reading (added after the story has ended): I wrote "Heads over Heels" over the course of nearly four years—pretty much for my entire high school career. During this time, it was the closest thing I had to a diary; it was a fictitious abstraction of my life, emphasizing some parts of my reality while completely changing others (obviously, I never went to Hogwarts). **

**Given what the purpose this story has served and the way that the past four years have gone for me, "Heads over Heels" can be rather dark. It can also be confusing, and sometimes the characters act in ways that don't make sense. This is how I have interpreted my reality; if everyone always acts sensibly in your life, I want to know the secret to your order.**

**I think it's important to say that I don't endorse everything that happens in this story. The codependence, gender roles, and secrecy featured in "Heads over Heels" are all parts of my reality whose problematic nature I am still in the process of realizing. "Heads over Heels" is not and never was an attempt to tell a story as it should be, but rather to tell a story as it very well could be. I believe that we are all, to some extent, muddling through issues we don't really know how to handle, and I think that one way to handle them is the way depicted in this narrative. Whether that way is good or healthy is a different question entirely, and I think that this particular narrative shows coping mechanisms and solutions that are problematic and damaging at times. This is not a how-to manual; it's a journey through a messy set of circumstances with few obvious answers.**

"Hello, Evans."

Lily Evans groaned as she laid eyes on her worst nightmare. Actually, these days James Potter was her second-worst nightmare—first prize was taken by Lily's ex-best friend, Severus Snape, and his idiotic Slytherin chums. Still, James was a very close second.

"Hello, Evans," James repeated.

"What in Merlin's name are you doing here?" Lily demanded. She and James were in the prefect compartment; only the head boy and girl of Hogwarts were supposed to be there at the moment. That James Potter was head boy was simply out of the question; he must have heard that Lily was head girl and come to the compartment to annoy her. There was still the matter of who the head boy was, though; perhaps he was in cahoots with James and had agreed to leave him alone with Lily for a while.

"I'm head boy," James answered, waving a very authentic-looking head boy badge in her face.

"Very funny, Potter," Lily drawled. "Did Remus lend you the badge, or did you steal it?" Despite Lily's loathing of the lead Marauders, she was rather good friends with their friend Remus Lupin, who for the past two years had been her fellow prefect. This had led to a lot of judgment paradoxes for Lily, who had discovered that Remus was a werewolf and the other Marauders, whom she held in so much scorn, went to great lengths to help their friend—lengths whose specifics Lily would have loved to use against James and Sirius, though Remus had sworn her very strictly to secrecy. Despite knowing how much the two troublemakers did for their friend, however, James and Sirius pulled enough cruel pranks on innocent, defenseless students that Lily felt almost no guilt hating them.

"_I'm _head boy," James repeated. "This badge belongs to me." He waved the badge in her face again.

"Dumbledore's _far_ too brilliant to make _you _head boy," Lily retorted. "Seriously, whose badge is that?"

"Mine," James reitterated. He sounded slightly annoyed.

"Stop playing games with me, Potter. You're not head boy. Give up the ghost," Lily insisted.

"Why do you always assume the worst about me, Evans?" James demanded, sounding rather anguished.

"You're an arrogant, bullying toe-rag," Lily replied automatically.

"Has it ever crossed your mind that maybe I've changed in the past year and a half or so? Can't you at least give me a chance?" James pleaded.

"Not on my life, Potter. Now tell me whose badge you nicked."

James fumbled in his pocket for a second before producing a folded, crumpled letter. Lily read it in disbelief. Signed by Professor McGonagall, it named James Potter head boy of Hogwarts. The wording was identical to that on Lily's letter, except that it named James head boy instead of naming Lily head girl. "Now will you believe me?"

Lily shook her head. "Forgery." She took out her wand and performed several spells on the letter to try to prove it was fake, but none of the spells turned up positive for any kind of forgery whatsoever. At last, she pursed her lips and tried to think of an alternate explanation. "Brilliant charms work, Potter," she said finally.

"Charms is your subject, Evans," James replied. "I've trailed you in that class since day one. I could never cast a charm you couldn't detect."

"Did Black or Remus help you?" Lily tried, privately a bit surprised that James knew that charms was her best class.

"Evans, the letter's real. Accept it."

Lily cast several more spells on the letter. Finally, she turned away and sank into a seat on the opposite side of the compartment, burying her face in her hands.

"What's wrong?" James asked. The concern in his voice was so genuine Lily almost wanted to believe it.

"I'm head girl and you're head boy. What _isn't_ wrong?" she retorted.

"Come on, what's so bad about that?"

"Everything," Lily moaned.

"But why?" James challenged.

"You're an arrogant, idiotic, bullying, immature, moronic, big-headed, sarcastic, cruel, reckless, rule-breaking, lazy, egomaniacal toe-rag!" Lily yelled. "I hate you! I hate everything about you, from the way you mess up your hair and play with that stupid Snitch to the way you hex people just for the fun of it! You're despicable! And I have to patrol with you, share duties with you, plan events with you, and make decisions with you. _What isn't wrong with that?_"

"Evans . . . will you please just give me a chance?" James begged, sounding really hurt.

"No!" Lily shouted.

"Please?" he tried again, but just then a gaggle of prefects entered the compartment, and the matter had to be dropped.

**A/N: The ends of the chapters following this one request reviews and sometimes ask for specific feedback. I wanted that feedback while I was writing the story. Now that I am done, I have no plans to rework any part of this narrative in the future, and as such giving me criticism (however constructive it is meant to be) will not actually cause the story to improve in any way. You can say what you want, but I may or may not continue reading reviews of this story, and you should bear in mind that my requests for feedback are now obsolete. **


	2. First Patrol

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or his relatives or their world or anything anywhere near that epic.**

"Are you all right, Evans?" James asked. It was the first night of patrols and Lily looked agitated.

"No. What's it to you?" Lily shot back, her voice tense.

"First of all, I'm worried about you. You look bothered, and I want you to be okay. Secondly, if something's wrong, it might help for you to talk about it, and, since we'll be here for two hours anyway, I'm definitely willing to listen. I could try to help, but no guarantees that would work, even if you let me. Third, all right, I don't really want you to spend two hours screaming at me just because you're in a bad mood. Does that cover everything?" James responded.

"You just want me to make myself vulnerable to you so you can take advantage of me," Lily accused, though she actually wasn't sure she was right. James sounded nothing like the arrogant, bullying Quidditch star she was so accustomed to hating, and she couldn't be certain that his intentions were anything other than innocent. But old habits died hard, and she had little reason to try to stop herself from suspecting that James Potter's motives were self-serving and questionable, at best.

"I'd _never _do that, Evans," James replied emphatically. "I just want to do anything I can to make you feel better. But I can't make you talk if you don't want to."

"If you want to make me feel better, then shut up so I can try to forget you're here," Lily spat. Part of her doubted that rejecting his comfort was the right course of action, but ever since her friendship with Severus Snape had fallen apart, she'd erred on the side of being too harsh, keeping people at arm's length rather than risking friendships that might only lead to heartbreak.

"Whatever you say, Evans," James answered obligingly. Those were the last words he said on that patrol. Lily didn't want to acknowledge it, but she realized that James had actually just done what she asked of him without complaint. He hadn't bragged, insulted her, or asked her out at all so far this school year—which, Lily reminded herself, had only started yesterday. Still, had the unthinkable happened? Had James—Lily couldn't believe she was wondering this—actually matured over the summer? The quiet patrol gave her plenty of time to think.

**A/N: I know this chapter was super short, but I needed it to set up for the next one, which is a lot longer and with more action, I promise. It should be up in a couple of days. If you like it, you know what to do. Favorites and reviews are lovely! :)**


	3. An Okay Bloke

**Disclaimer: Still not mine. **

"Potter, pay attention!" Lily snapped. "That's the third time you've run into me in ten minutes!"

"Sorry, sorry—_really _didn't mean to do that, I swear," James apologized distractedly.

"Well, good! Don't let it happen again!"

"I'll try. Sorry. Just—thinking," James muttered.

"That's a _pathetic _excuse, Potter."

"I know. Sorry. Just—there's a lot on my plate right now, okay?"

Lily rolled her eyes even though it was too dark for James to see her. "_Sure_ there is. Rich, spoiled, good-grades-without-even-trying, girls-falling-at-his-feet Potter has a lot on his plate."

"_Evans . . ._" James ran his hands through his hand through his hair and sighed. "Look, I know you hate it when I talk on patrol, and I know you don't really care about me, and I don't want to dump all my problems on you or anything, but I need to talk to someone, and Remus says you're really good at giving advice. Can I—well, can I please talk to you?"

Lily considered the request. For the past two months, James had been nothing but kind to her (though she'd been nothing but harsh to him), and he hadn't even been that terrible to everyone else, either. His hexing had gone down dramatically, and the Marauders' pranks, though still frequent, no longer seemed as malicious as they once had. James no longer hexed people just for the fun of it (at least that Lily had heard), and Sirius rarely did, either. The pair still goofed off during class, but they were less disruptive and immature than they had been. Lily just couldn't hate James as she once had. In fact, after eight weeks of near-silent patrols (resulting from her request that first night), she was probably in his debt. "Very well, Potter," she allowed, though part of her protested heartily on principle.

"Thanks. Where to start . . ." There was a pause. "Did you notice that Sirius was missing from all of our classes today? Well, you know how we help Remus during the full moon, right? So, last night, during his transformation, Remus nearly killed Sirius. Quick reflexes on Sirius's part and some distraction techniques from Peter and me kept Padfoot alive, but he looks _awful_. Given how long it took us to get him to the hospital wing, he could be there for over a week—he lost that much blood. We nearly had to send him to St. Mungo's, and we still might have to if he gets much worse.

"Speaking of St. Mungo's, I got an owl this morning from my mum that my father's in the hospital after being hexed on the job—he's an Auror. They think he'll survive, but no one really knows, and . . . I really don't know what I'd do without my dad.

"Besides that, it's little stuff. I didn't finish my transfiguration essay because I was too busy saving Padfoot, and transfiguration's supposed to be my best subject. I probably failed today's potions exam. The Quidditch team's looking terrible this year—and with Padfoot gone it'll only get worse—and, since I'm Captain, the whole house will blame me and sort of hate me if we don't do decently, which is likely. Lisa dumped Peter, and dealing with that on top of everything _else_ is just so wearing. I mean, Sirius is unconscious, Remus is a wolf at the moment, Peter's a wreck, and my dad might be dying, and so naturally I'm left with no support having to hold everyone else up. If it weren't all of this at _once_, I could handle it, but, as it is . . ." He ran his hand through his hair again. "Sorry. They're not your problems. I shouldn't have dumped that all on you."

Lily's head was spinning, so unexpected had Potter's confession been. The concepts of James Potter and caring had been almost completely incompatible in her brain until now, but, after what Potter had just said, it was nearly impossible to deny that the boy cared passionately about the welfare of those close to him. Moreover, Lily had always let herself believe something she knew wasn't true—that just because Potter was effortlessly rich, popular, smart, and athletic, his life was perfect. With all this refuted so completely, she felt as if the whole world were tilting, but in the end three things seemed clear.

James Potter seriously needed some support, he was looking to Lily for it, and refusing would be heartless.

"Evans?" James asked hesitantly after a long stretch of silence. "I—I'm sorry if you—if I—if—"

Lily winced. James sounded so _scared_, like she was going to . . . start screaming at him for no reason like she always did. It was painful, almost, realizing how awful she'd been for so long. "Potter, please, don't apologize. I'm so sorry for yelling at you earlier. I absolutely see why you needed to talk to someone, and why you were spacing out earlier, and—everything. I'm sorry." She paused, surprised at how natural it felt to be this kind to Potter. "I suppose you want my advice?"

James was staring at Lily like she'd grown an extra head. "You don't need to-Merlin, Evans, are you all right? You're talking to me, James Potter, the arrogant bullying toe-rag, remember?"

"I had no idea," Lily whispered. "Potter, I—"

"Evans, do I need to take you to the hospital wing?"

"Oh, now I've gone and made you worried about me! Great! I am so self-centered that even an apology winds up being all about me!" She took a deep breath to calm herself. "To put it simply, I owe you, all right, Potter? I've been mean to you for no reason while you've had issues and it hasn't been fair. For the sake of evening things up, if for no other reason, I'm going to try to help you, all right? I don't like the current balance."

James winced and muttered something about Snape that Lily didn't try particularly hard to catch. "Well, if you're willing to help, or give me advice, or whatever, that would be great," he agreed more audibly. "No pressure, though."

Lily winced again. James was being so _careful_, like he was walking on broken glass. How could she have caused someone to think they needed to act like that around her? But she tried not to focus on the past. Instead, she said, "Okay. Here's what I make of it all. Regarding Black and your father, I'm sorry about them both, but there isn't much you or I can do. We just have to wait and trust the healers to do their jobs. Not that it's ever easy to cede responsibility to anyone, but you don't really have an option in either of those cases.

"Regarding Remus, you _do_ have options, and the choice probably won't be easy. You're missing Black, and you and Pettigrew might not be strong enough to restrain Remus on your own. If Remus nearly killed Black, that's just more proof that he can't be handled. However, I know you lot do Remus a world of good as Animagi, and he's probably more of a danger to himself now than ever. So either you'll go out tonight to help Remus or not. That's your choice. You're probably safer sta—"

"We're going," James interrupted fiercely. "Whatever else is true about the Marauders, we _never_ leave people hanging."

The word "hanging" made Lily suddenly flash back to a day now a year and a half in the past, when James had used the _Levicorpus _spell against Lily's then-friend, Severus Snape. It was true that the Marauders had not _left_ Snape hanging, as they had let him down eventually, but nevertheless, the memory had been triggered, and it was a painful one. One of Lily's reasons for having hated James for so long despite his obvious affection for her, besides her general dislike of his personality, was that she blamed James—however incorrectly—for the end of her friendship with Severus. Deep down, she had always known that it was really Snape's fault for the path he had chosen, but it had always been more convenient to be angry with James rather than dissect the many things that had gone wrong with her friendship with Snape, and, indeed, with Snape himself. Now, though, seeing James in something other than a negative light for once in her life, she had to admit to herself that James had not _really _caused the end to her friendship with Severus, and it was hard to face the truth.

"Evans?"

Lily realized that she had gotten lost in thought again. She tried to remember what they had been talking about. After several seconds, she remembered—James said he and Pettigrew would transform into Animagi again and go out with Lupin after rounds, even though Black had nearly been killed doing that exact thing the night before. "Be careful . . . James."

"You just called me James." It made sense that James was surprised—he and Lily had been on last-name terms from the day they had met, and Lily had never before showed any willingness to change this.

"Is that all right?" Lily asked. James sounded pleased enough, but she was having a bit of trouble seeing why he would be, since she had always been so terrible to him.

"Of _course_. Does this mean I can call you Lily?"

Part of Lily still didn't want to give in, even after everything she had realized tonight, but she forced herself to say, "All right."

"Thanks, Lily." Somehow the prospect of being on first-name terms with Lily Evans seemed to cheer James up considerably.

"You're welcome. Anyway, about the rest of your problems, well—bring your homework to the hospital wing when you visit Black in the coming days. I hate to say it, but, if you're really as screwed over as you say you are now, then just rush through your homework, write really big on essays, and cram for tests quickly. I'd rather you didn't cheat, but that's your business. It will be advisable for you to meet the minimum requirements on assignments, though, because if you don't it'll be reflected in your grades."

"Who are you and what have you done with Lily Evans?"

"Seriously, what do you think I've spent the past two years telling Remus?" Lily retorted. "Not that he ever listens—honestly, I don't know how he does it! He's such a good student, even though he had _every reason_ not to be-I can't believe he beat me on our last History of Magic test!" She saw the look on James's face and discontinued her academic rant. "Seriously, Po—James, I won't tell anyone if you skip our next patrol. You _have_ got a lot on your plate."

"You _really _don't sound like Lily," James commented before answering, "I wouldn't leave you to do this alone. Patrols are my job as much as yours, and Marauders don't leave people hanging."

"Are you sure you don't want to skip? I'd be fine alone, and you definitely don't need more to worry about," Lily offered.

"I'll make it work," James promised. "I like spending time with you."

"Po—James, all I ever do is scream at you. How can you enjoy that?" Lily demanded incredulously.

"Eh, I've deserved most of it. And it's not as bad as it used to be. But I especially mean tonight. It's felt good to talk to you about everything. I mean, it would feel good to talk to anyone about it, I guess, but especially you. Remus is right; you're good at advice."

Lily felt herself blushing slightly without really understanding why. Luckily, it was far too dark in the corridors for James to see her. "Thanks. Honestly, I like giving advice and helping people. I know it's not a side of me _you've_ seen often, but—well, around other people . . . it's there."

"Remus told me."

Lily was blushing harder now, so she gave a dismissive wave with her hand and returned to the previous topic. "There are just two things I haven't mentioned yet, and I don't know about Quidditch, so I'm just going to tell you to do your best, find someone to replace Sirius, and not listen too much when people aren't happy with you. About Pettigrew—well, given that Remus is a wolf right now and Black is half-dead, you're probably his only real source of comfort. I'd say you should do whatever you can, but, if you can't handle any more, what with everything else that's going on, then just don't try, all right? _You're_ your own top priority; Pettigrew isn't."

"Marauders don't leave people hanging." James was starting to sound like a broken record.

"Po—James, you're trying to bear all three of the other Marauders' burdens on top of your own. It's no wonder your grades are slipping! It's great that you have such high ideals, but it's not a crime to take care of yourself once in a while."

"You do know you're talking to _me_, right, Lily?" James asked. "The arrogant, bullying toe-rag?"

"Yeah, I was thinking about that," Lily replied carefully. "But you haven't really been that bad this year—it kills me to say that; all of this does—so, when you asked me for a chance earlier, I couldn't say no, and then I realized how much stress you're under and that you can be a decent guy sometimes, like when you're helping your friends and stuff. And . . ." Lily's brain was screaming not to trust James yet, but she'd spent her entire life with her heart on her sleeve, admitting to everything from reading Petunia's mail to thinking Severus's friends were creepy. She was _terrible_ at hiding her thoughts. "Well—don't repeat this, _please_, James—but . . . I realized I've actually been a complete jerk to you for quite a while."

"Are you actually Lily?" James asked, and he seemed serious. "You're not someone else who's taken Polyjuice Potion or something?"

"The first time I met you, you sneered at me for thinking that Slytherins 'strive for success,' " Lily replied. "The first time you asked me out was when we were waiting outside Greenhouse Four, right before our very first Hogsmeade weekend ever, in third year. You sent a letter to my dormitory after I turned you down—I still don't know how you snuck that in there, but it was sitting under my pillow, and I don't think anyone else saw it. I hexed it into oblivion as soon as I saw your signature on it."

"Ouch, Lily, you did?" James looked hurt. "On the other hand, you're definitely Lily. So . . . you actually think I'm an okay bloke, and you're going to stop screaming at me now?"

"I think you're an okay bloke, yes, but I reserve the right to scream at you any time I want. You and Black are still idiots sometimes, even if I don't hate you."

"I can live with that." He paused. "All right, please don't kill me-and I really don't mean to be manipulative by asking you this _now_, right after I told you all my problems—but—well—Lily, will you go out with me?"

Lily sighed and thought for a few seconds. It was too dark to really see James, but she was very familiar with his strong build, his lovely hazel eyes, and his endearingly messy black hair. Privately, she'd actually considered him physically attractive for quite a while; her personal hatred of him had just overcome her physical attraction. Nevertheless, she shook her head. "Not yet. I've only thought you were a decent guy for about half an hour now. It's a little early. Try again in a few weeks—I need some times for my feeling to settle."

James nodded. "All right. But sometime in the future, I'll have a chance?"

"No promises, but I think you might," Lily replied.

"YES!" James shouted, far too loudly for a nighttime corridor patrol. He stopped walking and did a short, rather funny-looking happy dance—or it would have looked funny if Lily had seen it, but, luckily for James, she didn't.

Lily laughed. "I take it you're excited?"

James nodded, and then he looked very serious. "You have _no idea_ how hard it is not to kiss you right now."

"Don't. Sorry—just, that's definitely not what I need right now, all right?"

He sighed. "I know I can't right now. Believe me. I'm just saying."

"Are you going to be all right?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine," James replied, but he didn't sound completely convinced. "Can I talk to you again tomorrow night?"

"If you come to patrol, I'll owe you, so yes," Lily agreed.

"You'll never owe me, Lily; I'm serious. Just getting to look at you makes up for anything you could do. But . . . thanks."

"Of course, James."

**A/N: What did you think? Review! **


	4. Decisions, Made and Unmade

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

"James asked me out."

"Isn't that normal? And since when is he 'James'?"

"It was the first time this year. And he's 'James' since tonight."

"So he waited until now to ask because he thought maybe waiting would give him a better chance?"

"I guess."

"Was he pretty sad when you rejected him?"

"I didn't reject him."

Mary McDonald fell off of her bed. She and Lily had been laying sideways on it, talking as they often did in the evenings, but now she was so shocked that she fell right off the side.

"Mary, are you okay?" Lily asked, concerned.

"Fine. You were kidding, right, Lily?" her best friend replied, getting up and brushing herself off.

"No."

Mary sat back on the edge of the bed. "You said _yes_?"

"I told him to try again in a few weeks."

"Who are you and what have you done with Lily Evans?"

"That's what James said, too, but I'm still me."

"Okay, now I'm really curious. What happened? Give me the whole story."

"It started out as a normal patrol. We weren't talking or anything, 'cause on the first patrol I told him not to talk to me so I could try to forget he was there, and he actually took me seriously. But he kept running into me, and I got pretty mad at him and told him to pay attention to where he was walking. And he said he had a lot on his mind, and I was like, 'Yeah, sure. You're just an idiot.' But he said it wasn't like that, and then he told me about all the stuff that's going on in his life. Black's in the hospital wing after—some stupid prank that went wrong" (Mary didn't know that Remus was a werewolf; Lily had figured it out herself during fifth year, when she was a prefect with Remus, and she had been sworn to secrecy) "and James's dad is in St. Mungo's 'cause he got hexed on the job, and he might not live, and Remus is away visiting his mother, and Peter just got dumped by Lisa, and the Quidditch team is failing, and . . . yeah. So then I felt pretty bad for him and tried to give him advice, and then he asked me why I was doing this for him, and I said I felt pretty bad for having yelled at him so much, and we talked a little bit and then he asked me out."

"And you said to get back to you."

"Yeah."

"You do remember _why_ you've always been screaming at him, right, Lily?"

"Not really, no."

"Do you remember a boy named Severus Snape?" Mary asked carefully. She knew Lily hated to be reminded, but it was kind of alarming watching Lily fall head-over-heels for someone she'd hated for so long, and Mary wanted to make sure Lily had kept her head. Mary was the only one who could bring up Snape around Lily without being hexed. Mary had been Lily's closest girlfriend since their first year, and she'd seen Lily cry because of Snape plenty of times, though she could also remember way back during their first few years at Hogwarts, when Lily would be gone from the common room for hours at a time and come back grinning and babbling about potions and Severus. She'd been there when Lily had sobbed her eyes out after Snape had called her a Mudblood that fateful day in fifth year, and she knew that Lily had regretted the fallout even though she'd been determined to end the friendship after that. Mary had also spent the past four years listening to Lily's rants about how much she hated James Potter, and she felt obligated to ensure that her best friend didn't do anything rash regarding the attractive head boy. She'd seen Lily go through plenty of heartbreak over their six years and two months of Hogwarts, and she was going to do what she could to prevent even more from happening.

"Sev's and my fallout wasn't James's fault. Sev chose his path; I chose mine. He's a Death Eater now. It never would've worked for us to still be friends. The Lord he's sworn allegiance to is out to annihilate people me and people like my parents. Sev chose that side. He and I wouldn't have lasted anyway."

Mary was thoughtful for a minute. "I'm glad you've come to terms with that," she said finally. "But do you remember all the pranking James has done in the past seven years?"

Lily sighed. "I do. But there's barely been any this year, and—the boy I've been patrolling with these past few months is very mature and kind, and I'm willing to forgive and forget what he's been like in the past. Heaven knows I have plenty of practice doing _that._" She thought of Snape.

"So you're sure you want to go out with James?" Mary asked.

"No, I'm not," Lily answered. "I need a few weeks for my feelings to settle."

"What feelings?"

"Well, you know how I get when people need advice. I'm super protective of them and want to make them happy, sort of no matter what. So there's that element at the moment. Then there's the fact that, well, in a lot of ways, James looks like a pretty good boyfriend candidate. He's hot, smart, good at Quidditch, gets decent grades, he's head boy and Quidditch captain, he's funny, Merlin knows he's faithful to me . . . And then on the other hand, part of me still hates him just because that's how it's always been, and for all the immature stuff he's done in the past that I can't be sure he wouldn't do anymore."

"It sounds like you want him and you're trying to talk that resisting bit of yourself into liking him too," Mary assessed.

Lily sighed. "Probably." She picked up one of Mary's pillows and threw it at her own bed. "I want him and I hate him and I want to take away his pain, all at the same time. Does that make any sense?"

Mary chuckled mirthlessly. "Lily, I think that's your normal feelings toward boys, in a nutshell. You went through the same sort of thing with Snape. You just wanted him as a friend and you didn't quite hate him, but you definitely wanted to take away his pain. I think this is pretty classic Lily-dealing-with-boy, all around."

Lily rolled her eyes. "_Thanks,_ Mary."

"You're welcome!"

"Seriously, though, what should I do?"

"That depends. You said he seems like a good boyfriend candidate. Are you attracted to him or is that just an observation?"

Lily hesitated before admitting, "I'm attracted to him, I think. But I still hate him a little bit, so . . ."

"_Why _are you attracted to him? Is this physical? Is it about personalities? Is it because of how he acts to you? How he acts in general? What's at the heart of your attraction?"

"There's a physical part. But part of it is that . . . he's not selfish, and he makes people laugh, and he really cares about the people close to him, and at the same time he's not serious about stuff all the time, but he _can _be serious . . . Oh, Merlin, but he's such a bad idea!"

"What makes you say _that_?"

"He's such an idiot! He goes around hexing—except he doesn't, he hasn't this year—why did he have to go and _change_, I can't deal with _change_, I want him to stay the same so I can hate him instead of being so _confused_!"

"Er—what was that?" Mary asked, bemused.

"I honestly have no idea," Lily admitted, looking quite bemused herself.

"Obviously you have some pretty strong feelings about this situation."

"You _think._"

"So do you want to go out with him?"

"I don't know!"

"How about you think about it, then. Watch him over the next few weeks and see if you'd like to date someone like him."

Lily got off of Mary's bed and flung herself dramatically onto her own. "I don't know what to _do_."

"We've established that."

Lily was tempted to quip a waspish reply—she always got irritable when she was confused—but she couldn't quite do that to Mary. "So, do you have anything on _your_ mind?" she forced herself to ask instead.

"Yes, I do, actually, if you're done with all your ranting."

Lily winced, feeling bad about being so self-centered. "Yeah, I'm done. What is it?"

"I think I'd like to go out with Remus."

Lily sat up. "But that's great! He's been saying the same about you since fifth year!"

"And you didn't _tell_ me?" Mary demanded.

"What's said on patrol stays in patrol," Lily recited. "At least, it did when Remus and I were patrolling. James and I don't have that rule, and I'm pretty sure we both would have broken it tonight if we did." Lily thought about all the things that had been said on her and Remus's patrols. She'd found out about Remus being a werewolf and the other Marauders being Animagi, along with the usual gossip about various people in their year. Mary had no idea how much information she'd missed out on when she hadn't been made prefect.

"Fine. I guess that makes sense," Mary allowed. "So you think we could get together soon?"

"Well, he's gone right now, but I'm sure becoming your boyfriend would cheer him up a lot when he gets back," Lily responded.

Mary grinned widely. "Do you know when he's getting back, then, Keeper of Secrets?"

Lily did a quick calculation in her head. "Wednesday."

Mary's grin widened. "I can't wait."

The two girls went to bed, Mary reveling in a decision made and Lily agonizing over one yet to be made. When Lily fell asleep, she dreamed about the day when Snape had called her a Mudblood. Suddenly, it was James hanging by his ankle instead of Sev, and he was yelling for Lily's help keeping Remus at bay. Someone performed _Liberacorpus_, and then James was lying in a heap on the ground, unmoving. The dream-Lily rushed forward and shook James hard, but his eyes didn't open. Lily awoke with one tear tracing a track toward her pillow, and she found it hard to fall back asleep.

**A/N: What did you think? Overwrought? Too fluffy? Too confused? Too much Snape? Too much attraction? Just right? Please review!**


	5. Complicating Factors

**Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. **

The next night's patrol was an interesting one for Lily. It began with her asking James, "How are you?" for what was perhaps the first time in her life.

James sighed and ran his hand through his hair. "All right. Haven't slept in a while—well, except today during History of Magic—and don't go off at me for that, I can't help it, I've been up with Remus four nights running, plus patrols, plus homework, and a bloke's gotta sleep sometime! But other than that, I'm fine. I don't think I've failed anything in the past 24 hours, which is a plus."

"How's Black?"

"Still in a coma, but that's nothing new. He's been out for over a week from Quidditch injuries before. Madam Pomfrey says that his blood levels aren't life-threateningly low anymore, so I think he'll be fine." James sighed. "Still looks awful, though. I blame Moony's stupid growth spurt. It was so much easier to keep a handle on him before he shot up four inches over the summer! And he's gotten muscles, too. I mean, his wolf form always had some, but now that he has some in real life, he's a lot more dangerous while transformed."

"Was it really _four inches_?" Lily asked. She had stopped growing very early, even for a girl, having remained the same height—five-foot-three, short enough to force her to endure constant, friendly teasing from most of her friends—since the beginning of third year. Other people having growth spurts made her jealous, but she was happy for Remus, who had been rather small and sickly-looking for most of his Hogwarts career.

"Yep." James rolled up the sleeves of his robes to display fresh cuts and scratches across old scars. "I'd be happy for him—I know girls don't go for wimps like he was last year—but it sure makes the rest of the Marauders' job a lot harder."

Lily winced sympathetically. "Ouch." She realized that she was having an effortless conversation with James Potter, and it felt normal. What did it mean? "Hey, speaking of Remus and girls, he definitely still fancies Mary, right?"

"Yeah . . ." James replied, seeming to wonder where she was going with this.

"Can you tell him to ask her out when . . . you know . . . his time of the month is over?"

"Why?" James asked, being incredibly thick as guys often are. "You know he's scared to death of rejection. It'll break his heart if we tell him to ask her and then she says no."

"James, I'm perfectly aware of how scared he is of rejection." Lily tried not to be too impatient.

"So you're willing to risk that for—wait, does Mary fancy Moony?" Realization dawned on James's face.

"Oh, bravo, you figured it out!" Lily cheered sarcastically.

"Hey, I'm asleep on my feet here; this isn't exactly the best time for me to try to think," James retorted, a defensive edge in his voice all of a sudden.

Lily winced, remembering James's situation, and she felt guilty. "Right. Sorry. Are you _sure _you want to be here?" _Am I sure _I_ want to be here? _she wondered to herself, reminding herself to keep an eye on James.

James sighed, stopped, and laid his hands cautiously on Lily's shoulders, using his grip to turn her and make her face him. Then he released her, seeming anxious not to be perceived as touching her too much. "Lily, I need you to get this through your head. I am in love with you. I always will be. If there is a chance for me to see you, talk to you, spend time with you, help you with something, even just _look_ at you, I will take it, unless I am desperately needed elsewhere. I want to be with you as much as I possibly can—though I will go away if that's what you want. But unless you expressly tell me to leave, I am going to come along on this patrol, every night that it happens for as long as it keeps happening. Don't keep acting like that's not a given. I love you, and I promise that you can count on that, and on me."

Lily tried to fathom that a boy she had been so terrible to for so long could be in love with her. It didn't work, but rather just confused her hopelessly, so then she gave up and instead tried _not_ to think about it. "Very well, James," she said stiffly, not sure how else to react. She turned and continued with the patrol, James keeping pace easily beside her. Then it occurred to her what she should have said, and she said it, though it was really past time for her response: "Thank you."

"Of course."

There was a rather awkward silence, which Lily broke by asking, "So, any news on your dad yet?"

"No, I haven't heard anything," James sighed. "Still, no news is good news, right? I'd know if he were dead." He sounded younger than usual as he said this, and also slightly lost. Lily had the sudden urge to give him a hug—when her friends were having problems, hugging them was often the first thing she did, though hugging James Potter was a different matter entirely because there was a good chance he might not take it that way. Lily didn't fight the impulse; the boy obviously could do with a bit of comfort, and a hug from _Lily Evans_ would probably do a considerable amount to brighten his day. Besides, part of Lily wanted to get her hands on James Potter much more than the rest of her would have liked to admit. The head girl stopped abruptly and threw her arms around the much taller and larger head boy.

James was shocked for a moment, and he just stood there stiffly while Lily hugged him. Then, after a second, when Lily was about to release him, he returned the embrace, drawing the girl close against him. The way he smelled was indefinable but amazing, and he was so strong and so much bigger than Lily that she felt completely safe in his arms. For a few seconds, Lily got lost in how good it felt to be held by James Potter.

Then James's arms, which had been around Lily's back, shifted. One hand ran along her side and then across her waist. The other moved upward, into Lily's hair, and then back down along the length of her spine. Both were so warm, so strong, and they would have felt so right . . .

. . . except that Lily hadn't been expecting it and really didn't want to go quite that far with James, yet.

Lily moved her hands from around James's back, where they had been, to his chest, and she used them to shove him away from her, hard, just as he was landing a kiss on the back of her neck. Receiving the shove, James looked briefly confused, and then shocked, and then a combination of angry and regretful. He turned and punched the nearest wall. "Damn it, Lily, I'm really, really, really sorry about that. I never should have done that to you without your permission. I guess I've wanted it for so long—and it's not like I can think straight on four nights of almost no sleep—damn it, James, stop making excuses! Sorry, Lily, I screwed up and I'm not acting like myself, and there I go again with the excuses; I really need to stop that—I'm sorry and I should just leave it at that." His hand was bleeding from punching the wall.

Lily didn't know what to think. Images kept flashing through her mind. James hexing Snape all those times in the first several years of Hogwarts. Lily rejecting James ten million times during the same time period. Sev calling her a Mudblood. James becoming an illegal Animagus for Remus. The look on James's face last night when he'd been pouring his heart out to Lily. The look on his face just now, after he'd punched the wall.

She wanted him and hated him and wanted to take away his pain, all at once. Watching him gaze hopelessly at her, looking so sorry and angry with himself, while his hand dripped blood onto the floor, though, her urge to take away his pain was definitely greatest among her impulses. "James, it's okay," she told him earnestly.

"No, it's not, Lily, and don't tell me that just because you feel bad for me or whatever. I had no right to do what I did. It's not just 'all right.' Mistakes like that don't just go away all of a sudden."

Lily responded the way she often did when faced with anger from her friends: she became businesslike. When most people were angry around her, she got angry right back, but for a select few she instead became very responsible and efficient. "I'll give you two choices right now about what to do about your hand. Professor Slughorn and Madam Pomfrey both have easy access to Essence of Dittany. Which of them are you less embarrassed to face for with a self-inflicted injury?"

"I'm not having this _treated. _It's my punishment for taking too much license with you."

"If I remember correctly, you and Pettigrew are going to the Shrieking Shack in an hour to try to restrain Remus—without the help of Black. Being already injured won't do you any good. Now, I'm dragging you to the hospital wing this minute if you don't want to wake Slughorn."

"Lily, in life you have to pay for your mistakes. This is my retribution for losing my head around you."

"I don't want you to have any bloody retribution!" Lily shouted, losing her patience. "I didn't want you to kiss me on the neck or any of it but dwelling on it won't do either of us any good! You're coming with me to the hospital wing right _now_ and I swear to Merlin I will imperious you if you don't come on your own!"

"Merlin, Lily. I think you're scarier when you're trying to protect me than you were back when you were trying to kill me," James commented, but he followed obediently after her all the way to the hospital wing. There, Lily took the job of waking Madam Pomfey.

"Whaddayawan?" the nurse muttered groggily.

"Er—Madam Pomfrey, James here needs some Essence of Dittany. His hand is bleeding," Lily said.

Madam Pomfrey rubbed her eyes, rolled out of the bed that she kept in her office so that students could find her at night if they were sick, and walked sleepily to her store cabinets. "Essence of Dittany, Essence of Dittany . . ." she muttered to herself. "Oh! There it is!" She poured some of the liquid into a bowl.

James stuck his hand sullenly in the bowl. Madam Pomfrey handed him some bandages; then she saw his scowl and said, "On second thought, you'd better hold these for him," and handed them to Lily instead. "After his hand has soaked for half an hour, make him put these on. They should stop the bleeding and keep everything from getting infected."

The head boy and girl resumed their patrol in a tense silence, neither person really in the mood to talk. This was just as well for Lily, as she had a _lot_ to think about.

She couldn't stop reliving her and James's hug. It had felt way too good, and even everything that had happened afterward couldn't ruin how wonderfully safe and comfortable she had been in James's arms.

But he'd kissed her! _That_ actually hadn't felt good—its unexpectedness had shocked her out of feeling anything when it happened. And he had no right! How could she possibly have feelings for someone who would just do something like that when he and the girl in question weren't even together?

But that _hug_ . . .

**A/N: I really didn't mean this chapter to happen, but writing does strange things to the subconscious. What did you think? Reviews are lovely!**


	6. Confusion and Indecisiveness

**Disclaimer: Yeah, I wish. **

"James _kissed_ you?" Mary shrieked. "How was it?"

"Kind of awful, actually. I really wasn't expecting it," Lily answered wearily. She was beginning to think that patrols ended too late in the evening to be followed by a gossip session.

"You didn't feel like your skin was burning where his lips had been, or like you were glued to the spot, or anything?" Mary asked eagerly. She had had one boyfriend before, back in fifth year, and, as Lily had never had even one, Mary talked to Lily as if she were the world's greatest expert on relationships.

"Nope." Lily sighed. "The hug was amazing, until he went and wrecked it. But the kiss was plain awful."

"That's really confusing. That you liked the hug but not the kiss."

"Well, I was _prepared _for the hug."

"Oh, right, I forgot—seventh year's top student can't handle anything she wasn't _prepared _for." Lily was the sort to study for hours before every test she took; pop quizzes drove her out of her mind. She was a very intellectual person, so things that affected people mentally had amplified effects in her. Shocks, especially, hit her _hard. _

"Yeah, well, it surprised me!" Lily protested.

"Fine, fine, fine. Anyway, how did you react? Did you tell him never to talk to you again or something?" Mary seemed eager for some drama.

"No," Lily admitted. "See, I shoved him away just as he was kissing me. He realized what he'd done and, before I could say anything, he just turned around and punched the wall _really, really _hard; his hand started bleeding a bunch and everything. And he tried to apologize and got super mad at himself, so it wasn't like I could tell him off. So I took him to Madam Pomfrey and we got his hand fixed up and then we didn't talk much for the rest of the patrol. I think we both had a lot on our minds."

"Lily, you've got to start standing up for yourself before guys walk all over you," Mary advised. Lily had cried over Snape _so many times _before ending their friendship. Now she wasn't saying anything when her former worst enemy kissed her without permission? It just didn't make sense, and someday this forgiving attitude of Lily's was going to cause her problems much worse than just a little confusion and heartbreak.

Lily sighed. "I couldn't just let him bleed. And if I hadn't told him it was okay, maybe he would have hurt himself again, or something. I can't put him through that."

"So you're letting him get away with kissing you."

"I . . . look, I have no idea how I feel about him right now, okay? You know I can't handle surprises. The fact that I didn't like the kiss doesn't mean I don't want him. It just means he surprised me." Lily shifted sitting positions on her bed. "If I knew it was coming, I might like another kiss."

"Are you sure?"

"Heck no."

There was a very long silence, which Lily broke by saying, "James agreed to set you up with Remus."

"You told him?" Mary sounded dismayed.

"Not directly, and he'd know in about two days anyway," Lily replied. "He's one of Remus's best mates. When you and Remus get together, James will be one of the first to know. Besides, he's sure that Remus is still crazy for you. It'll all work out."

"If you say so," Mary responded, but she had a small smile on her lips.

After a minute's pause, a question occurred to Lily. "Mary, who's the best person you know at giving hugs?"

"My father, actually," Mary answered, sounding a little embarrassed. "All the guys around here either won't give hugs, or they're so thin that they just feel flimsy, or they make me nervous because they're complete playboys and I don't feel comfortable being that close to them. Even Remus is a little too skinny. Why do you ask?"

"Oh, it's just on my mind. I mean, before tonight I probably would have said my dad too, but . . . James is _perfect_ . . . for hugs, at least."

"Didn't you hate it, though?" Mary was understandably confused.

"I hated the kiss. And the . . . touching. But the hug before that . . ."

"Lily, you're really, really confusing, you know that?"

"Yeah, I know."

**A/N: Mostly filler, I know, but I couldn't resist another Lily/Mary girl-talk scene. Mary and Remus will get together in the next chapter, I promise. I know it should have happened already. **

**As always, I'd love to know what you thought! Please review!**


	7. Werewolf

**Disclaimer: I **_**wish **_**I owned something this awesome. But I don't. **

**A/N: Sorry for the wait! Long story short, blame school. **

"Remus is getting back today!" Mary squealed on Wednesday morning, at an hour far too early for such incredibly tones. "Oh my gosh, Lily, do I look okay? Will you do my hair? Pleeeeeeaaase? Just this once? Please please please?"

Lily didn't even want to be awake at this time in the morning, but she couldn't deny Mary her request. After all, today would be—if everything went according to plan—the day that Mary and Remus got together. To herself, Lily smiled grimly at the contrast that Mary and Remus would present if seen together. Mary, primped and dressed up, would look so different from Remus, who always looked ill, exhausted, and roughed up when he came back from the Shrieking Shack after a transformation. Lily felt a stab of pity in her heart even thinking about Remus in such a state. Kind, brilliant, modest Remus didn't deserve to be a werewolf. No, he deserved a girlfriend.

Mary turned to Lily, who had just finished getting out of bed _very, very _slowly. "Please?"

Lily nodded. Still in her pajamas, she picked up Mary's hairbrush and her own wand. After half an hour of painstaking use of both implements, Mary's usually thin, mousy hair was thicker, lustrous, wavy, and shining. It was the finishing touch on a very pretty complexion—Lily had always been jealous of Mary's dancing blue eyes, graceful nose, and red lips, though Mary had always bemoaned her lank hair. Now, though, there was nothing to detract from the girl's beauty. She looked radiant.

"Thanks, Lily," Mary sighed happily when the hairdressing was done.

"You're welcome," Lily replied. It wasn't often that Mary asked anything of her; she was glad to give whatever was requested. "I'll leave you to your makeup now, all right?"

"Sure." Mary's voice was a mix of gratitude and nerves.

Lily changed into her uniform and gathered the schoolbooks she would need for the day. She didn't make a habit of wearing makeup—too much work, and she didn't much like the idea of looking superficial—but she had been especially careful to avoid it since that patrol when James had kissed her. She still didn't know if she wanted James or not, but, if she did, then she wanted him to like her back for who she was, not what she could make herself look like if she really tried. And if she didn't want him, she didn't want to attract him any more than she already did.

Awhile later, Lily and Mary were ready for the day—or as ready as they would be, for both were rather nervous to see their respective male interests—and they made their way together down to breakfast.

At the end of the Gryffindor table where the Marauders usually sat, James and Remus were huddled together, seemingly having a furious whispered argument. As predicted, Remus looked pale, tired, sick, and like he had been attacked by a very angry giant rosebush, if not something much worse. Luckily, only his hands, neck, and face were visible, as the rest of him was under his uniform, so he would probably be able to get away with saying that the scratches really _had _been made by a rosebush, or a badly behaved housecat, or something of the sort.

Lily and Mary approached the two arguing Marauders slowly. Lily was full of trepidation—she knew that Remus's friends usually took uncommon care to be kind to him during his first few days back from a transformation, so an argument so soon after Remus's return was definitely a bad sign. Mary seemed oblivious to everything that Lily was reading into the situation; the speed of her gait was probably determined mostly by her nerves related to approaching the boy she fancied.

When the two girls finally reached the table and began to sit down across from the two boys, James looked up and said immediately, without hesitating or seeming to think at all before he spoke, "Mary, Moony here wants to be your boyfriend."

"Damn you, Prongs!" the werewolf snapped immediately. "After everything I said, you just went ahead and said that? You idiot! How cruel are you? You know we can't—I can't—it won't—" He seemed to be floundering for a way to express his objection without letting anything slip.

Mary looked horrified and embarrassed. "Well if you don't want—I mean, if you don't . . . like me . . ." She started to stand up.

Remus slammed his fist down on the table so hard that people in the surrounding area turned to look. "Great," he muttered in the general direction of his plate. Attracting attention was, of course, the _last_ thing he had intended on doing. Then he tilted his head up and said to Mary, "Mary, please. It's not like that. I do like you. I'm in love with you. Please, sit down."

Now Mary just looked confused. She sat and looked at Remus, then at James, back to Remus, then at Lily, and finally settled on gazing at Remus in befuddlement. "If you love me, then why—?"

"Mary, I'm in love with you, and that's why I think we shouldn't be together. I wouldn't be good for you. You—"

Mary didn't let him finish. "Remus John Lupin, how could you not be good for me? You're gentle, brilliant, hardworking, loyal—"

Remus looked anguished. "Please, Mary, _please _stop. There's something you _have _to know before you make any decisions about me. Lean in and I'll tell you, but please try not to react if you can help it." Mary looked even more confused than before, but she leaned across the table toward Remus. "Please don't scream, but I'm a werewolf," the boy breathed, so quietly that Lily only just barely heard it from her spot right next to Mary.

Mary sat back in a more normal position, her face a mask of suppressed shock. "You're a werewolf. You're a werewolf. I've fallen for a werewolf," she whispered to herself. She closed her eyes for several seconds, still muttering.

Lily glanced at Remus. The poor boy was watching Mary anxiously, looking anguished and very, very nervous at the same time.

Mary opened her eyes. "So you're a werewolf," she whispered to Remus. "So . . . when you leave, it's always once a month for about the same amount of time, right? You . . . go somewhere, or something, and transform?"

"What?" Remus asked blankly. "You're not running away from me screaming? Or at least rethinking whether you want to be my girlfriend? Or furious with me for not telling you earlier?" He sounded thoroughly disbelieving.

"No," Mary replied. "I still want you." She looked at her lap. "Do you still want me?"

"Are you _kidding_?" Remus demanded. "I love you! _Especially_ after all this. Mary, you're _perfect_. But I won't be any good for you. I can't always be there for you. I'll be a wolf several days a month! And when I'm not, I still won't always be strong enough to do everything a boyfriend should do. You'd be so much better off with someone else."

"I don't _want _anyone else, Remus."

"Are you sure?"

"Very."

"Merlin, Mary, you have no idea how perfect you are."

Mary wasn't used to such compliments, and by now she was squirming a bit. So, naturally, she changed the topic. "So you . . . go somewhere to transform?"

"Shh, we have to talk about this _really quietly. _The Shrieking Shack."

"But that's the most haunted building in Britain." Mary was now whispering.

"No it's not. People think they're hearing ghosts, but they're really just hearing me."

"But it's supposed to sound like moaning and screaming and howling in there."

"Yeah, that's me."

Mary winced. "_Ouch_."

Remus shrugged. "Whatever. It is what it is."

"Does it hurt?"

"Mary, look at me."

Mary took in the full extent of the scrapes, gashes, bruises, and teeth marks that covered Remus's hands, face, and neck. "Oh my Merlin."

The boy shrugged again. "I'm used to it."

"But you could die up there in the shack and no one would even know until days later!" Mary protested.

"That's where we come in," James broke in.

"What?" Mary asked, plunging back into the confusion she'd just escaped.

"Lean in again," James ordered. Mary did. "Sirius, Peter, and I have become unregistered Animagi. We go to the Shack on the nights when Remus transforms. He's less . . . wolfish when there are other human minds around him. And we'd never let things go far enough for him to die."

Mary sat back again. "This just gets harder and harder to take in." She sighed, was silent for several seconds, and then seemed to realize something. "But how do you sneak out?"

"Marauder secret. Sorry, but I'm not telling you everything," James replied immediately.

"Fair enough." She paused. "So, if he scratches you or something, you'll turn into werewolves too? You must be really careful."

"No, it's not like that," James said. "While we're Animagi, we can't be turned into werewolves, even if we're bitten or scratched. So we're not in that much danger."

"'Not in that much danger'?" Remus exploded in James's direction. Remus seemed to have a talent for exploding very quietly without losing intensity. "I nearly _killed_ Sirius on Friday!"

"You _what_?" Mary reacted before she really had time to think about what she was saying.

"You know how I told you he was in the hospital wing for a prank gone wrong?" Lily asked, entering the conversation for the first time in a long time. "Well, he's actually there for blood loss."

Mary rounded on Lily. "Wait. How long have _you_ known about all this?"

"Well, Remus and I were prefects together . . . and Sev— Snape had his suspicions even back in third year, so it sort of just fell together for me," Lily tried to explain.

Mary seemed to be out of things to say.

"Mary, I'm dangerous," Remus said. "I couldn't be good for you. I'm not good for the Marauders and I won't be good for you. You'll be better off with someone else."

"Remus, I love you," Mary said. Lily was a little surprised by this statement. _Love _wasn't a term that had ever come up when she and Mary had talked about guys. But Mary wasn't hasty about things, and she meant what she said and did.

"Merlin," Remus groaned, slumping forward and putting his head in his hands. "You're sure?"

"Yes."

"You know how dangerous I am and how bad I'll be for you, right?"

"Dangerous, yes, at least at times. Bad for me—you won't be."

"You're fully aware of what you're doing?"

"Yes."

"You're completely willing to take this risk, and I'm not imposing myself on you in any way whatsoever?"

"Correct. I love you."

"In that case, brilliant," Remus said, finally taking his head out of his hands and grinning at Mary. "I love you too. Will you go to Hogsmeade with me?"

"Of course."

Lily wished _she_ could be that certain about something. But the tangle of her feelings for James was just as enigmatic as ever.

**A/N: I finally wrote it! What did you think? Did James and Remus give away too much information, too quickly? Is Mary too accepting? Just right? Please review!**


	8. Happiness

**Disclaimer: Yeah, I wish. Not mine. **

"Hello, Evans," purred Miranda Vane, an obnoxiously nosy Ravenclaw sixth-year widely known to carry all of Hogwarts's gossip. Lily made it a point to stay out of Miranda's way, but in the busy corridor it was not hard for Miranda to sidle up alongside someone without them noticing. "So, what's up with you and Potter?"

"Nothing. We're just friends." What Lily didn't add was how quickly that could change. It had been two and a half weeks since the patrol when she and James had started spilled his heart to her and the two of them had finally started getting along, and she expected him to ask her out again any day now. She was planning to agree; she'd been watching him closely, and he had been acting very mature, very caring, very . . . dateable, and then there was the tiny little fact that he was _incredibly hot_ and Lily wanted him a lot more than she would care to admit—but Miranda did _not_ need to know _any _of that.

Miranda laughed. "Sure, sure, 'just friends.' You spend an awful lot of time together . . . in deserted corridors . . . after curfew . . . at night . . . with no one watching . . . no one to hear if you—"

Lily lost her patience. Miranda's tone was incredibly suggestive, and the head girl did not want to hear it. She especially didn't want to be reminded of that night when James had kissed her—or of how much farther that potentially could have gone, because Miranda was right; there was no one around to hear them. "Shut up before I take some points from Ravenclaw," Lily threatened.

Miranda laughed again, seemingly without a care in the world, but just then James walked around the corner and saw Lily glaring at Miranda. "Whatever you said, Miranda, I'd take it back. You don't want to be on the receiving end of Lily's anger. Believe me, I speak from experience." Part of Lily winced at this, but another part reminded her that James had deserved a lot of the anger she'd directed at him over the years.

"All I did was ask Evans here what was up between the two of you," Miranda protested, widening her eyes and trying to appear innocent. Or perhaps she was trying to seem more attractive—her penchant for James was well-known, and suddenly Lily realized that she minded anyone else trying to flirt with him. _Wait, I'm jealous? _Lily thought, a bit surprised. _I really have fallen hard and fast._ "After all, you spend so much time together in deserted corridors after curfew; it seems natural that you would be more than 'just friends,' like Evans here called you."

"Really, Lily? You're this worked up over something like that?" James shook his head in what seemed to be bemusement. "Come on; let's just go to dinner and forget about it."

Lily shot Miranda one more glare before putting away her wand and following James in the direction of the Great Hall.

When they were out of Miranda's earshot, James said, "So we're officially friends now?"

Lily looked at him. Boys could be really clueless sometimes. "You didn't know that? I wouldn't have spent the past couple of weeks trying to hold your life together if we were enemies."

"Well, I was just wondering—I mean, you never officially _said_ we were friends or anything, and I can't help recalling all those times when you told me you'd rather go out with the giant squid than talk to me, so it's kind of hard for me to believe that, you know, now we're friends."

Lily smiled. "A little maturity can go a long way."

"Hey, speaking of such, will you go out with me?" James asked, unabashedly eager.

Lily blushed as she felt herself grinning uncontrollably. "Sure."

"Really?" James demanded incredulously. "You'll really go out with me? You actually just said yes?"

"Well, technically, I said 'sure,' not 'yes,' but that's the general idea, yeah," Lily answered.

"I can't believe it! You're going to go out with me! You finally agreed! This is the best day of my life!" James threw his arms around the girl and gave her a very long hug—this time with his arms staying in one place, for which Lily was very grateful. When he pulled out of the hug, he started to lean in to kiss her, but she gave him a light slap in the face and said, "Not here, you idiot." In reality, she was a bit scared of the prospect of kissing him—the patrol two weeks earlier had quite thoroughly put her off the whole business. It had just felt so shocking, so _wrong_; she wasn't too eager to try it again.

Nodding in understanding and looking angry with himself, James dropped his arms from around Lily, and the two continued walking. In seconds, the pair reached the Great Hall, and it became quite obvious that James's spirits couldn't stay low for long. "PADFOOT! GUESS WHAT!" James yelled immediately, at the absolute top of his lungs. Lily felt like her eardrums were bursting. "LILY'S FINALLY GOING TO GO OUT WITH ME! SHE AGREED! _I'M GOING OUT WITH LILY EVANS!"_

"Way to tell the whole school, James," Lily muttered, blushing furiously but grinning.

Sirius rushed over. He'd only gotten out of the hospital wing a few days ago and was taking full advantage of finally being mobile again. "Way to go, man!" Then he enfolded Lily in an enormous hug. Lily had never really appreciated how _big_ Sirius was, but with his tall, muscled, Quidditch-playing body, a hug from him was nearly as crushing as a hug from Hagrid. When he released Lily, he said, "Finally! Do you have any idea what it's been like living with this bloke? From third year on, it's been Lily this and Lily that, and you never even gave him a chance, but now you did! Merlin, you have no idea what a big deal this is! Thank you! You're going to make Prongs _so _much more bearable now that he won't be moping about you rejecting him anymore! Thank you!"

Lily stepped back from the overly hyper Sirius. "Whoa, you're excited." Then what he had said sank in, and she was overwhelmed, once again, with the feeling that she had been a complete jerk to James for a very long time. Looking at him, she asked, "You've seriously liked me since third year?"

"That's when I started asking you out. You knew that," he replied, seeming confused by the question.

"Yeah, but I thought that was a joke. I didn't know you meant anything by it. So for four whole years you've liked me while I've hated you and rejected you and screamed at you?"

"That mostly sums it up," James agreed. "Except that for the past two years or so I've _loved_ you, not just liked you."

"Sorry, James." Part of Lily felt even worse for how she'd acted, but part of her was on cloud nine. He'd mentioned loving her before, but she was fairly certain that she would never be able to get enough of it.

James shrugged. "It's all right. I deserved most of what you said to me—I'm not just saying that, I really did deserve it—and, well, _somebody_ had to deflate my head. That's one of the things I love about you. You'll speak your mind to anybody, no matter who they are or what you think or how people will judge you for it."

"Um . . . thanks?" It was unbelievable how hard it was to think straight with those amazing hazel eyes so close to hers, watching her and seeming just as transfixed as she felt.

James smiled. "You're welcome." He blinked. "I still can't believe you agreed to go out with me!"

"Me neither," Lily giggled. It was hard to fathom just how _happy _she was with the whole arrangement. Confusion had been torture, but once she'd decided to go with her emotions, she hadn't regretted a thing she'd done.

Remus joined the group just then. "Lily! You really agreed?"

Lily smiled. "Yep." She knew from experience that the combination of her red hair and her blush were making her head appear to be on fire. She didn't care. James loved her. James _loved_ her. _James _loved her. Oh, this felt good.

"Care to sit with the Marauders for lunch?" Remus suggested. "Mary's at our table already."

"Sure!" Lily agreed, feeling as if she'd caught some of Sirius's hyperness. For once, Lily Evans, world champion overthinker, didn't stop to think too hard. She just went with what felt right. And it felt _great. _

**A/N: What did you think? Too fluffy? Too quick? Should there have been girl talk or a Sirius-recovery chapter between the last chapter and this one? Just right? Please review! By the way, the next chapter should be coming soon and will be deeper/less fluffy, I promise. **


	9. Snape

**Disclaimer: Not mine, wish it were. **

"We need to set the date for the next Hogsmeade weekend," James mentioned at lunch the next day.

"Yeah, that's right," Lily agreed idly, not taking too much attention off of her mashed potatoes, which were, without a doubt, one of the Hogwarts house elves' specialties, and a favorite of Lily's.

"Ooh, Lily, make it soon!" Mary squealed. "But wait—not _too_ soon—I need to plan my outfit, and figure out how I'm going to do my hair, and decide which makeup would look best, and—do you have any earrings I could borrow? I definitely don't have any that would go with the shirt I'm thinking of. And can I wear your new boots? They're _so_ fashionable! But you'll want them, won't you? How long will it take to order some? James, could you sneak me into Hogsmeade beforehand so I can shop for—"

"Calm _down_, Mary," Remus soothed, kissing his girlfriend on the cheek. "You'll look beautiful no matter how little time you have to prepare, or what you're wearing. You're _always _gorgeous."

Mary relaxed a bit and leaned her head on her boyfriend's shoulder. "Thanks, Rem." Lily couldn't help smiling when she looked at the pair of them. They were so good for each other.

"I was thinking about having the Hogsmeade weekend be the weekend after this one," James suggested when it became clear that Lily wasn't about to offer up any brilliant plans. "Since it's Wednesday, that gives everyone a week and a half to find dates and stuff. We shouldn't get too much grief for that timetable."

Lily nodded. "Sounds reasonable. So, next Saturday?"

"Yeah, that's what I was thinking," James confirmed. "And, uh, Lily? Could that—ahem—could that, um, be our first, well, date?" It seemed that the prospect of probably not being rejected was a whole lot more nerve-wracking to James than the prospect of probably being rejected, as he had never acted this awkward when it was likely that Lily would respond by screaming at him.

Lily laughed gently at James's uncertainty. "Sure."

James smiled at this but looked slightly troubled, a fact that did not escape Lily. "What's wrong?" she asked.

James shook his head. "It's really nothing—it doesn't matter—"

"Spit it out," Lily insisted.

James sighed. "Fine. But it's stupid. I was just sort of hoping you'd say 'yes.'"

Lily frowned, confused. "I did say yes."

James bit his lip before explaining, "You said 'sure.'"

Lily laughed again, harder this time. "Yes, James, I would very much like for the next Hogsmeade weekend to be our first official date." She smiled at him, having no idea just how beautiful he thought her smile was. "Happy?"

James looked positively ecstatic. "Yes," he breathed, grinning uncontrollably.

Lily rolled her eyes. "Someone wake him up before our next class starts," she said to the general public. With that, she stood, bag in hand, stooped to peck James lightly on the lips—the first time she'd ever kissed a guy, and definitely not something that could really be called a kiss—and left for arithmancy before the stunned boy could even react.

As Lily was walking to arithmancy after leaving James at lunch, she heard something she hadn't heard in a very long time.

"Lily."

She stopped dead in the middle of the corridor, which was, to all appearances, deserted. It had been so long since she'd last heard that particular voice speak her name that she almost couldn't believe she'd heard correctly, but Severus Snape's voice was not particularly easy to imagine. The oily desire, the pain, the exact tones of the hurt and anger that were evident just in that one word—no, Lily never could have imagined that so accurately. She had little choice but to turn and search for the speaker.

She did not have to look long. Snape leaned out from behind a suit of armor and beckoned her into the alcove in which it stood.

A few years ago, Lily would have looked both ways and then stepped into the alcove beside him to have a whispered conversation where no Slytherins could discover that Severus was consorting with a Muggle-born. But those times had passed. Snape's betrayals of her—she saw them as two separate events, the long one involving this Death Eater aspirations and track record of Dark Magic, and the short one, over in an instant, in which he had called her a Mudblood—had left her unwilling to help him hide from his Slytherin so-called friends. "No," she told him. "If you want to talk, you're going to have to come out here to do it, and be happy that I'm giving you even _that _much of a chance."

Snape sighed and stepped reluctantly from behind the suit of armor. Coming up alongside Lily, he hissed, "What do you think you're playing at?"

"What do you mean?" Lily demanded, but she realized that she had unintentionally whispered, just because that was what Snape had done.

"You've agreed to date Potter! The whole school's talking about it! What happened to thinking he's an arrogant toe-rag?"

Lily felt fury boil up inside of her. What she did with James was none of Snape's business! "First of all, Snape, you have no right to tell me what to do or whom to date. Secondly, he's much less of an arrogant toe-rag than he used to be, and more of a man than you'll _ever_ be. For another thing, I don't care what you think! You forfeited all right to advise me on the day you called me a Mudblood, and I don't know why I'm even talking to you!" Her voice had risen by now, and the few people who had chanced to enter the hallway over the course of the conversation were staring at her and Snape.

"Lily, I'm sorry. I've told you a million times. I never—"

"I don't _care_, Snape, and don't call me Lily! I'm _done_ with you! I already _was_ done with you! I don't know why I agreed to have this conversation in the first place!" With that, the redhead stormed off to the Gryffindor common room, remembering only when she got there that she was supposed to be in Arithmancy.

"Lily, are you all right?" James asked when he arrived in Defense against the Dark Arts (the class that he had after Muggle Studies and Lily had after Arithmancy), taking his seat beside Lily. When Lily had left lunch, she'd been happy and giggling, but now she looked very upset, partly sad and partly angry.

Lily nodded, but she wasn't very convincing.

"What's wrong?" James asked, trying to sound comforting rather than demanding.

Lily sighed, started to shake her head again, and then looked down at the table in front of her and whispered, "Snape."

Severus Snape was in James and Lily's Defense against the Dark Arts class—there was only one for seventh-years—and in fact he was directly behind Lily and James, several rows back. James immediately stood and turned to face Snape, pulling out his wand and snarling, "I'll kill him."

All of Lily's reasons for hating James and his friends for the entirety of their first six years at Hogwarts rushed back to her suddenly as she saw that familiar, malicious look disfiguring James's face. More fiercely than she'd said anything in a long time, she snarled, "_No_, you _won't_." She grabbed James's arm and held it in a vice grip.

James looked back at Lily, surprised. "Snape obviously hurt you. I am not going to allow that, especially not now that you're my girlfriend."

"First of all, hexing is not a good way to deal with problems," Lily snapped in return. "Secondly, who said I was your girlfriend? We haven't even been on one date, let alone made out or anything. Thirdly, if you do consider me your girlfriend, don't you want to keep me in that capacity? Because I am _not_ about to date the hexing, arrogant, bullying, idiotic jerk that you were two or three years ago."

James sat down reluctantly. He looked hurt, but Lily knew she couldn't cave to his pathetic expression this soon or she would never get her point across. "You said you deserved most of the insults I gave you up through a few weeks ago. I'm sorry for not taking your affection for me seriously, but you did deserve my former opinion of you. I'm willing to date the you I've seen this year, but you have to actually act like the guy you've been on rounds for the past few weeks, all right? And that means no hexing people, _including Snape_!"

"But he—" James protested.

"I _mean_ it!" Lily snapped, but much of her fierceness was just pretending. In reality, she was quite disappointed in his response to seeing her upset about Snape, but she was also kind of grateful; if he acted like that anytime _anyone_ threatened her, it would get annoying, but it would also make her feel a lot safer, what with the Death Eater situation and all the threats that brought to Muggle-borns.

James hung his head contritely. "Yes, Lily."

Lily laughed suddenly. It was so hard to stay mad at James, even when she needed to, especially when she was partially grateful. "_The_ James Potter, submitting to someone?"

"I'm submitting to you, gorgeous Lily-flower. I wouldn't submit to just anyone."

"Don't call me Lily-flower. Please, just—no." Lily winced slightly at the pathetic nickname, though she was actually grateful to James for lightening her mood. She was so serious, so often; it would be good for her, dating James, having to laugh at life a bit.

James sighed and looked at the table. "Fine."

He looked so disheartened that Lily actually felt bad for him. Then something occurred to her. If James wasn't happy with how she was treating him, he could just go and find another girl. Plenty of them were constantly throwing themselves at him. "Sorry. Are you—rethinking this? I mean, if you think it wouldn't be, you know, fun to date me, um . . ."

James looked up incredulously. "Rethinking? Lily, I've been chasing you since _third year_. I knew all along what you thought of me and your standards of behavior and your opinions about stuff. I know I didn't really bother maturing until now, but—well, it took some help from Moony to figure out what you wanted and what you didn't like about me and everything, but I'm willing to be the kind of person you want to date. I love you, Lily. That's not about to change just because you tell me I can't hex someone."

"Thanks, James," Lily murmured. The anger and pain she'd been feeling since she met Snape in the hallway after lunch were fading. It was hard to feel bad when such strong love was enveloping her. James's words made her feel supported, accepted, and—more than anything—safe. For Muggle-borns, security was rather hard to come by these days, and Lily was grateful for the way James made her feel, even though she'd just been hit over the head with a reminder of the sort of jerk James was capable of being.

"'Course, Lily," James replied brightly.

Lily couldn't wait for the Hogsmeade trip.

**A/N: This was the last chapter I had planned. I'm going to continue the story at some point, but school's starting and it might take a little while for me to get more time to write. I hope to get the next chapter up within the next week. Please be patient! I promise I won't abandon you; I might just need a little time to figure out school and try to come up with more stuff to happen. Reviews are really motivating and might speed up the process . . . they definitely made this chapter come faster! So please review!**


	10. New and Old

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

Lily woke up early on Saturday, feeling extremely nervous without knowing why. Then she remembered: today was the day of her first official date in her entire life, and she was going to be spending the _entire freaking day_ in Hogsmeade with James Potter. Merlin. Merlin. Merlin.

Obsessive planner and overachiever that she was, Lily had already picked out her outfit (she'd spent about an hour agonizing over the decision every night as she was trying to fall asleep, and by Friday she'd decided on an ensemble she couldn't find fault with, no matter how hard she tried). Instead of thinking about clothes, she fished out her charms assignment from her bag, figuring that at least she could get some work done before Mary woke up and it was time to start getting dressed, putting on makeup, and doing hair. To her surprise, Lily was able to focus—homework actually tended to help her calm down—and she was able to complete the assigned reading and write part of her essay before her best friend awoke.

"Today's the day!" Mary squealed, announcing to the world that she was no longer asleep.

"Wha—?" Lily replied distractedly, a good part of her mind still on her charms essay.

"_We're going to Hogsmeade today! With boyfriends!_" Mary yelled, running over to Lily and giving her a very hyper hug.

"Yep," Lily agreed, extricating herself from Mary's embrace. "Excited?"

"Yeah, but nervous. You?" Mary replied, calming down.

"Same. Definitely."

"Were you just doing _homework_? How did you focus?" Mary demanded suddenly, noticing the paper, book, quill, and ink on the end of Lily's bed.

"This is me, remember?" Lily replied.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." She didn't pursue the subject. "What should I wear?"

"That blue scoop-neck tee you have is really cute . . ." Lily suggested.

"Are you sure? I think maybe the red sweater would be better . . . What do you think?"

Lily sighed and gave her opinion. All told, it took almost an hour for Mary to pick out her outfit, do her makeup, and curl her hair to her satisfaction. Lily just had to get dressed—she still wasn't willing to try makeup—and brush her hair (which she decided looked no worse down than it would look in any other position), so mostly she helped Mary and added a few words here and there to her charms essay. It was a long hour, especially when dealing with nerves. Lily was very, very relieved when Mary decided she was finally ready enough to go down to breakfast.

James and Remus were already there, so the two girls joined the Marauder table. James whistled. Lily was just wearing jeans, boots, and a green sweater, but even she had to admit that it looked pretty good on her. The jeans fit perfectly and made her rather short legs look a lot longer than they were. The boots were suede and had a heel and made her look older somehow, but not in an _old_ way. The sweater was soft, both to the touch and in color, contrasting nicely with her violently red hair; it hugged her curves, and the neckline was low enough that it wasn't altogether surprising that James was quite impressed.

Before Lily knew it, breakfast was over (she couldn't remember eating or what, if anything, she had talked about), and it was time to leave.

Walking through the gates of Hogwarts on the road to Hogsmeade, James took Lily's hand. He'd been pretty careful about touching her before now, probably as a result of his mistake that ill-fated patrol before they'd gotten together. But now his hand wasn't just holding hers; his thumb was tracing circles on the back of her hand, gently but persistently. It felt better than Lily had expected—by a lot.

"Just to make one thing clear, you're not paying for anything today," James said as the two walked to Hogsmeade.

"Oh, 'cause that's not sexist at all," Lily replied casually.

"Lily, this is a date. The guy pays."

"That's sexist."

"It's tradition."

"Tradition is sexist. I'm pretty sure it's in the definition."

"It's what the guy is supposed to do!"

"Yeah, like cooking and cleaning are what the girl is supposed to do!"

"No, like . . . like . . . like . . . Merlin, Lily, are you ever going to stop arguing with me?" James laughed as he said it.

Lily had to laugh too. "Nope. Never."

"Merlin, I love you," James declared suddenly. "And by the way, I'm paying."

"Are not."

"Am too."

The couple made it almost the entire way to Hogsmeade arguing casually. They laughed a lot as they bickered. It felt so much like it always had, just arguing with James, yet so different—there was James's thumb on the back of Lily's hand to make sure neither of them forgot that. The feelings all converged into something perfect, something that made Lily want to laugh and give James a giant hug and probably snog him a bit too.

It was hard to feel like the day was going to be anything other than great.

**A/N: Sorry, I know that was pointless; I felt like I just had to get a chapter up. I know this wasn't up to my usual standards, but I'm busy and having writer's block and getting busier . . . I was hoping that if I wrote, something would come to me, but it didn't work—at least, I didn't feel like it did. Please have patience. It might be a few weeks before the next update.**


	11. The Date

**Disclaimer: Yeah, I wish. Not mine. **

**A/N: By the way, sorry for the random POV change when I posted this chapter earlier. It's fixed now. **

"Pick out whatever you like," James told Lily as they walked into Honeydukes. "Remember, I'm paying."

"You are not," Lily argued. The two of them still hadn't settled the matter, even though they'd bickered over it all the way to the store.

"Yes, I am."

"James, that's actually a bad idea here—I'm serious. I _love_ chocolate. You don't want to start funding this habit of mine. You have no idea how quickly I would go through your money."

"I know you love chocolate. That's why we're here," James replied calmly.

Lily narrowed her eyes slightly. "Wait, how did you know?"

"Remember those chocolates I sent you on Valentine's Day in fifth year?" he asked.

Lily nodded.

"Well, I noticed that you never yelled at me for sending those, even though you'd yelled at me for everything else I'd ever sent you. So I sent them again during our OWLs—please tell me you remember this—and you didn't yell at me then, either. And after that, I sent them last year on Valentine's Day last year, and then during our exams last year as well, and, through all of that, you never once yelled at me for them. So yes, of course I know you love chocolate.

"Besides"—he stepped closer to me and lowered his voice—"I don't want to sound arrogant about this or anything, but, Lily, I thought you knew that money isn't really an issue for me."

Oh yes. Lily recalled the last time she really insulted James. What were the words she'd used? _Rich, spoiled_ . . . Yes, she knew that money wasn't "really an issue" for him. But she'd never thought through the impacts that might have on her relationship. She wasn't like her sister, who'd chase after a bloke just because she liked his bank account. But come to think of it, having a boyfriend with money might—Lily hated herself for thinking it—have some advantages.

Realizing what she had just thought, part of Lily became more determined than ever not to let James pay for anything for her on this date. "Whatever," she told him. "I'm still paying."

"Lily, don't do this to me."

"Don't do _what_ to you?" she demanded.

"Well, you see, you're telling a Marauder not to do something. And Marauders always do what they've been told not do. We find very creative ways to get around people's attempts to stop us, but sometimes there are very simple ways of doing that. For instance, I could buy a lot of chocolate right now and slip it into your dormitory bit by bit—just a little piece here and there—and I know you wouldn't be able to resist eating it. That _is_ what I'm going to do if you don't let my buy you anything directly. But if you don't want me to have to go that extra trouble, you could let me buy you something and get it over with. Just please don't delude yourself—you're dealing with a Marauder here."

"That you are, Lily," quipped Sirius, coming up behind the couple.

James whirled around and cuffed his best mate on the back of the head. "I told you to stay out of our way, you idiot!"

Sirius pretended to be hurt. "So now that you finally got your girl, you don't even want to see your best mate?"

"Not while I'm on a date! We went over this!"

"You're no fun," Sirius muttered and slouched away dramatically.

"Is he going to be all right?" Lily asked. "You and Remus did both just basically desert him."

"Oh, he'll be fine," James replied dismissively. "I'd give it 20 minutes before he's off snogging some random girl over a glass of firewhiskey. Don't waste time worrying about him."

"I see," Lily replied, trying not to think about the way Sirius chose to conduct himself.

"I don't know if I've ever been in Honeydukes this long without buying anything," James remarked. "Would you allow me to change that?"

After a brief interior battle, Lily gave up. "Fine."

"What do you want?"

Lily made a beeline for the chocolate shelves. Chocolate frogs, chocolate bars, chocolate bricks, chocolate eggs . . . she'd tried all of it before, and so she knew that it tasted heavenly. She wanted all of it.

When she finally handed James the chocolate, he seemed a bit surprised. "How are you so thin?" he blurted, looking from Lily to the chocolate and back again without seeming to think his question through.

"Good metabolism. It runs in the family. You should see my sister. I swear, she could eat five-course meals every day and still look like a rail with . . . never mind, I'm not having this conversation with you. It practically qualifies as girl talk." Lily was surprised with herself. She barely ever brought up Petunia when she could help it, and it was a very well-kept secret that she envied her sister's thinner, more well-endowed figure. Practically the only one she'd ever talked about any of that with was Mary. And now she was nearly telling James? She'd only been on speaking terms with him for a month!

It had to be that he made her feel so _comfortable_. She knew he'd accept her no matter what, so she could tell him things that she wouldn't tell just about anyone else.

But that did not include girl talk. That would just be weird.

"Lily, I've spent enough time around Padfoot to know how you were going to finish that sentence."

"That does not mean that I'm having that conversation with you!" Lily retorted, blushing. Why did she have to blush so easily? And why now? She hated blushing; redheads were not meant to blush. Period.

"Okay, Lily, whatever you say," James agreed, shifting the chocolate into one arm so that he could put his other arm around her. "Do you want anything else, or just the chocolate?"

"Just the chocolate," Lily replied, grateful to James for changing the subject.

Lily winced when the Honeydukes clerk told James the total cost of the chocolate, but she forced herself to allow him to pay. She had agreed to it, after all. "Where to next?" she asked when the ordeal of watching him pay for her chocolate had finally ended.

"Are you hungry yet?" James asked in response.

"Sure, I guess," Lily replied. It was hard not to be when you'd just spent half an hour in a candy shop.

"How does the Three Broomsticks sound for lunch?" James suggested.

"Great," Lily replied brightly.

A look of relief swept over James's face. "Thank Merlin."

"What?" Lily asked.

"I think I was going to die if you were one of those Madam Pudifoot people."

"Ew, no _way_," Lily replied. "Ew. No. Don't even suggest that. Just . . . no. Ew."

"Thank Merlin."

"So, to lunch?"

During lunch, Lily was suddenly grateful for having sat by house for meals for the past six years of her life. She'd known girls who'd dated outside of their houses to have all sorts of insecurity about eating in front of their boyfriends, but, for Lily, that was one problem she absolutely did not have. It would have been terrible if she had, because the Three Broomsticks' servings were enormous. As it was, she'd been raised into the ethics of cleaning one's plate, and she did, chatting with James all the while. It was ridiculously easy to talk to him; the two of them had shared so many classes, classmates, and experiences over their first six years at Hogwarts, and continued to do so this year, that practically anything even remotely related to school could give rise to a lively conversation. Then, of course, there were the things they still wanted to know—about each other's vastly different childhoods, each other's families, each other's dreams.

Their plates were cleared, their meal paid for, and then they wandered outside to continue their conversation. The only people whose company had ever felt so good to Lily were Mary and, long ago, Severus Snape. And this was different.

Before Lily really noticed, she and James had wandered out of Hogsmeade a little way, on the road to the Shrieking Shack. There wasn't anyone around, but Lily didn't feel threatened or alone. Not with James there.

"Lily . . ." James said during a lull in the conversation.

"Yeah?"

"Can I kiss you?"

Lily took a deep breath and said what she wanted to say before she had a chance to change her mind. "Yes."

As it turned out, she didn't regret that decision at all. The kisses she and James had on the path outside of Hogsmeade that day were ones she would relive for a very long time.

That night, trying to fall asleep, she was happy to realize that she couldn't recall a better day.

**A/N: Sorry it took so long to update. I was pretty busy and had terrible writer's block, which is hopefully gone now (the writer's block, not the school; that one's staying). Anyway, I'm sorry I kept you waiting, and I hope you liked this chapter! Please review and tell me what you think!**


	12. Forgetting and Not Forgiving

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry, his parents, their friends, their world, their candy, their . . . I think you get the picture. Not mine. **

**A/N: Sorry for the wait. Homework, etc. Hope you like the chapter!**

Lily's evening went from amazing to terrible in exactly as long as it took Snape to say, "This is really supposed to work the other way 'round."

Perhaps the worst part was that he was entirely correct.

As James and Lily broke apart, blushing furiously, Snape continued, "I think the headmaster will be quite interested to hear that his head boy and head girl have been caught engaging in exactly the kind of behavior they are supposedly on patrol to prevent."

Then again, the worst part might have been how tight his voice was—tight, Lily knew, with pain at seeing her snogging James, a reality Snape had no doubt been trying to put out of his mind.

Or the worst part might have been that, as soon as Snape finished speaking, James whipped out his wand and snarled, "_Obliviate!_"

Snape's eyes slid out of focus and then slowly drifted back into a normal position again, but he looked confused. "You've been caught out of bed. Fifty points from Slytherin. Go back to your dormitory," James said authoritatively, and Snape turned around and shuffled down the hall without challenging the head boy.

Lily was shocked at how flippantly her boyfriend had just abused his post as head boy. Of course, to be entirely fair, she hadn't exactly been a model head girl tonight either, snogging James when she was supposed to be patrolling. But still, in Lily's mind there were lines that _were not to be crossed_, and hexing someone else to keep yourself from a punishment you deserved definitely crossed those lines. "Thirty points from Gryffindor," Lily snapped. "You don't just _do _that, Potter." It was the first time she'd called him by his last name since the patrol when they'd become friends over a month ago.

"I notice that you didn't reverse the obliviation" was James's only response, though he winced at the sound of his surname.

"_You dare—?_" Lily practically screamed. "Potter, I'm not—! I know—! How could—?" She took a deep breath. "Look. I know it kills Sev to see us together. Seeing us snogging is pretty much his worst nightmare. I wouldn't have erased his memory, but I'm not about to _put it back _just so it can torture him." She used Snape's nickname specifically because she knew it would remind James of her history with the boy. Usually, Lily wished no one had ever seen the friendship that had existed between her and the Slytherin, but right now she felt as if James needed to be reminded that Sev was a person too—and she rather liked that the nickname would drive James up the wall.

"So you stand by and let me do the damage and then punish me for it later. Very fair."

"Don't _you_ go off at _me_ about ethics!" Lily yelled. "There wasn't much time to reverse what you'd done before Sev was _gone_, and I would have taken points from Gryffindor anyway after what you did, even if I'd reversed it, because abusing your power like that is just _wrong_, Potter!"

"So how should we have reacted, then, if I shouldn't have erased his memory?" James challenged, and his voice was colder than Lily had heard it in years.

"Well, first of all, Sev was right," Lily replied.

"You—you really just said that?" James gasped. "How can you be serious?"

"We're not supposed to spend patrols snogging, Potter. You know that as well as I do. Yes, we're teenagers, we're going to get up to some things we shouldn't, that's the whole point of being this age—but we should at least behave while we're doing our head duties. If Sev had reported us to McGonagall for abusing our power as heads, he would have been right to do so, and we would have deserved what we got. I'm not saying I want that or that I'm going to go looking for that—but it wasn't fair of you to hex Sev into forgetting what he saw."

"But what would you have _done_ if I hadn't Obliviated him?"James pressed unrelentingly.

"I don't know—I'd have stammered my way through, I guess," Lily replied helplessly. Merlin, James hadn't grilled her in years. Sure, they'd had a few follow-up fights after that time he'd used Levicorpus on Sev in fifth year, but sixth year hadn't been so bad. Lily had forgotten what a good arguer James could be when he tried. This fight was especially brutal because, this year, James had been so gentle with her, taking care of her and listening to her and trying to make her feel good about herself—so it felt even worse to find him suddenly bent on tearing her down. Lily felt her eyes filling with tears, but she blinked them away angrily.

For a while, no one spoke. Then James asked, "Lily—are we still—together?"

That was the last straw. Lily choked on a sob before giving up and letting herself go, no longer trying to keep from crying.

"Lily, what—?" James started to ask, putting his arms around her.

Something about his embrace felt wrong, having just argued so strongly. Lily wormed her way out of James's arms, saying, "Don't."

James looked hurt. "Lily—"

"You can't hex someone, abuse your place as head boy, and do your best to shoot me down in an argument, and then expect everything to be okay, Potter." Lily was still crying, and she'd rarely felt this scared. She'd never broken up with someone before, and she didn't know whether she wanted to end her relationship with James or not. She didn't even know if what she was doing qualified as breaking up.

"Evans, are you dumping me?" James asked very, very quietly. He formed his words deliberately, but the slight slowness was the only expression in the sentence.

But Merlin, it had been a long time since he'd called her Evans.

Lily sat down on the floor against the wall of the corridor, drew her knees up to her chest, and put her forehead to her knees. "I don't know. I really don't know."

There was a pause, and then James said, "Well, our patrol time is over. I'll stay if you want, but otherwise I'm going to bed. I'll see you at breakfast, all right?" His voice was gentle but otherwise devoid of expression.

Lily sighed—or, at least, she tried. It was hard to tell if she managed a sigh amid her sobs. "All right. Go," she replied, trying not to sound too harsh.

There was the sound of receding footsteps, and then the only sound Lily could hear was that which she made herself as she fought to control her sobs.

What in the name of Merlin was she going to do now?

**A/N: Please review! I'll try to get the next chapter up ASAP, but no promises. **


	13. Advice

**Disclaimer: It belongs to J. K. Rowling. Period.**

Lily sat against the wall and cried for what felt like years. Finally, completely drained, she dragged herself back to the Gryffindor common room and up to the seventh-year girls' dormitory. She was unutterably tired and wanted nothing more than to fall into bed, still clothed, and give in to sleep—anything for the day to be over—but, Lily being Lily, she was also painfully aware of what she had to do, and right now she was in desperate need of some advice. She wanted to sleep. She didn't want to wake Mary. But being responsible meant that a lot of the time Lily did things she didn't want to do, and this was no exception.

Lily shook Mary awake.

"Wha . . . ? 'S'not morning yet . . . 's too dark to be morning . . ." Mary groaned. Lily continued shaking her. Mary blinked several times and seemed to become more aware of the situation. "Lily? I tried to wait for you. I stayed up 'til 12:30. What took you so long? Did you and James decide to take it to th—" A shadow shifted from in front of the moon, and light splashed suddenly across Lily's face. Mary changed direction mid-word. "Good Merlin, Lily! What happened?"

Making sure to whisper to avoid waking her dorm mates, Lily related the events of the evening. Mary listened intently, gasping and visibly reacting at times, but she didn't interrupt.

When Lily had finished, Mary said, "Before I say anything else, I want to remind you of one thing that might have gotten lost in all of tonight's drama: James loves you. He may be immature, impulsive, stupid, arrogant, irrational, and a complete git, but you can't deny that he loves you."

Lily sighed. "I know. That's what's so _hard_. Part of me just wants to be done with him—well, for that matter, part of me thinks it was an enormous mistake to ever date him in the first place—but another part won't let go of the fact that he's in love with me. I mean, when all is said and done, love is worth a lot, and turning my back on it could be a big mistake. On the other hand . . . he's just _so stupid! _And not just stupid—immoral! What kind of person uses _their authority as a Head_ to use magic to get even with people they don't like?"

"Hate to break it to you, Lily, but I'd say probably most people would," Mary pointed out. "Especially when caught in that sort of situation."

"We would have sorted it out somehow!" Lily argued back, raising her voice. "There was no need for James to go and hex Sev!"

"Shh, shh, you don't want to wake up the whole dorm, do you?" Mary whispered. "Look, it was arrogant and wrong of James to use his power as Head Boy to obliviate Snape, lie to him, and take points from Slytherin. But it also made sense, and there was no really good way out of the situation that you were caught in. James wasn't _right_, but I wouldn't say that any of this is worth breaking up over."

Lily sighed. "I know. But it's not just the mess with Snape that's bothering me. It's the argument afterward. Couldn't James just have apologized, rather than trying to make it seem like _I _was the one who was wrong?"

"It's called pride, Lily," Mary said patiently. "James was wrong about this, too, but his reaction completely makes sense. It's really hard to admit you're wrong, and it would be especially hard for James. He's smart, good at Quidditch, and even when he gets a detention the teachers are trying so hard not to laugh that they don't have much energy to be actually mad at him. Being _wrong _ is something that happens to other people, not to him. And you didn't just accuse him of being wrong; you expected him to accept your judgement. Do you realize how humiliating that was for him? Lily, boys want to be macho. They _especially _want to look macho in front of their girlfriends. And you went and humiliated him. Of _course_ he argued with you. Of _course_ he took it way too far. People do bad things when they're embarrassed. It's _human_."

"So you want me to just stay with him and pretend nothing ever happened?" Lily asked.

"Not quite," Mary replied. "Stay with him—it's your choice, but, if you're asking for my opinion, I would advise not breaking up with him. You don't need to pretend it never happened. He abused his power, he did something he _knew_ you wouldn't like, and, when you called him on it, he argued so hard against you that he made you cry. That's pretty pathetic boyfriend behavior, and he should definitely apologize to you. But ultimately, it was a bad situation and he had a fairly normal, if fundamentally wrong, way of dealing with it, and I wouldn't advise you to dump him."

"But he's such a _git_."

"If that's what you really think, then by all means break up with him. It's your choice, Lily. But you can't _really _judge a person by how they act on one day."

"I know. But—I thought he wasn't going to be like this anymore."

"And mostly he wasn't," Mary pointed out.

"Until tonight."

"Do what you want, Lily. It's your choice."

Lily's mind was going in circles. Her thoughts were full of accusations and contradictions and fears and regrets and blame and possibilities. Then she made a decision: "I'm going to bed."

**A/N: What do you think? What should happen next? Any input is welcome—please review! Thanks!**


	14. Apologies

**Disclaimer: Yeah, I **_**wish**_** this was mine. It's not.**

**A/N: Sorry that's it's been **_**forever.**_** If you still care, thank you! I'll try to be better about updates, but no promises. I hope you'll stick with me. **

Lily woke feeling drained and miserable without being able to think of _why_. For a moment, she wished James was there to hold her, make her laugh, tell her it would be okay, kiss her, take her mind off things, whatever. She felt like she could really use some of that.

A moment later, she remembered what had happened, and she immediately retracted her wish. No. She decidedly did _not _want anything from James Potter right now, except perhaps a sincere apology or a time-turner.

Lily didn't want to get up and face the day, but a glance at her watch told her she had no choice. No matter what was going on in her life, she never skipped a class. Over the past couple of years, situations had occasionally arisen that made her desperate to skip classes for a little extra sleep or time, but she knew that, as a prefect, she had to set a good example, and she wasn't about to shirk that duty. Now that she was head girl, such reasons held even more sway. Thus, groaning, Lily got out of bed, threw on some clean robes, yanked a brush through her mess of red hair, decided to call that good enough, and descended the stairs from her dormitory.

James was sitting morosely on a couch in the common room, with Sirius and Peter on one side of him and Remus on the other. Lily groaned when she saw them. She was tired, emotionally drained, and not even fully awake yet. She really did _not_ want to face a Marauder right now—and she really, really, really didn't want to face _all_ the Marauders at once.

For better or for worse, she didn't have to. Just as Lily was considering turning around and returning to her dormitory and going back to bed, head girl duties aside, James rose from the couch and made his way toward her. For a second, this just made Lily more determined to go back to bed, but then she decided that it wasn't as if putting off the time when she had to confront James would do her any good. She had to do it sooner or later, and it might as well be sooner.

Sometimes Lily really hated how logical she was.

"Lily, I'm sorry," James said when he reached her. "I never should have done any of the things I did last night. You were right about everything. I shouldn't have been using our time on patrol for personal pleasure, I shouldn't have hexed Snape for finding us and threatening to turn us in—which I deserved anyway—and I shouldn't have argued with you about it and I really, really shouldn't have made you cry. I'm sorry for all of it, and I'm sorry for what it's probably done to you, and—Lily, could you please, please forgive me?"

James. Potter. Begging. In front of people. Dear Merlin, this was serious.

It wasn't just that, either. While James was talking, Lily watched him—and not just his face. She wasn't prepared for what she saw.

James's hands were scabbed and bleeding, as if he'd spent the better part of the night punching something hard and spiky. His eyes had dark circles under them and his eyes were red, though Lily couldn't tell if this was from fatigue or crying. Either way, he looked bad. He was still in the same robes he'd been wearing the previous day, but they didn't seem to have been slept in—which meant he probably hadn't slept. It was pretty obvious he hadn't shaved since the previous morning, either.

Lily hated him and wanted him and wanted to take away his pain, all at once, and she knew that she really had very little choice as to whether she would stay with the head boy. She couldn't dump him. It would hurt him too much.

That didn't mean she wasn't still furious with him. She wasn't ready to forgive him yet, even though he was standing there bleeding and exhausted and pleading with her to do so.

"I'm not forgiving you."

James lowered his hopeful, pain-filled eyes. "You have every right . . . Evans." He turned to leave.

"Potter—wait," Lily reacted without having planned on it. "I accept your apology. But I'm not the _only_ one to whom you owe an apology. What you did last night was immature beyond words, and I'm not going to date someone who acts like that. But I know that's not how you've been acting for most of this year. So you need to show me that you're mature, because you have a lot to cancel out from last night. You . . . you need to make it up to Sev."

"But he doesn't even remember what happened!" James protested. Then he realized what he had said and lowered his eyes to the floor again. After a long sigh, he said, "Very well. I understand. And . . . thank you for not giving up on me entirely. I know I was an idiot last night."

"That you were," Lily replied coolly.

"I'm sorry."

Lily looked down at James's bleeding hands and then back up at his painfully desperate face. "I know, James."

There wasn't much left to say, and the conversation had already been awkward enough as it was. Lily went down to breakfast, trying not to think too hard about what had happened. What would happen next was up to James, so she really didn't need to think about it now—and she didn't want to.

But what _did_ she want?

**A/N: Please review! Sorry again for the long wait!**


	15. Arguing with Remus

**Disclaimer: It's J. K. Rowling's. **

**A/N: Would you look at that? Two updates in one day! No promises on when you'll get the next one, but I hope this helps redeem me. **

**Also, I decided in this chapter to let the dialogue speak for itself. I'm warning you now, this chapter is only dialogue—no exceptions. Just a heads-up.**

"Lily."

"Yeah, Remus?"

"I hope you know what you did to James."

"I do. But what was I supposed to do?"

"Don't you think giving him the impression that you hate him is going a bit far?"

"He—"

"I _know,_ Lily—he only told us about a million times—but still! You know what happens to him when he hurts you!"

"I know, Remus. I know! But I can't date someone who—"

"Why not?"

"What—you're _challenging_ me on this? I'd think you of all people would be able to see that I have a right to make my own decisions about this! And for another thing, unless I marry him, there will come a time when we break up! Do you think I don't have a right to do that, either?"

"You have every _right_, Lily, but sometimes _being_ right is about knowing when not to do things just because you can."

"I didn't do it just because I could! He—"

"I know, Lily. I've lived with him for six and a half years now. And he's one of my best friends. I know what he's like."

"So then what don't you understand?"

"What I don't understand, Lily, is how someone as caring, patient, and forgiving as you could make James think you actually care about him and then make him think that you hate him shortly thereafter!"

"Remus, that's not fair! That's not the whole story by a long shot and you know it!"

"That's the _effect_, which is what matters."

"Well, I don't have a time-turner, so I can't change what I did. We're stuck with the past, whatever you think of it."

"You're right."

"So, what do you think I should do now?"

"Well, are you going to break up with him?"

"Not over this. If I were, I would have done it last night or this morning. I wouldn't give him false hope and _then _dump him. Whatever you think of me, I'm not _that _heartless."

"I never said you were."

"You _impl_—never mind. Anyway, no, I'm not going to dump him."

"Then I'd suggest you tell him so, explicitly."

"He should already know. I mean, didn't I already tell him?"

"Put it this way—just look at his hands."

"Very well. I'll tell him."

"Good."

"Merlin, patrol's going to be awkward."

"At least you know that much."

"Remus!"

"Sorry. It's just hard to watch my best mate hurt himself like that. Sirius and I had to hold him back all night to keep him from doing even worse things to himself. We took him to the Shrieking Shack so at least no one would find us. It was a long night."

"It would be."

"It's so hard to believe that my friends do that for me every month."

"Yeah, they're good guys."

"Which is why you shouldn't dump James."

"I know, I know! It's just . . . he's so immature sometimes. And mean! And—it was Sev. You know I can't handle that stuff when it's Sev."

"I know, Lily. Believe me, I know."

"Do you think James is actually going to behave now?"

"He's the lead Marauder, Lily."

"But you think I shouldn't dump him?"

"I don't know where you'd find a bloke more devoted to you. That's worth a lot."

"Yeah, I guess."

"Do as you wish, Lily. Just—handle him with care, okay? James is more breakable than you think."

"I'll bear that in mind."

"Thank Merlin."

**A/N: What do you think? Please review!**


	16. Patrol and Potions Ingredients

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. **

"You're late, Potter." Lily said the words disbelievingly. After all the fighting the night before, the awkward conversation that morning, and the subsequent careful avoidance of one another throughout the day, had it really not occurred to James that the worst thing he could possibly do was to give Lily more of reason than she already had to want to kill him?

To be fair, Lily had almost not come to patrol that night either. She was by no means looking forward to having to spend two hours with someone for whom she had so many conflicting emotions, chief among them rage. But, even so, Lily had showed up in their usual meeting spot at the usual time, only to find that James was not there. He hadn't come for another ten minutes. It was the first time all year that James had been late, and Lily didn't know what to make of it. All she knew was that she didn't like it.

"I'm sorry," James sighed, sounding hopeless. "Really. I—I underestimated how long it would take to get back from the Slytherin dorms."

Lily narrowed her eyes. "The _Slytherin_ dorms?" What in the name of Merlin, she wondered, had James Potter been doing in the Slytherin dorms?

"You—you said I had to make it up to Snape. I—ahem—snuck in there, found Snape's spot, and . . . gave him a few things." James seemed to be having trouble talking to Lily—he was hesitating far more than she'd ever heard him hesitate before.

" 'A few things'?" Lily asked suspiciously.

"A picture of you—I hope you, um, don't mind—and some potions ingredients. I made a Hogsmeade run this morning to get them." James looked so uncomfortable that part of Lily was desperate to put him at ease—and she had to admit that, if he'd done what he said, then she was really running out of reasons to be mad at him.

"What ingredients?" Lily demanded, not dropping her interrogative demeanor.

"Spine of lionfish, powdered unicorn horn, fang of vampire . . ." James listed.

Lily's eyes widened. Those were some of the most expensive potions ingredients that were sold in common apothecary shops. "In what quantities?"

"About . . . 40 galleons' worth," James admitted, watching Lily anxiously for her reaction.

"You really did that?" Lily gasped.

James looked Lily in the eye. "Yes, I did. Whatever you think of me, I wouldn't lie to you." He paused, took a deep breath, and added, "I love you far too much to ever want to deceive you." There was sincerity in his voice—desperate sincerity that couldn't have been false.

Lily closed her eyes and breathed deeply a few times to try to settle her turbulent emotions. "You spent the night being furious with yourself, regretful, and . . . scared that I would leave you, that you'd wrecked your chances so soon after finally having a shot at going out with me. You spent the day planning how to make it up to Sev while trying not to make me angrier than I already was. And you still don't know what I'm going to say or do, and you hate that. Is that accurate?"

James nodded slowly. "Yes . . . Lily."

Lily felt a flood of empathy for the boy. A few moments of emotional mistakes last night had cost him so much. Remus was right. Even if James had monumentally screwed up—in a way that was, as Mary had pointed out, understandable—he still didn't deserve to be dumped.

Lily gave James a small smile. "I forgive you."

James raised his eyebrows. "Really? I thought you were furious."

"I was," Lily replied. "And, if I see you hex Sev again, unless he's trying to hurt someone, I _will_ be furious. Even though we're not friends anymore, I still remember what he was like, and I still feel protective of him. When you and your friends hurt him, I still get mad at you, and it still hurts me to see him hurt, even though I know we can't go back to having what we had. But, on the other hand, I also value what you and I have had for the past couple months, and I feel protective of you, too. I know that what I did hurt you—but what you did to Sev last night hurt me, and I couldn't just let that go. But I know why you did it and I'm fairly confident you won't do it again. I know that you're more mature than I give you credit for being, and it's pretty obvious that you care a lot about our relationship. So, yes, we're still together."

James looked at Lily, his eyes full of so much eager hope that the girl almost wanted to laugh. "You're really willing to stay with me, Lily? Really?"

"Yes, James."

James took her hand—the first time he had touched her since last night's unwelcome attempt to put his arms around her. He gave the hand a small squeeze and whispered, "Thank you." Lily could feel the scabs on his knuckles, reminding her painfully of what her anger had done to him.

"It's not what I did. It's what you proved to me," Lily told him. "If you give me reason to think that you were insincere or untruthful about anything you said tonight or anything you've done, then the situation will change. But, at present, I actually trust you, at least on this."

"Thank you."

Part of Lily had to wonder if she'd made the right decision. But if James had really laid aside his hatred of Sev enough to spend 40 galleons on potions ingredients for him, just because Lily had said he had to, that was a pretty strong sign of devotion and maturity. Besides, it seemed that Lily had hurt James enough to last for quite a while—his hands were proof of that.

**A/N: Hate it? Love it? Suggestions? Please review! I want to know what you think! **


	17. The Headmaster's News

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, or any of the awesome stuff associated with him. **

**A/N: Sorry it's been forever. Finals, drama, and science tournaments have left me with little time to write. I hope to be better about this in the future. Expect an update within three weeks, but probably not sooner. **

**Anyway, a recap, since it's been a while and you might have forgotten what happened: James matured in seventh year, Lily agreed to go out with him, and then James hexed Snape in front of Lily and she nearly broke up with him, but she didn't. **

"Potter, go directly from this class to the headmaster's office, if you please," Professor McGonagall said as her seventh-year students were making their way out of her classroom.

"What did I do?" James asked defensively. "I swear it wasn't me, Professor." For once, he wasn't trying to lie his way out of trouble—he was, however shockingly, innocent.

"I never said you were in trouble, Potter," the professor replied, and there was something behind her eyes that her students of that year had rarely seen before.

"You'd better not be," Lily hissed in James's ear. It had been a week since their big fight, and the relationship seemed fairly stable, but both Lily and James were still rather on edge around each other.

"I'm not. I can't be. I didn't do anything!" James replied. When Lily didn't seem quite convinced, he added, "Look, Lily, I'm not stupid enough to risk what I have with you _again_."

Lily gave him half a smile. "Well, then, good luck with Dumbledore."

"Thanks," James responded.

"Oy! Prongs, mate, what are you seeing the headmaster for?" Sirius demanded, loping over to the couple.

"No idea," James answered truthfully. "I haven't done anything; you know that."

"Unless you've been cooking up your own plans lately. Now that you've got the girl, maybe you think you're too good for the rest of the Marauders, huh?" Sirius challenged, and his voice held both jest and bitterness. "Or maybe you and Evans had been caught—but wait, then you'd both be in for it, and since Miss Lily here is getting off, I suppose no one's caught you—well, besides Sniv—Snape."

James and Lily both gave Sirius very displeased stares. "To quote Queen Victoria, I am not amused." Lily said drily.

Sirius looked puzzled at the reference, but seemed to decide to ignore it. He took a deep breath. "Right. Well. Prongs, you'd better be getting to the headmaster's, now hadn't you? And Miss Lily-flower, you have another class, if you recall."

"Yes, I do, and don't call me that," Lily answered coldly. She wasn't sure what it was about Sirius, exactly, but it could be terribly difficult to get along with him. He was unbelievably funny a lot of the time, yes, but he was also tactless and annoying and altogether too immature. She understood what James and Remus saw in him, and yet . . . she didn't quite see it.

"Even _I _can't call her Lily-flower," James told Sirius. "And yeah, I had better go. See you around?"

Lily and Sirius nodded. James kissed Lily on the cheek and hurried off in the direction of Professor Dumbledore's office. As he went, Sirius called, "Good luck, Prongsie!"

Lily and Sirius made their way in silence to their next class, History of Magic. Lily had no idea why Sirius still took that class, but she'd never asked him about it; some things, in Lily's mind, were better left unexamined, and Sirius Black's course load was one of them.

James missed dinner.

According to all the Marauders, it was the first time in living memory that James Potter had failed to show up at a meal. He'd missed History of Magic, too, but everyone assumed that he was still meeting with Professor Dumbledore and that, when the meeting ended, he figured he'd take the appointment as an excuse to skip what was left of the class. The headmaster, however, was at his usual spot at the staff table for dinner, leaving Lily and the Marauders to wonder about James's whereabouts.

Ten minutes into dinner, it was undeniable that James was not just a bit late but must be choosing to spend his dinner hour doing something other than eating. Remus made his excuses to Mary, Sirius stopped goofing off, and the Marauders left the Great Hall, muttering something about a map. Lily felt obliged to follow them, but she also felt that it wasn't her place. Yes, she was dating James—but she didn't know him like they did. She wouldn't have the faintest idea of where to look for him or what to say to him if something was wrong. It probably wouldn't matter; Lily couldn't really keep herself from thinking that James would be glad to see her no matter how clueless she was about what to do. Nevertheless, she let the Marauders go without asking to join them.

It was hard for Lily to focus on her homework after dinner. The Marauders hadn't returned to dinner with James—unthinkable considering how little the boys had eaten before leaving. What could keep four teenaged boys from a good meal? Lily was seriously worried. The two hours between the end of supper and the beginning of patrols crawled agonizingly by, and then Lily made her way down to the portrait hole, feeling confident in the knowledge that, no matter what had transpired, James would never miss a patrol. Whatever had happened, he'd tell her about it now.

Peter was waiting at the portrait hole when Lily arrived. "Come with me. Prongs needs you," he said simply.

Lily took a few moments to fathom the sentence. "What?"

"You're not going on patrol tonight. Prongs needs you. You need to come with me," Peter reiterated.

"Good Merlin, what happened?" Lily wondered aloud.

"Good Merlin, will you just follow me?" Peter demanded, mimicking Lily's voice sarcastically. Behind the sarcasm, though, lay deeper emotions—pain, fear, and uncertainty seemed to be among them.

Lily took a deep breath. "Yes, all right. I'll follow you."

Peter took Lily up the stairs into the boys' dormitory, which was new territory for Lily. The layout was almost identical to that of the girls' dorms, but everything was a lot messier—even the stairs—and it smelled worse, as if laundry was rarely even an afterthought. At the top of the steps, Peter opened a door and Lily saw something she'd never expected to see.

James was sitting on a bed that Lily presumed was his. This wasn't particularly shocking. The surprise lay in the fact that he was crying—and not just crying, but sobbing deeply, brokenly, horribly. Sirius sat on one side of him and Remus on the other. Both of them were also crying, though much less intensely than James, and both had their arms around their friend.

Lily had eyes only for James. She rushed to him. There was nowhere near him to sit, so she knelt in front of him, took one of his hands in hers, and reached up to caress his face as gently as she could. All of the anger and uncertainty and confusion she'd felt toward him recently disappeared, replaced by an overpowering desire to make him feel better any way that she could. "What happened?"

"My dad—he . . ." James didn't finish the sentence, but he didn't have to. Auror. Hexed on the job. St. Mungo's. No news is good news. Lily knew the situation; it wasn't hard for her to guess the latest development.

"James . . ." Lily had no idea what to say. She just knelt, looking up at the boy she couldn't help loving, trying to dry his tears. "James . . ." She began crying, too, softly, but she barely noticed.

James squeezed Lily's hand so hard that she lost all circulation to her fingers. Drying his tears was a hopeless battle, but she tried anyway—anything to make him feel her presence. Her presence was, after all, the only thing she had to offer. Remus and Sirius seemed similarly at losses. The four of them sat there, crying together, everyone focused on James, for what must have been hours. Peter was probably off somewhere on the sidelines, standing awkwardly, but no one spared a thought for him. There were four people in the world at that moment, and nothing else could even come close to mattering.

After what was probably two or three hours, James tried to get some speech around his sobs. "Pads, Moony, you guys should probably try to get some sleep."

"We don't need to, mate," Sirius responded immediately.

"We'll stay up all night if you want," Remus added.

"Nah, it's . . . don't bother." James sounded more pained than anything else; it was heartbreaking to even listen to him.

"You sure?" Remus asked.

"You know we'd do anything for you," Sirius put in.

"Yeah, I know. Thanks. But you can go to bed now," James said.

"If you're sure," Sirius responded. He stood and Remus followed suit. Both of them stretched, wiped away some of their still-falling tears, and walked stiffly over to their respective trunks. Sirius started to undress in order to change into his pajamas and then asked, "Lily? Are you staying?"

Lily looked into James's eyes. "What do you want me to do?"

"Please don't go," James replied forcefully, reaching down and pulling her up to sit beside him. "Please, _please_ don't go."

Lily wrapped both her arms around James and squeezed as hard as she could, hugging him with all her might. "I'm not going anywhere."

Behind her, Sirius shrugged, undressed, and put on his pajamas, as did Remus.

"James?" Lily whispered, still holding him. "Do you want to stay up or do you want to try to sleep?"

"I don't think I can sleep, but I'm tired," James whispered back. He moved around a bit, still in Lily's grasp, and at the end of the movement, Lily found herself lying in James's bed, next to him. Their arms were still around each other. "You can go to sleep," James whispered.

"I'll stay up if you want," Lily offered.

"I kind of want to be able to think . . . alone. With no one watching me. Can you go to sleep?"

"Yeah, sure."

Lily had certainly never imagined falling asleep in James's arms under these circumstances. But if he needed it, then she wanted to do it. It was really as simple as that.

**A/N: Reviews, favorites, and subscriptions are all lovely. I'll try to update in the next three weeks. **


	18. A Subdued Departure

**Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to J. K. Rowling. I am not J. K. Rowling. It follows logically that Harry Potter is not mine. **

Lily awoke disoriented. _Her_ bed in _her _dorm faced away from the sunrise. The sun was in her eyes—obviously she was not in her own bed. Besides, wherever she was did not smell particularly pleasant, whereas she never noticed her own dorm's smell.

Lily opened her eyes. James was sitting on the edge of the bed.

James. James. Oh, James. Her heart broke for him. Even lying in bed, with a view of only his back, Lily could tell from the movement of James's shoulders that he was crying.

Lily sat up and swung her legs over the side of the bed, scooting over until she was sitting beside James. She wanted to hold him, to do something to take away his pain, but she knew that his grief was far, far too serious to be removed by anything as superficial as physical affection, or by anything else she could do or say. Rather than putting her arms around James, Lily said, very quietly, "Hey."

"Hey," James whispered back. The hollowness in his voice made Lily want to cry.

"Can I do anything for you?" Lily murmured. At that moment there were very, very few things she would not have done to help cheer James up.

James gave a small, pained shake of his head. "I'm going home soon. Mum and I . . . well. We'll . . . I don't know if it'll be better or worse, being with her, but . . . it needs to be that way. The two of us . . . mourning Dad." The sentences were slow and broken.

Lily nodded. "I don't know what to say, James," she admitted helplessly. "Not that it will help at all, but I love you, and I'm so sorry your dad died. I don't want to see you hurt." Lily thought of all the times she herself had hurt James, and she winced and took James's hand.

He squeezed her hand harder than ever before. "I know, Lily." He sat there miserably, but he didn't tell her that it wasn't enough, that she could never do enough to heal him of this particular wound. He didn't need to tell her; the two of them sat together, knowing together that James was hurt beyond true repair. It was a painful silence, but there was a certain peace in it.

After a sea of wordlessness, Remus came over to James's bed. "Prongs, you need to go soon." He opened James's trunk and pulled out a fresh robe. "Here, put this on."

James took the robe morosely, dropped Lily's hand, held the robe up in front of him, gave it a dismal look, and then shifted his gaze to Lily. "Do you mind?"

Lily would have smiled if the situation hadn't been so miserable. "Not in the least." And it was true. Her heart ached for James and there was precious little room in her mind at the moment for frivolous things, but what little room there was allowed her to admit that she had absolutely no objection whatsoever to seeing James in his underwear. He was, after all, undeniably, overpoweringly hot, even now, crying and morose though he was.

James took off the rumpled robe that he had been wearing for about the past 24 hours and put on the fresh robe that Remus had given him. When James had finished changing, Remus gave a wry, heartbroken smile. "Nothing to be done for the hair, as usual," he remarked, showing off the uncanny Marauder ability to make light of absolutely _any_ situation. Then the humor was gone as suddenly as it had come. Remus stepped forward to embrace James. "Oh, Prongs, I'm so sorry."

"I know, Moony," James replied. "I know."

"Do you want me to wake Padfoot?" Remus asked James as the two boys broke apart.

"Nah, he'd say something he'd regret because he'd be half-asleep," James reasoned. "I reckon I know what he'd _want_ to say to me, anyway. Better for me to assume that I know, rather than for him to say something stupid before he really wakes up and then panic when he realizes what he said and thinks that I took him seriously. Tell him I don't mind him oversleeping, all right?"

"Merlin, Prongs, I can't believe you're still thinking straight," Remus remarked in a tone of surprise.

James managed a shrug. "I had time to . . . rage and cry and—well, _not_ think straight and everything—overnight," he replied as casually as he could.

"Oh, James," Lily murmured, standing beside him and taking his hand again. "Seriously, is there anything we can do for you?"

James started to shake his head and then sighed. "As long as you're offering, I suppose . . . one kiss? And then I should go."

James and Lily kissed, briefly. It was a gesture utterly without comfort and was over _very _quickly. But then his arms were around her, and hers around him, and for a minute there was perhaps a shadow of comfort in the embrace. Then James withdrew and he needed to leave.

"Walk me to the gates?" he asked. He had permission—indeed, instructions—to leave the Hogwarts grounds and Apparate home. He was of age; he could Apparate alone, but not within the Hogwarts grounds, where Apparition was impossible even for the most skilled witches and wizards.

"'Course," Remus and Lily said together. The three walked silently, morosely down from the dormitory through the Gryffindor common room, down several staircases, out the doors, and across the grounds to the gates of Hogwarts. The walk seemed much, much longer than usual until it was over, and then it seemed, in retrospect, to have taken no time at all. James was leaving.

"Merlin, Prongs . . ." Remus said as the three tried to say goodbye. "Write if you need anything. Have strength, if you can manage it. See you at the funeral. And I'm _so_ sorry." The boys hugged, long and hard and hopelessly.

Then it was Lily's turn. "I'm so sorry, James. I love you. You can always write—I promise I'll be listening." She felt as if there was little to say that Remus hadn't said, and no words could really help James now. So she shut up as tactfully as she knew how, kissed James on the cheek, and hugged him as hard as she could.

At last, James stepped back, nodded miserably, spun on his heel, and departed.

**A/N: Favorites, reviews, and subscriptions are all lovely! Also, there's another chapter coming within the next hour. I wrote them both but felt that they really worked better separately than together. **


	19. James's Mind

**Disclaimer: I still don't own Harry Potter. Never have, never will.**

**A/N: A warning before you read this. This chapter takes a dark and slightly disturbing twist It's not based on myself, but if you don't want to read that, I'm warning you now, don't read it. **

Lily and Remus exchanged a look, both acutely aware of their utter helplessness. Seemingly reaching a mutual, simultaneous decision, the two stepped forward and hugged. For Lily, it was so different than hugging James, but, in a very different way, it felt good.

Something occurred to Lily. "James's dad—did you know him?"

Remus nodded. "Yeah. He was . . . great. So's James's mum. The Potters—they accepted me even though I'm a werewolf, as soon as they found out about my condition, no questions asked. They practically adopted Sirius about a year and a half ago when Padfoot decided he couldn't stay with his own family anymore. James's dad . . . he was a lot like James—in a good way. Loyal, brave, smart, mischievous—but not immature, really, the way James can be. Well, immature sometimes, I guess—he was really like James, just older and spent his time fighting dark wizards." Remus sighed. "He was a great man."

Lily sighed too. "I wish I'd met him."

Remus gave Lily a very, very faint smile. "You handled this well."

Lily grimaced. "Merlin knows I wasn't prepared for it. I was grasping at straws the whole time."

"Well, you stayed," Remus remarked. "James . . ." He broke off. "Some wounds, of course, aren't quickly healed—aren't ever really healed. But things can still get better or worse—the baseline of normal is just a lot lower. You were in a position to make things better or worse for James, and you made them better. Merlin knows it wasn't enough—but that doesn't mean it was nothing or that it didn't help."

"There wasn't much else to do," Lily shrugged miserably.

"You could have left, at least overnight," Remus countered. "No one would have been able to hold it against you."

"I wouldn't have been able to stand not doing something that might have cheered him up," Lily replied, grimacing inwardly at the double negative.

"Exactly. You handled this well," Remus reiterated. "He's lucky to have you, at least."

Lily scowled. "I wish we could do more for him."

"So do I," Remus agreed emphatically. "And we will, over time. It may or may not be enough, ever, but it'll help."

Lily looked at Remus in wonder and respect. "How do you do this?"

"Do what?" Remus asked, looking legitimately puzzled.

"Cheer everyone up," Lily clarified. "Be so calm and reasonable and . . . know what's right, but also be able to portray things in the most positive—well, not positive, I guess, so much as comforting—way possible."

Remus gave a wry and cheerless smile. "I've had a lot of practice. Largely with myself."

Lily gave Remus the same smile he'd given her. "Merlin, Remus." Sometimes she really couldn't get over how much she admired him. Despite his painful secret identity as a werewolf, Remus still managed to be a great guy—both an outstanding student and a truly amazing friend, not to mention selfless and sympathetic and brilliant. He was so _very _undeserving of his alter ego. "If it's any consolation, you've gotten very good at it. Cheering people up."

Remus looked a bit flattered, though there was also pain in his expression. "Thanks."

There was a somewhat awkward silence. After a few moments of simply standing there, Lily checked her watch. She was rather surprised by the time. "Our first class starts in five minutes," she told Remus.

"Are you going?" Remus asked, sounding a bit incredulous.

"Aren't _you_?" Lily retorted. As far as she knew, Remus had never skipped a class in his entire Hogwarts career.

Remus shrugged. "Everyone will understand if we skip."

"You've never used that as an excuse before," Lily countered. "And what with your . . . condition, it would have worked plenty of times."

"There's a difference between being hurt and being distraught," Remus argued. "Merlin knows I can work through pain—I'm good at it, and it's a good skill to have. Plus, before now, I rarely had to worry about anyone but myself. Occasionally I hurt the other Marauders, and I hated that, but I know better than almost anyone else that Madame Pomfrey is a good nurse. I had reason to believe they'd be all right. Besides, their injuries were physical rather than emotional." He paused. "Merlin. That's what's worrying me. If it were anyone but James . . . !"

Lily looked at Remus quizzically, feeling worry building up in her chest. "What do you mean?"

Remus started off in the direction of the lake, his gait slow and absent-minded. Lily followed him, matching his strides. Now, apparently, was the time to skip class. "James . . . I should have told you this sooner. Well, James should have told you, but I understand why he couldn't. He spent so long wanting a chance with you, wanting it so badly—he'd never endanger his claim on your affections willingly.

"It's . . . Lily, I'm guessing you've noticed this, and I don't want to insult your intelligence by stating the obvious, but whether you've noticed and whether you know are two different things.

"James isn't—hasn't _ever _been, as long as I've known him—entirely stable. He's usually pretty stable, but I think the manifestation in him of so much popularity, talent, intelligence, compassion, leadership ability, bravery, loyalty, and such a strong moral compass has . . . unbalanced him slightly. It's gotten worse over the years as all of his . . . better qualities have grown stronger. He's become a better person, but . . . at a certain cost. It's just been so much pressure, to be so popular but also a good student and a good person, while still using his—well, his creative genius, as it were. He handles it marvelously, most of the time, but once in a while he loses it.

"He blew up a big section of the Forbidden Forest one time in fourth year during a prank gone wrong. Last year he purposely threw himself in front of me while I was transformed, and—well, long story short, he got mauled pretty badly. I—Merlin, I regretted that so much." There was unutterable, self-hating pain in Remus's voice. "There have been a few other times, too, when he's just lost his head," Remus continued in a slightly more normal tone. "The night recently when you and he fought, for example. You saw his hands.

"I think it's these . . . rages, these moments of madness, that enable him to be so normal and carefree the rest of the time. Think about it. Quidditch captain, head boy, lead Marauder, good grades, brilliant pranks, _and _he's often up all night keeping _me_ at bay—how would he handle it otherwise? Besides, with talent and morality comes madness, at least in small quantities, it seems. Just look at Dumbledore.

"Following that line of logic, we Marauders have . . . mostly kept it quiet about James's issues—well, with the obvious exception of me telling you now. Perhaps you'll have the courage and wherewithal to do otherwise, as we never have, of perhaps you'll mellow James. I don't know. It certainly helps that you don't hate him anymore. Your insults—no, I won't worry you with the details. Just, as I told you last week, be gentle with him—please?" Remus looked expectantly at Lily.

Lily, in response, sank to the ground.

Remus sat beside her, a much gentler expression on his face. "Damn, Lily, I'm sorry. I forget sometimes how hard Marauder secrets are to handle. James is fine. Hurt, heartbroken, grieving—but fine. If he were going to kill himself, he would have done it last night. But you stayed, and he lived, so things will improve from here."

Lily looked up hopelessly at Remus. "Might he have killed himself?"

Remus pursed his lips and gave his head a curt shake. "Unlikely. Obviously, he never has before—he's never even come all that close, though there have been times when we've worried . . . anyway—well, he saw how much his father's death hurt him. He wouldn't want to do that to anyone. But—before you came to the dormitory, things were looking a little bleak."

Without a word, Lily turned and began crying into Remus's chest.

Remus put his arm around Lily. If Lily had been in any other mindset, she might have squirmed—after all, she and Remus were each dating the other's best friend. Now, however, she accepted the gesture. It would have been stupid to reject comfort, after all, in such a messed-up world.

**A/N: I know that was depressing. Don't worry about me—James isn't based on me at all. No one in this story is going to commit suicide, but the dark themes are probably going to stay. **

**On a lighter note, I'd love some reviews. What did you think? Too dark? Too weird? Interesting? Please tell me!**


	20. A Misunderstanding

**Disclaimer: I'm still not J. K. Rowling.**

**A/N: Less depressing/disturbing than the last chapter, at least in my opinion.**

"D'you think I can help James?" Lily asked after quite a while of sobbing into Remus's chest. "Can you? Can anyone? What can be done? Anything?"

Remus sighed. "I don't know. I mean, you _do_ help, but I don't know if you can do anything more than you've already done to make him happier, more optimistic, more . . . whole. He's a little bit broken, Lily—and it's certainly not going to make him easy to date or live with or marry, at least once in a while. I think he's worth it—and, having lived with him for six and a half years, I think I can make that argument. He's loyal, funny, kind, gentle, and his heart's in the right place. But he _needs_ some gentleness, too, and he's not always going to be able to take care of you. Sometimes he's going to need you to take care of him, and sometimes he'll say things that worry you. If you stay with him—and you _don't_ have to—you need to be ready for that, be okay with it. If you're not, then you have every right to look for someone else. You don't need to settle for someone who won't make you happy, Lily. As much as it would tear him up, James _could _handle a breakup if you need to find someone else. He wants what's best for you, and he'd have Padfoot and me to make sure he was okay—and Peter, too, I guess. So do what you want. But if you stay with him, you need to be okay with taking care of him once in a while."

Lily took a deep, shaky breath. "I think I can do that."

Remus looked relieved, though it seemed he was trying not to show it. "Do you want to?"

"I want what's best for him. I want to help him. If it entails—well, I'll do what needs to be done," Lily said resolutely.

"Are you saying that because you feel like you need to, to keep James intact, or because you love him and want to be with him, even at a cost?" Remus enquired seriously.

"I love him," Lily asserted, speaking quickly. "He's an amazing guy. For the longest time he wasn't, and it took me time to realize he'd changed, and he still does some things that bother me. But he loves me, and he's learning how to be the sort of person I'd love. He's succeeding—he's sweet and caring and funny and strong and loyal and . . . yes, I love him."

"Thanks," Remus breathed, unable to conceal his great relief.

"Why are _you _thanking me?" Lily asked, confused.

"You're really, really good for him," Remus told her. "Really, really good. I—it's weird for me to say this, but I want him to spend the rest of his life with you."

Lily smiled slightly, a lopsided smile that looked strange on a face still splotchy from crying. "Yeah, that does sound weird, but I get it."

"_What are you doing?_" A shrill voice crudely interrupted Lily and Remus's intimate, emotional conversation.

The werewolf and the Head Girl turned and found themselves looking, in identical horror, at an irate Mary.

"_What the hell is going on here?_" Mary demanded, still shrill and far, far louder than usual. Lily and Remus exchanged a quick, alarmed glance. Mary, like Lily, never swore. This was bad.

Remus sprang to his feet, letting Lily go. It was only at this point that the Head Girl realized how extensively she and her friend had been entwined. "Mary, nothing's going on. Calm down, please," Remus begged, his voice panicked.

"_I'm not listening to this bullshit!_" She turned to the Head Girl._ "You were gone last night, Lily! You're skipping class! You too, Remus! Neither of you does that! How was I NOT supposed to suspect anything? Do you think I'm STUPID?_" Mary yelled. Brandishing her wand, she screamed, "_Affligo!_"

Remus staggered backward as if he had been punched in the stomach, doubling over as he tripped. He wound up falling over backward, sitting heavily (and, it seemed, painfully) on the ground, and panting.

"And _you!_" Mary continued, focusing on Lily now. "_Barbulus!_"

Lily felt an extraordinarily unpleasant pricking sensation all over her face. Red hairs sprouted from her cheeks, chin, and upper lip, growing longer and longer until she had an unsightly, and very shaggy, beard.

"_There!_" Mary screeched at Remus. "Do you like her better than me _now_? Is she really so attractive? So _desirable_? Is _she_ what you're looking for?"

"Mary! Mary! Listen to me!" Remus yelled, still panting from Mary's punching hex. For a second, Mary looked marginally less ferocious. "James's dad died. Lily spent the night with him and then he left this morning and we didn't go to class because we're both worried about James and we needed to talk about it! I was holding her because she was crying and that's _all there is to it_!"

Mary lowered her wand. "Really?" she asked quietly.

Remus picked himself up off of the ground gingerly and took a few tentative steps toward Mary. "Yes, love. That's all. James's dad was in St. Mungo's for months and the treatments just weren't working. He was hexed on the job. He was an Auror. And now he's dead, and James has gone home to be with his mum. He left earlier this morning. Lily stayed the night because he asked her to, and she and I walked him to the gates this morning and saw him off. We didn't wake Sirius; he's always crabby in the mornings and it wouldn't have helped anyone to have him say something horrible and then feel guilty about it later. After James left, Lily and I started back to the castle and then decided to come here to talk instead, and then she started crying. It's been a rough night, darling, and it's been a pretty rough morning so far too. For all of us, you included. It couldn't have been easy to have to wonder about such an insensitive betrayal—your best friend and your boyfriend getting together behind your back. But that's not what happened. Lily and I would never do that to you. She's a good friend, and I love you far too much to ever hurt you in that way." Remus took a few more steps forward, looking anxiously at Mary.

As Remus had been talking, Mary had looked skeptical, though she seemed to be fighting with herself to avoid giving into Remus's persuasive pleas. "You're good at talking me down, Rem," Mary admitted when Remus went quiet. "I'll give you that one." She turned and walked back to the castle, her gait quick and determined.

Remus turned to face Lily for a minute. "If you need me to stay, I can stay. If you're not done crying or something . . ."

Lily shook her head. "Follow her. Good luck."

Remus made no attempt whatsoever to hide his relief this time. "Thanks. See you later. And good luck to you too, with everything." Then he spun around and sprinted after the girl who was hopefully still his girlfriend.

Lily watched the two figures approach Hogwarts castle. The taller figure—Remus—caught up with the shorter one and seemed to attempt to speak to her. The shorter one sped up and entered the castle ahead of her pursuer. Then both were inside and Lily didn't know what was going on anymore.

Lily knew she should head back to the castle soon. But first, she tried to calm herself, using a method she'd devised in first year while waiting to meet up with Severus in some corner of the grounds or another: conjuring flowers.

Rose.

Petunia.

Lily.

Daffodil.

Tulip.

Sunflower . . .

How could so many things go wrong in so little time?

Flowers, Lily. Focus on the flowers.

**A/N: Favorites and reviews are lovely!**


	21. A Wall and Chocolate Ice Cream

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, or his parents, or their friends. **

"Lily?" It was Mary's voice, and she sounded hesitant.

The head girl turned around expressionlessly. "Yeah?"

Mary was eyeing Lily warily. She had all of her weight on one foot and was twirling a piece of hair nervously between her fingers. "I'm sorry." She seemed to hold her breath after saying it, looking down at the floor and then back at Lily again, anxiously awaiting her friend's reaction.

Lily sighed and nodded. "Yeah. I figured. Don't worry about it." She felt bad for Mary—grief, worry, and awkwardness didn't mix well.

Mary looked mildly surprised, but there was no relief in her expression. "Are you sure? I shouldn't have assumed . . ."

Lily nodded again, curtly and dismissively. "It made sense with the information you had. Anyway, I've got enough to worry about right now without rowing with you on top of it."

Mary sat next to Lily on the bed and cautiously put an arm around her. "Right. How are you doing?"

Lily shrugged and managed a weak smile. "I'm all right. I mean—well, I'm fine. Worried about James, though." There was so much she couldn't say, because of what Mary didn't know. Lily was replaying everything Remus had said about James that morning, worrying and wondering what to make of it, trying to piece things together. And she couldn't talk to Mary about it. James's problems weren't Mary's business; Remus had told Lily because she needed to know, but it wasn't her place to tell anyone else. Lily could feel her concern about James rising like an instant wall between herself and Mary.

Nevertheless, Mary was sympathetic, even knowing as little as she did. "Yeah. It's—was it expected?"

Lily shrugged. She sympathized with Mary for wanting information and not knowing how to gauge what to say and what to keep from saying, but, even so, Lily didn't want to talk about it. "Sort of. He'd been in St. Mungo's for months. But there had been hope of saving him."

Mary looked sympathetic and was quiet for a while, probably unsure of what to say.

"I spent the night for the first time," Lily said unenthusiastically, just to break the silence and change the subject.

"In the dormitory?" Mary asked hesitantly, her mind probably on her accusations from earlier that day.

"Yeah," Lily replied. "I don't think James ever fell asleep, and neither of us was anywhere close to being in the mood for—anything, so it's not like we slept together. We were just there together, overnight. It was all right, I guess. It might have been nice if we hadn't been there for all the wrong reasons." Lily sounded dismal, even to her own ears.

There was a long silence. "Lily?" Mary asked after a while.

"Yeah?" Lily managed.

"Do you want to be alone, or do you want me to stay?"

Lily smiled very weakly. "I'm horrible company right now, aren't I?" She tried to make her smile a little more reassuring, for Mary's sake. "I'm all right. If you want to leave, feel free. I'm probably not going to talk much, even if you stay."

Mary pursed her lips. "That doesn't actually answer my question. What to you _want _me to do?"

Lily shrugged. "I guess I'd rather be alone—no offense or anything."

Mary gave Lily a quick hug. "None taken. I'll be in the common room if you change your mind, okay?"

"Thanks."

And then Lily was alone in the girls' dormitory again. For a few minutes, it felt good to be by herself—she didn't have to worry about offending anyone or making anyone worried about her, and she didn't have to come up with anything to say if she didn't feel like it. But she quickly realized that her issue wasn't so much that she wanted to be alone as that she wanted to talk about James, and she couldn't do that with Mary.

Now was probably not the best time to try to have a private conversation with Remus, considering what had happened earlier. Mary obviously had given up her suspicions, but, even so, it would probably be best for Lily and Remus to keep a bit of a distance from one another for a while, to ensure that no one had any reason to doubt their status as "just friends."

With that in mind, Lily decided to see if she could find Sirius.

She stuck her head cautiously into the common room and looked around. She didn't spot Sirius. For a moment, she drew back into the shadows of the girls' staircase wondered where to find him; after all, he could be in the Great Hall, in an abandoned classroom, in the kitchens, in his dormitory—anywhere, really. Then she decided to try his dormitory, figuring that, even if he wasn't there, Remus or Peter might be able to tell her where he was, or she could just talk to them.

Lily slipped over to the boys' staircase and crept up the steps to the room she remembered having come to just the previous night. Quietly, she opened the door just a crack and peered inside.

In the dim light of the room—the lights were off and the only illumination came through the windows—Lily could see that Frank Longbottom and Alice Prewett were making out on a bed that she vaguely remembered as having been empty the previous night. Neither seemed to be wearing all that much clothing. Lily closed the door quickly and leaned against it.

Where would the Marauders be if they were upset and either dwelling on it or trying to forget about it?

Lily decided to try the kitchens, since Sirius, at least, was famous for his appetite. She'd never been to the kitchens before this year—after all, students weren't exactly supposed to go down there—but James had shown her where they were one night when he'd caught her shivering violently on patrol and had insisted on getting her a mug of hot chocolate. She was pretty sure she remembered how to get to the kitchens; after all, she was pretty well acquainted with Hogwarts after having been a student there for seven years.

Still, the lower floors were harder to maneuver than the upper ones, since all classes except for Potions were held upstairs. If Lily hadn't become so familiar with the basement in the days when she and Severus waited in the shadows outside each other's common rooms, she never would have been able to navigate the dank, twisting corridors and find the kitchens.

At last, Lily had reached the kitchens and tickled the proper pear on the painting, and a tiny female house-elf in a crisp uniform was bowing her into the room.

As she had suspected and hoped, the Marauders minus James were sitting at a table. Lily nearly laughed when she saw that they were attacking an unbelievably enormous bowl—bathtub, more accurately—of chocolate ice cream.

"Hey," she said, sliding into a chair next to Sirius. "Thought I might find you guys here."

Peter muttered something that might have been "bathroom" and might have been "transfiguration"—it was _very_ indistinct—and took his leave, scurrying out the door as if he were afraid to stay.

"Take a spoon, Lily," Sirius offered, handing the girl the advised utensil. "Have some ice cream."

Lily shrugged and scooped herself a heaping spoonful of the treat. It tasted wonderful, like happiness and comfort and a time when things were better. She couldn't keep a grin off her face, just for a second. "Thanks."

Remus looked warily over the tub of ice cream at Lily. "Did Mary talk to you?"

Lily sighed, holding her second spoonful of ice cream a few inches from her mouth. "Yeah. And with you? How was it? How are you?"

Remus sighed too, looked at the ice cream on his spoon, and then put it in his mouth. After swallowing, he made a face at Lily. "It took . . . time, and time, and a lot of persuasion, and more time, to convince her nothing was going on. I had to get Padfoot to verify that James's dad actually died and you'd stayed overnight because of that and everything. It was . . . not pleasant, and she was—so damn _unkind_ about all of it! I'd never seen her like that before. She's normally so . . . understanding, so patient, so—so _good_ about everything! I mean, when she found out I was a werewolf—I thought, if anything would bring out the worst in her, that would. But it didn't, so I thought that there wasn't a bad side to her. And then, today . . . and now is_ not_ the time to have more impressions shattered, more—more people to hurt me, and less support. And it's not the time to lose faith in her! But—but really . . ."

Lily was taken aback and full of sympathy and trepidation. "Remus . . . ouch. Ouch."

Remus gave a dismissive nod. "She was apologetic after everything got sorted out. And it's hard to stay mad at her. But doesn't she trust me? Why shouldn't she? And couldn't she have just heard me out? Why was she so _mean_ about it?"

"She was suspicious," Lily said, as gently as she could. "She shouldn't have been—she should have trusted us—but her fears made sense, and, in the context of me having been gone overnight, it sort of made sense for her to accuse us of an affair. Not really, but sort of. Are you—do you want to—how upset are you over this?"

"I just—I didn't think she was like that." Remus took an enormous spoonful of ice cream and forced it all into his mouth. It was a while before he swallowed. "I don't know. I'll sleep on it, I guess. If I _can_ sleep."

Lily nodded and decided not to pursue the subject, since she didn't know what to say or whose side to take. "Yeah." For a minute, the three of them ate ice cream in silence. Then Lily turned to Sirius and said, "Remus told me about James's . . . instability."

"Za's why yuh he-uh?" Sirius asked with his mouth full.

Lily frowned at his horrible manners. "Yes." She took another bite of ice cream and added, "I can't stop thinking about it. Mary came in to talk to me, and it was kind of hard to have a conversation with her when I was thinking so much about—you know?"

Sirius and Remus exchanged a look. "We have felt that way _so_ many times, " Sirius said, and Lily noticed that he actually wasn't joking at all, for once.

"That's kind of why Longbottom's not a Marauder," Remus added. "He's a great guy, but he just don't have the capacity to be seriously worried for long periods of time. So he isn't. So he doesn't know the stuff we know. So it gets hard to talk to him. So he's not a Marauder. I mean, there's other stuff too—he's not a criminal mastermind, or a practical joker, or completely servile toward James and Sirius—but, honestly, a lot of what knits the Marauders together is the serious stuff. Me being a werewolf. James being unstable. Stuff like that. And Longbottom doesn't know any of it."

"D'you think James will be okay?" Lily asked Sirius. She's already had this conversation with Remus, but she needed to be reassured by someone else. Two opinions would be better than one, somehow.

"Yeah," Sirius answered immediately, his mouth conspicuously clear of ice cream this time. "I do. Especially if he's with his mum. I've spent a lot of time around the Potter house—all of this past summer—and they're a really great family, and really close, and they'd do just about anything for each other. That includes living; it includes staying intact. James is going to be all right as long as he's at home, for his mum's sake if nothing else. And once he gets back here—whenever that is, if it's a week from now or a month or whenever—he's going to have us. That'll be harder; he's always better off at home than he is here. But, especially if you're helping, Lily, he'll be fine."

"You really think so?" Lily asked anxiously.

Sirius gave her a very chocolaty smile. "Yeah. I do."

**A/N: Please review! I want to know what you guys think!**


	22. The Funeral

**Disclaimer: Once again, I don't own Harry Potter. **

Three days dragged by between James's leaving and the funeral. Lily spent a lot of time with Remus and Sirius; it was so hard to make conversation with Mary when all she could think about was James. Remus, for his part, didn't break up with Mary, but the relationship didn't seem to be going particularly well, either. It wasn't that they were fighting; it was mostly just that Remus was avoiding Mary when possible, and, when talking to her was unavoidable, he seemed incredibly stiff.

Then came the day of the funeral. The Marauders and Lily were the only Hogwarts students who were invited, so they all left the school grounds that Friday morning and Apparated to James's house. All of the Marauders had been there before—indeed, Sirius had even lived there the previous summer—so the place was new only to Lily. She looked up at it, almost forgetting to be sad for a minute in her awe at the size of the place. She had known for a very long time that James's family had money, but never had she envisioned a mansion like this. It was enormous, three stories tall and very expansive, with a tower in one corner.

She quickly came back down to Earth, however, when she, Sirius, Remus, and Peter entered the house. "Prongs, we're here!" Sirius called comfortably as they entered. It was clear he was completely at home.

A pale, disheveled James came thundering down the stairs. He went first to Sirius, hugging him hard for much longer than Lily had ever seen two boys hug before. Then that was over and James went to Remus, who also hugged him long and hard. The hug with Peter was quicker but still close. Then James reached Lily. The hug was uncomplicated and not at all passionate in the usual sense of the word, but it was long and close and seemed to embody something deeper and more real than any kiss ever had. For several minutes, James and Lily stood there in each other's arms, and it was a mark of the seriousness of the situation that even Sirius didn't clear his throat or make any comments about it.

Finally, James stepped out of Lily's grasp and said huskily, "Thanks for coming, guys."

The newly widowed Mrs. Potter joined the group soon enough and gave everyone tasks to do—the house needed to be cleaned, and, even with magic, that wasn't a quick job in a mansion of this size. Lily swept, Sirius carried things, Peter scrubbed, James dusted and beat rugs, and Remus and Mrs. Potter cooked. All morning, everyone was engaged in chores.

The funeral was at one in the afternoon, so at 11:30, the house was deemed clean enough to stop cleaning it, and everyone ate lunch. Then it was time to change. Here was an issue; Lily didn't have a black dress, or indeed any black clothes except for her usual school robes. Most of her nice clothes were some shade of green, to match her eyes.

Lily asked Remus for directions to James's room and knocked on the door when she thought she was in the right place. She knocked again, and then knocked some more, and was about to leave when the door behind her opened. "Looking for something?" James asked, and there was just a trace of his old smirk on his face.

"You, actually," Lily answered. She was holding one of her several green dresses. "See, I don't have any black clothes except my school robes. I was wondering if you could transfigure this? You know, since you're so good at transfiguration."

James looked at her in surprise. "You trust _me_ to decide what you wear?"

Lily nodded. "Yeah, I do. I trust you with a lot of stuff, James."

James stepped closer to her, "Thanks, Lily. Thanks." He kissed her lightly, somewhat quickly and still without passion. Still, it felt more like normal than anything had between them since James found out his father had died. Then he stepped back, took the dress from her, took his wand from his pocket, and muttered several incantations. When he was finished, the dress was black, and perhaps just very slightly more flattering than it had been before James had touched it. Very slightly.

"Thanks." Lily took the dress back. "Well, I suppose I should go change . . ." She'd been instructed to change in the room that had apparently belonged to James's father's sister when she was a girl. Presumably, the logic was that it was more proper for Lily to change in a girl's room than a random closet or, heaven forbid, a guy's room. The problem was that Lily had completely forgotten the location of James's aunt's room.

James, perhaps guessing this or perhaps just thinking practically, caught Lily's arm and said, "You don't have to go find Aunt Bertha's room to change. You can change in my room if you want." Seeing Lily's expression, he quickly added, "I'll wait outside, of course. I wasn't suggesting—"

Lily cut him off. "Okay. I'll be right out." She entered James's room and shut the door. After a second, she realized that this was _James's room_—the place where he stayed when he wasn't at Hogwarts. It was quite obvious that it belonged to James, or at least someone very like him; the walls were covered in Quidditch posters and Gryffindor hangings; there was a shelf full of Quidditch trophies on the wall, and the bookshelf—Lily was impressed. The bookshelf contained a lot of picture books from when James was a child, and a bunch of Quidditch-related books, but there were also a lot of books like _The Rise of Grindlewald: How to Use Knowledge of the Past to Prevent Future Tragedies_, _Wizards and Muggles: Why We Can Coexist_, and _Defeat Dark Forces Now: A Guide to Self-Defense and Doing Good._

Lily remembered that she was supposed to be changing and hurriedly stripped off her school robes and stepped into her dress. There wasn't a mirror in the room, so Lily just ran her fingers through her hair and then stepped out into the hallway.

"You look lovely," James told her as soon as he saw her.

"Thanks. So do you." It was true. Lily hadn't quite noticed this before, but James was in black dress robes that looked somehow much more formal and grown-up—in a sophisticated, rather than a stuffy, way—and he looked amazing. His hair was more under-control than usual, and, though Lily had started to find the messiness rather endearing, now he looked mature in a way that he hadn't before.

"Thanks. I think it's time to, you know, get going," he said awkwardly. Perhaps is wasn't awkwardness that made him sound strange so much as grief; after all, he was on his way to his father's funeral.

"Good idea." Lily took James's hand and the two walked down the hall, down the stairs, and through several more hallways before arriving at the front entrance of his house. James's mother was already there, as was Remus; within two more minutes, Sirius and Peter arrived as well. The six of them Apparated to the church where the funeral would be held. James and his mother were soon busy receiving guests—relatives, friends of James's parents from work, and the like. Sirius, Remus, Peter, and Lily, meanwhile, took a seat in a pew and sat, waiting for the funeral to start.

"James seems to be doing pretty well," Lily whispered to Sirius and Remus after a few minutes of sitting in an uncomfortable silence and listening to the very quiet babble of other funeral guests arriving.

"Yeah, I think so too," Remus replied. "He's completely intact physically, and he seemed to be functioning pretty well."

"I really think it has to do with being with his family," Sirius said. "He wouldn't do something that would upset his mother. Not now. Probably not even if he thought he could hide it."

"So you don't think he'll be okay when he gets back to Hogwarts?" Lily asked anxiously.

Sirius shrugged. "He'll have us. We'll do our best. And you do him a world of good—I think you seriously underestimate yourself. It'll work out."

"It always has before, and now we have you," Remus added.

"But was there ever a problem this big before?" Lily countered. She wouldn't have been playing devil's advocate if she weren't so worried.

"Worrying isn't going to help anything, Lily," Remus said wearily. "If you think things will go wrong, then things will go wrong. Keep up hope, will you?"

Lily felt quite chastised and replied, "Yes, Remus."

Sirius half-chuckled at that. "Moony's getting all authoritative now, isn't he?"

"Shut up, Padfoot," Remus snapped. "You know I'm right."

The service started. For all that it was in a church, it was rather secular; there weren't many hymns sung or anything. Several people talked about what a great man James's father had been, for the most part. James was sitting with his mother and his grandparents, so the other Marauders and Lily were rather on their own, surrounded by people they didn't know.

After the service, much of James's family Apparated to the Potters' house, which looked very clean and even more impressive than it had when Lily, Sirius, Remus, and Peter had arrived that morning. Mrs. Potter and James served the food that Remus and Mrs. Potter had cooked that morning. Eventually, Sirius, Lily, Peter, and Remus started feeling awkward just standing in a corner talking to one another, and they asked to help with the food too. Mrs. Potter seemed rather relieved to get a chance to talk with her family, so she left Remus in charge of everything, took off the apron she'd been wearing, and joined the crowd in the Potters' ballroom.

Alone in the kitchen, James took the opportunity to hug his friends again. He'd been crying during the funeral service; afterward, he'd cleaned himself up, but now he broke down again for a while, sitting on an orange crate in the kitchen, and his friends tried to comfort him. There wasn't much to be done, though; grief would come and go, whatever anyone said or did. After perhaps half an hour, the crying stopped, and James cleaned himself up once again; luckily, the kitchen had a large supply of towels.

At ten that night, everyone finally left, leaving Lily, Mrs. Potter, and the Marauders to clean up. By 10:30, everyone was emotionally and physically exhausted enough to want nothing more than to get ready for bed—even Sirius, who was known for his raucous late nights and prided himself in _never_ going to bed before midnight.

"Lily?" James whispered as the little group was dispersing for the night.

"Yes, James?"

"Would you . . . ahem, um . . . might you possibly . . . could you maybe spend the night in my room?" he asked awkwardly. He cringed back as soon as he said it as if afraid of Lily's reaction.

Lily gave him her warmest smile, wishing she could put him at ease once and for all. She loved him too much to want him to be scared of her. "Of course, James. By the way, I love you."

James pulled her close, hugging her and burying his face in her hair. She could feel his tears gliding from his cheek to hers. "Thanks," he managed. "Thanks."

**A/N: What do you think? Please review!**


	23. Waking up Together

**Disclaimer: I'm not J. K. Rowling. Hence, this isn't mine. **

**Author's note: I know it's been a while. Sorry about that. There probably won't be another update until AP tests are done on May 18****th****. I hope you can wait that long. Thanks to those of you who have stuck with me from the beginning.**

"Good morning, James," Lily whispered as soon as she woke up and remembered where she was. The bed was warm and James's arms were around her, and she was about as comfortable as she'd ever been in her life. She was so close to James—through layers of fabric, the two of them were touching at practically every possible point—largely because the bed was meant for only one person, and the only way to fit two was to lie against one another. It felt heavenly.

"Shut up. It's not a good morning. It's never _going_ to be a good morning," James replied harshly. He didn't withdraw from her—there wasn't room for that—but he stiffened noticeably, and Lily became much less comfortable as his Quidditch-hardened muscles tensed.

Lily lowered her eyes, which had been staring straight ahead at James's face, and looked down at his collarbone instead. "Right. Sorry," she breathed, nervous of his reaction.

James relaxed again, his arms becoming soft and comfortable around Lily once more. "No. I'm sorry. It's not your fault. None of it is. I just—it's—hard . . ."

Lily moved one of her arms up and stroked James's face as lightly as she could. She didn't know what was irksome to James right now and what was comforting, but she figured it would be hard to object to a gesture so small and non-passionate. "Don't apologize. Please. It's perfectly understandable; you have every right to snap at me. You're sad, I was tactless—you have nothing to be sorry for. And—I don't know what it's like; I can't even try to imagine—but I do appreciate that it's hard. Of course it is. Can I do anything for you?"

James started crying. It was soft crying this time, probably the quietest Lily had ever heard, but tear after tear trickled down James's face and onto the pillow, through the narrow gap between his face and Lily's.

"James . . ." Lily was at such a loss for what to say. She had no idea what she was doing. She did the only thing that made sense, propping herself up on one elbow and moving forward slightly so that she could kiss James's forehead. A few light kisses later, she lowered herself back down to the mattress, lying again next to James, and asked, "Do you want anything?"

"Merlin, Lily . . . I'm sorry—I . . . Merlin, it's just . . ." James rambled, sounding clueless. "Lily, d'you think you could just lie here for a while? Just stay still and not do anything? I'm sorry; I know that sounds weird, but—"

Lily put a finger to James's lips. "Of course. Whatever you want." Her heart broke every second she looked at him; he was usually so strong, so playful, so not serious at all. It was desperately sad to see him like this, reduced to tears and stutters and grief. She wanted so much to do anything she could for him.

"Thanks," James whispered. For several minutes, neither of them said anything; they just lay there together, breathing in tandem and trying not to break the tragically beautiful silence stretching like a strand of spider's silk between them.

Finally, James stopped crying and whispered, "Thanks. I needed that."

"You're welcome. I love you," Lily replied simply. She didn't know if this would make James cry again, or if it would make him happy, or if it would have no effect whatsoever, but she had to try something, and she though perhaps James would enjoy hearing again that she loved him.

James's arms suddenly tightened around her. "Thanks, Lily," he whispered into her ear as he drew her even closer to him than she had been previously. "I love you, too."

James loosened his grip on Lily after about a minute of holding her closely. He sighed and said, "We should probably get up now. My mum might come to wake me up if we stay here much longer, and I'd rather not be found . . . you know . . ."

"All right," Lily agreed. She kissed James on the forehead again and then straightened up and got out of bed.

"Merlin, Lily, I'd forgotten how good you look," James commented as Lily stretched.

Lily giggled. "You think so?" For her part, she was sure she had _horrible_ bed-head.

"I've thought so since the moment you stepped into my compartment on the train to Hogwarts on our way to school for the very first time when we were eleven. You're beautiful," James told her, getting out of bed himself. Then he sat down on the bed abruptly. "Dad was alive then," he whispered. "He and Mum dropped me off at the Hogwarts Express and he told me to be a Gryffindor, like he and Mum had been. He said maybe someday I'd meet a pretty Gryffindor girl, same as he had. And I laughed and told him it wouldn't happen." James sighed heavily. "I shoved him away when he tried to hug me goodbye, that day."

Lily sat next to James on the bed and took his hand wordlessly.

"Sorry," James whispered. "It's not your problem."

"James!" Lily responded forcefully. "Don't you _dare _apologize!" She felt bad for sounding angry, but she needed him to stop apologizing. How could she make him understand that there was nothing wrong with grieving?

James bowed his head. "Sorry," he whispered.

"There you go again!" Lily scolded.

James started crying again. "I'm sorry, Lily . . . I just don't know what else to—"

Lily felt horrible. Clearly she had miscalculated. She wiped away some of James's tears and whispered, "No, James, _I'm_ sorry. I'm not angry with you. Not at all. I just want you to understand that you have nothing to be sorry for. I thought maybe you'd listen more if I yelled. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I love you." She let go of his hand and hugged him close, wishing she could take away all his pain. Especially the parts she'd caused herself. Merlin, she was an idiot. She'd made him cry! How could she have done that? She should be taking care of him, not hurting him!

"I love you, too, Lily," James whispered into his girlfriend's hair.

"Can I do anything for you?" Lily asked. She felt like a broken record, but she had no idea of what to do, and she had lost all faith in her own ability to come up with anything. Obviously, left to her own devices, she only made things worse.

"Maybe in a while," James replied. "Right now, we should get ourselves dressed and try to avoid causing a scandal. All right?"

"Of course," Lily replied. "Tell me if you need anything, all right?

"Thanks, Lily," James replied.

**A/N: Again, this is my last update in a while. Sorry, but I need to focus on the AP tests. Anyway, I'd like to know what you think; please review! Have I spent **_**way**_** too much time dwelling on James's dad's death? Do you have an idea for what should happen next? Please review!**


	24. An Anticlimactic Breakup

**Disclaimer: It's all J. K. Rowling's. Every last sugar quill and owl dropping.**

**A/N: So, as I warned you, I went a while without posting. The AP tests are done now (thank heavens), so I should probably be able to update at least once more between now and finals. We'll see. I hope you'll keep reading anyway. **

"Mary, we should talk," Remus whispered as the two of them were leaving Transfiguration. Lily and the Marauders (sans James) had returned to Hogwarts a few days prior, having come back rather soon after the funeral to spare the Potters the burden of entertaining while they grieved. Mary and Remus had been studiously avoiding each other ever since, eating at different times with different groups of people, not making eye contact in the halls, and pretending to be busy when they caught sight of each other.

Lily was sick of it. The night before, she'd had a long conversation with Remus about how he felt about his relationship with Mary. He had said he didn't see the point in continuing it—for approximately the same reasons Frank Longbottom could not be a Marauder, Mary could not be the girlfriend Remus wanted. Lily's response had been that, if his heart wasn't in the relationship, then the rest of him shouldn't be, either. Remus couldn't argue with the logic, and he'd agreed that breaking up with Mary was probably the best course of action he could take. He'd seemed rather relieved to have an excuse to end the relationship.

Now, as Remus proposed a conversation, Mary nodded and breathed, "Yeah, we should," in reply.

The two walked in silence through winding hallways until they reached one that was completely deserted. At the same time, they both stopped walking and turned to face each other.

Remus cleared his throat. "So."

Mary shrugged and gave a cheerless half-smile. "I think I know what this is going to be," she said, "so I'm not going to actually make you say it. I mean, what we're doing now is basically just making something official, something that's been going on for about a week. We're not talking; we're not getting along. It doesn't make sense for us to be together."

Remus looked at Mary quizzically. "Um, thanks. That was pretty much what I was going to say. Except I was going to cushion it for you."

Mary shrugged again. "What's the point? Being with you isn't what I thought it was going to be anymore. Being with me probably isn't what you thought it was going to be anymore, either. So why in Merlin's name would we stay together? Neither of us is enjoying it and we haven't _really_ been a couple for at least a week."

"To put it bluntly, yes," Remus agreed. "I mean, it was nice at the beginning—"

"I know it was. It really was," Mary broke in, nodding. "But it's not like it used to be."

"Thank you, but _you've made yourself clear_," Remus replied harshly. He cringed at how angry he'd sounded.

Mary slouched a bit and looked at the floor. "Yeah, I guess I have." She straightened up a bit and said, "So, see you around, yeah?"

Remus sighed. "Yeah."

Mary left, and Remus sat alone in the hallway, elbows on knees, head in hands, thinking. After maybe an hour, he heard someone sitting down beside him. He looked up to see Sirius.

"Hey, mate," Sirius said softly. "How're you doing? How did it go? What exactly happened? Lily gave me the basics—it wasn't like I couldn't tell it was coming, anyway—but what happened?"

Remus stared at the wall in front of him. "It was really weird. There's not really another way to describe it. I'd been planning on breaking up with her, and I was going to try and do it gently, but then we got here and before I could say anything she told me she could tell what was coming and she agreed and I didn't have to say it."

"That sounds like a relief," Sirius commented.

"Yeah . . . I don't know. It wasn't, really. She just wouldn't shut up—I guess that was the problem. She started talking about how it wasn't working out and stuff and she just wouldn't _stop_."

Sirius frowned. "Oh."

Remus shrugged. "Yeah."

"So how are you?"

"Gloomy, I guess," Remus replied. "I don't know. It's not like I'm cut up over the breakup or anything. I'm not happy about it, but—I guess I'm more annoyed and rattled by Mary's behavior than actually sad. And then there's the fact that the relationship's been going downhill and, again, I'm not really sad, but it's still not _fun._ And then there's James. And the full moon's in two days. Damn it! We've never had a full moon here without James before, have we?"

"Peter and I will be fine," Sirius replied, answering Remus's last remark first. "Don't worry about it. You've got plenty on your mind already."

"Yeah, I suppose so. You guys don't have to come to the Shack when I transform, if you don't want to," Remus offered.

"We're coming," Sirius said simply. "Don't argue with that." There was a pause. "Are you doing all right?" he asked after a while.

"Yeah," Remus answered. "I did all the falling-out-of-love stuff a while ago, so breaking up wasn't that bad."

Sirius nodded. "In that case, I should probably get to Quidditch. I'm captain while Prongs is gone. It's more work than I thought. I don't really know how dear Prongsie does it all. I mean, he's head boy and everything!"

Remus nodded unenthusiastically and stood, stretching. His rear was quite glad to not be sitting on the stone floor any longer. "Yeah. Go ahead. I should get back to the common room. Homework waits for no man, right?"

Sirius smiled grimly. "Ah, Moony, always the academic. If you need to take tonight off, I could try and get your homework done for you. I found this handwriting-changing charm, so no one would even know what we did."

Remus made a face. "Thanks, Padfoot, but I think I'll pass. I need to stay on top of the material, especially this close to the full moon. And, y'know, I'd like to get the answers _right_."

Sirius pretended to be offended, jerking backward and clutching his chest with a look of horror on his face. "You don't trust me to get the right answers, Moony? How could you?"

"By living with you for six and a half years, you prat, that's how," Remus retorted. "Now didn't you have Quidditch practice to go captain?"

"Right," Sirius replied. A quick look at his watch revealed to him just how late he was. He turned and started running down the corridor, robe billowing out behind him as his big feet pounded across the stone floor. "Talk to you later, Moony!" he yelled without looking back.

Remus chuckled to himself and made his way back to Gryffindor tower, finding that he was in a much better mood than he'd been in a few minutes before. There were certainly benefits to having Sirius as a friend.

Meanwhile, in the girls' dorm, Lily was trying to talk to Mary. When Mary had gotten back from her conversation with Remus, Lily had been sitting on her bed, unconcernedly writing an essay. She'd actually been listening very carefully for footsteps on the stairs that led to the girls' dorms, but she didn't want to look like she'd been waiting for anything, so Mary saw Lily acting very casual and doing nothing of more consequence than Transfiguration homework.

Mary sat down on Lily's bed next to the head girl. "Hey."

Lily looked up, quill in hand. "Hey. What's up?"

"Remus and I just broke up," Mary said quietly. She didn't look sad, exactly, but her expression definitely wasn't happy either.

"Oh," Lily replied, not sure whether she should pretend to be surprised. "How do you feel about it?"

Mary shrugged. "Fine. Sad, I guess. Well, not sad. I don't know. I'm not cut up about it. I mean, everyone knew it was coming. It's just, at one point, we had a good relationship, and it's a shame that couldn't have continued. You know? I'm not still in love with him or anything, and it definitely doesn't seem like he's still in love with me—but it would have been nice if we could have remained the couple we were a month ago."

Lily nodded. "Yeah. That makes sense." She paused. "Who broke up with whom?"

Mary frowned. "Funny how that worked out," she said, but she didn't sound at all amused. "I don't really know, actually. Both, I guess. He started it—he was the one who said that we needed to talk—but then he seemed uncomfortable saying that we should break up, so I said it instead."

Lily sighed. "Well, at least it's mutual."

"Yeah. And he didn't seem cut up either. So I guess it's a mutually anticlimactic breakup." She shrugged. "And that's that, I suppose." She frowned like she was searching for something to say.

Lily decided there really wasn't much else to be said. "If you don't feel like talking about it, I suppose I should probably get back to my Transfiguration essay. I'd forgotten how hard Transfiguration homework is without James around to help me."

"You'll be fine. You're the great Lily Evans. But sure, by all means, get back to what you were doing. I'm all right, and there's nothing really to say about it anyway," Mary commented.

Lily nodded and picked up her quill. She didn't remember having set it down, but apparently she had, because it was lying on her parchment. Mary got off of Lily's bed, moved to her own, and took out her History of Magic textbook. Lily dipped her quill in her inkwell and tried to continue her essay. She found it hard to focus. It bothered her that a relationship like Mary and Remus's, which had once seemed to stable and wholehearted, could dissolve without anyone having any strong emotions. She knew that tempers had been running higher a week ago, during their fighting, but it still seemed odd that Remus, who had been so crazy about Mary for two whole years, seemed basically unconcerned that he had fallen out of love with her, and that Mary, who at the very least had loved Remus's attention, was unaffected by the dissolution of the relationship as well.

Lily supposed it was better this way, with neither party hurt by the breakup. She was quite sure that, if she ever broke up with James, it would be considerably messier. It was good, then, that she had absolutely no interest in breaking up with James. But then, a few weeks ago, she would have said that Remus had absolutely no interest in breaking up with Mary. Perhaps everything was less constant than she had thought.

She hoped not, but it was very hard to tell.

**A/N: What do you think? Has the story been way too gloomy lately? I'll try to write a happier chapter soon. Anyway, please review! Tell me what you think (especially if you have ideas about what should happen next)!**


	25. Apologetically Unhappy

**Disclaimer: Harry Potter isn't mine. Neither are these people.**

**A/N: So much writer's block. I think maybe I have some concept of where I'm going with this, but I kind of ran out of ideas for a while there, and I really don't have a long term plan. Please bear with me. Or give me suggestions! Reviews can be really helpful. (Thanks, Naina.)**

James got back to Hogwarts early in the morning on the day of the full moon, arriving in the boys' dormitory just as Remus was getting up.

"Prongs, you didn't have to come back just for the full moon," Remus scolded. He looked rather ticked off, actually, standing there with his arms folded across his chest and staring at James intensely.

James ran a hand through his perpetually messy hair. "It wasn't just the full moon, Moony. I'm missing a lot, not being here, and I've been a genuine jerk to Lily, and I need to make it up to her, and—I needed to get away from my mum, quite honestly. The whole house is sodding _depressing_, Moony; I had to get out. So it's the full moon. Maybe that made me come back a couple days earlier. Whatever. I was coming back soon anyway. And Marauders don't leave people hanging, and I can't lose my identity as a Marauder. I've lost enough lately already."

Remus stepped forward suddenly and embraced his friend. "Prongs, Prongs . . ." he breathed, trying not to let on just how scared he was for James. "Prongs, calm down. Please. Just take a deep breath. Calm down." Remus stepped back, holding on to James's shoulders and looking him in the eye. "No one holds anything against you."

James backed out of Remus's grip, though he seemed apologetic about it. "If you say so," he muttered.

Remus took a leaf out of James's book and ran a hand through his own hair. "Look, Prongs, please find Lily. I have a feeling you don't feel like listening to me, so _please _find Lily. If you need someone to talk to later, I'll be available, of course, but please go talk to Lily right now."

James looked even more upset than he had before. "You're getting rid of me."

Remus closed his eyes for a minute and sighed. "Damn it, Prongs, I didn't mean it like that. Do you want to stay? If you'd rather talk to me, I'll stay. Of course! Merlin, Prongs, did I really just make you doubt that? Oh Merlin, I'm so sorry. Marauders don't leave people hanging. Damn it!"

"Sorry, Moony," James whispered, squeezing his eyes shut tight and making fists so that his nails dug into the palms of his hands.

Remus looked at James in something resembling alarm. He could tell from experience that James was hurting himself—yes, his arms were shaking from making such tight fists. Depending on the current length of James's nails, he could break the skin on his palms soon. It had happened plenty of times before, but Remus was better at realizing what was going on now. He made quick work of the couple of feet between the two of them, grabbed James, and maneuvered him as gently as possible onto the nearest bed—Remus's. Then Remus sat down on James's left and took James's left hand, trying to open James's fist. For a moment, James resisted, but then he relaxed both of his hands, revealing red (but not bloody) nail marks on each palm.

"Would you rather talk to Lily, or me, or both of us, or neither of us, or someone else? What do you want to do?" Remus asked as gently as he could.

"Are you sure Lily's not mad at me?" James asked, rather than really answering the question.

Remus smiled weakly. "Quite sure. She's missed you like crazy—but she doesn't hold it against you that you've been at home. What she wants is for you to be okay. She'd love to help, if she can, if you'll let her. But she's not at all mad at you."

James stared at his knees. "I don't deserve her."

Remus didn't want to have this discussion, but it didn't seem like he had a choice, so he said, "Of course you do. You've been so patient with her—you waited for her for four years, Prongs! You're _so_ dedicated to her, _so_ devoted to her—of _course_ you deserve her."

James shook his head morosely. "No. And she'll break up with me and forget about me and—"

"Prongs," Remus broke in sternly, "it's not going to happen like that. She loves you." He allowed his expression to soften and added, "Would you like to talk to her?"

James sighed and nodded, still looking at his knees in a rather dejected manner.

As the two boys stood, Remus put a hand on James's shoulder and said, "Remember, Prongs—you're very loved. By Lily, by Sirius, by Peter, by me, by your mother—please, Prongs, remember that."

James nodded again, still entirely morose.

Luckily for the boys, Lily was in the common room, which was fortunate because getting into the girls' dormitory, while certainly not impossible, could be tricky if one happened to be male.

Lily was sitting on a couch, reading her Transfiguration textbook with a look of intense concentration on her face. To announce his and James's presence, Remus cleared his throat.

Lily looked up, saw James, and immediately shoved her textbook aside, ran to him, and threw her arms around him, knocking the wind out of him as she hugged him far tighter than he had anticipated. After several seconds, she seemed to realize that she might be hurting him, and she withdrew apologetically. "Sorry. But James, you're back!"

James looked at Lily, seeming somewhat awestruck. "You're that happy about it? Really?"

Lily grinned. "Of course! I love you!" When she saw that James mirrored none of her exuberance, she lowered her gaze and said, "Sorry. Should I be less excited? I'm being tactless, aren't I?"

James bit his lip for a moment. He was practiced enough at biting his lip that he could draw blood without really impeding the flow of a conversation. This was facilitated, of course, by his biting his lip so often that the skin never properly healed. "You're not being tactless, Lily. Of _course _you're not being tactless! I'm sorry—I'm just . . . wallowing."

Lily stepped forward and gave James half a hug, pressing herself against him and putting one arm around him. She wasn't sure if watching this bothered Remus—it wasn't bad, as PDA went, but you never knew what would offend whom—but she figured Remus, of all people, would understand why she was doing it. "Don't apologize. It's perfectly understandable. Would you like to go down to the lake and walk around for a while?" That way, Lily reasoned, she could do whatever James needed, physical or otherwise, without worrying about offending anyone.

James managed a smile. "That would be great."

Lily smiled back. "Come on, then." She took James by the hand and practically pulled him through the common room, not because she was moving so quickly but because he was so lethargic. Over her shoulder, Lily shot Remus a look in which she tried to convey sympathy, gratitude, and apologies all at once. Remus, in response, gave a cheerless grin.

As the couple made its way through corridor after corridor toward the school's main doors, Lily asked, "How are you, by the way? I should've asked sooner, but—well, how are you?"

"Eh," James responded unenthusiastically. "Miserable, mostly, I guess. No offense. You're still the most wonderful thing in the world. Don't think you're failing to cheer me up. I'm just—kind of beyond that at the moment. Sorry."

"I keep telling you, James, don't apologize," Lily reminded him as kindly as she could. "You have every right to grieve, and I'm not stupid enough to take it personally. Please stop worrying so much about how I'm going to feel. Please. This really isn't about me at all. I'm just here to help."

"Lily," James breathed. "You're so perfect."

Lily shook her head dismissively. "No, James, I'm really not."

"You are," James insisted, speaking more quickly now. "You are and I don't deserve you and I'm sorry I was such a jerk to you when you stayed over—I swear it was amazing, holding you all night—both of the nights—I'm sorry, Lily; please forgive me!"

Lily and James were a bit of a distance from the castle now, almost to the lake. This wasn't the most private of spots, but it wasn't particularly exposed unless someone passed them on the path, which wasn't likely to happen at 7:30 a.m. on a Friday at Hogwarts. After a quick glance around to make sure that she and James were the only people in the vicinity, Lily stopped walking, stood on tiptoe, and kissed James hard on the mouth. James kissed her back, and she could feel his panic and misery emanating from him as he put his arms around her.

After a long and desperate kiss, the two broke apart. "Thanks, Lily," James gasped. "You're really not mad at me?"

Lily winced. How could she convince him once and for all that she loved him and it was okay to grieve? "Of course I'm not mad at you, James. I love you. Will you _please_ believe me on that one? _Please?_"

James sighed. "It's hard to believe much of anything, these days. I mean, weird stuff happens. Dad wasn't supposed to die when he did. And you're not supposed to hate me because you're my girlfriend—but that doesn't mean you're not going to hate me. The past week or so has been a lesson in the world's unpredictability. So I need to keep making sure that things still are the way they were the last time I checked—especially if I have reason to think I've done something wrong. Weird stuff happens."

Lily was going on tiptoes for another kiss when a voice nearby snarled, "Damn right weird stuff happens. You don't know the half of it." Lily jerked away from James and whirled around to see who had said that, though she had a sinking feeling that that particular voice could only belong to one person.

**A/N: Cliff-hanger! Tell me what you think! I'll totally take input if you guys have ideas about what should happen next, so please review!**


	26. Sectumsempra

**Disclaimer: The characters, spells, and general awesomeness are not mine. Except maybe a little bit of the awesomeness, but it probably all belongs to J. K. Rowling.**

**A/N: I figured it was high time for some action. Also, I hope you're happy. Two updates in one day.**

James's face contorted with rage. "Snivellus."

Lily was horrified. "Severus!" she cried reproachfully, flushing with anger. "I know you hate him, but I thought you had some _decency_! His father died less than two weeks ago and you—you're—" There weren't words for what Lily was trying to express—or, at least, Lily's vocabulary didn't contain anything so obscene.

"He can go the same way as his father," broke in another voice. "So can you, Mudblood." A tall, hulking boy—Avery—stepped out from behind a different tree.

"One hex her way and you're both dead, Azkaban be damned," James snarled, moving in front of Lily protectively.

"Azkaban be damned, huh?" Avery mimicked mockingly. "Pretty brave thing for a head boy to say, don't you think, Snape? In fact, I think it's rather improper. Doesn't quite fit in with the pretty-boy job description, now does it?"

"Shut the hell up, Avery," James retorted. "_Silencio! Levicorpus!_" Avery's body flew into the air and he mouthed spells without any visible result, though his face grew red as all the blood rushed to his head and his anger mounted.

"Potter, that's _my _hex, you son of a—" Snape started, seeming not to realize that he was wasting time and breath yelling when it would have made far more tactical sense to hex James.

"_Levicorpus! Diffundo!_" James yelled before Snape had time to finish. The latter was the seam-splitting spell, and Snape's pants ripped, exposing underwear that looked about the same as the other pair of Snape's underwear that had been exposed to the public. Lily moaned. It was fifth year all over again. _"Expel—_"

"_Sectum_—" Snape yelled. For the smallest of split seconds, Lily froze. Was Snape really going that far? She remembered the spell—she'd still been friends with Snape when he started trying to come up with it—and it was genuinely horrible. He'd promised her a hundred times he'd never use it on anyone unless it was a matter of life or death. Oh, how things had changed.

"_Expeliarmus! Silencio!_" Lily shouted in Snape's direction. Snape's wand came flying toward her, and she tried to catch it but fumbled and dropped it. Her hands were shaking with fear and rage. She picked up the wand, took a deep breath, and tried to yell, "_Crucio_," but the word wouldn't come. The best she could manage was "_Furnuculus!_" which she shouted forcefully in both Snape and Avery's directions. Both of the Slytherins immediately erupted in huge red boils, which Lily found comforting, considering she'd just failed to produce an Unforgivable Curse that she had very much wanted, at that moment, to perform.

"_Stupefy_," James muttered, pointing his wand first at Snape and then at Avery. Both Slytherins immediately went limp and their eyes drifted closed, though they were still both hanging upside down by their ankles. "_Mobilicorpus._ Hey, Lily, can you take Snivelly's body? I'm moving Avery's and I don't think I can manage two."

Lily nodded curtly, shaking harder than ever now that the fight was over. This was far more intense than the worst shivering she'd ever experienced. "Yeah. Sure. I can do that."

James must have heard her voice shaking, because he turned to her and gathered her up in his arms, holding her tight against his chest. "Are you doing all right, love? You fought brilliantly. Really. I didn't know you could do all that."

Lily made a noncommittal noise. "Yeah, I suppose I did all right. Are you okay? Severus aimed a pretty nasty hex at you."

James released Lily and looked at her quizzically. "What does that hex do? I swear I'd never heard it before."

Lily nodded. "Yeah, Severus made it up. It was one of the worse ones. I mean, some of his spells aren't all that bad—_Levicorpus, Liberacorpus, Mufliato_—but that one, _Sectumsempra_? It rips your chest open, and, unless you get the right potions on it right away as an antidote, you'll bleed out really fast. As in, die. Merlin, I can't believe he was actually going to use that on you! He promised me so many times he wouldn't use it unless he was really desperate. Life or death, he said."

"Merlin, it would take a twisted mind to come up with that one," James remarked, looking disturbed.

Lily looked at the boil-covered, unconscious boy bobbing along through the air behind her. "Yeah, Severus is completely twisted. Evil, even. But, well, he didn't have the best odds, to start with. His father hates magic—and just about everything else in the world, too. And beats his mother. Beat Severus, too, before Severus started threatening to use Unforgiveable Curses on him. It's not a particularly happy life."

"Damn," James remarked. "I'd feel bad for him, but he just tried to kill me."

"Yeah. That was definitely inexcusable, and I'm not trying to make you like him. But there is more to the story than just Severus-is-an-evil-Slytherin. But he is! That's not the whole story, but it's hard to argue with all the same. Merlin, James, I didn't think he'd use that on someone. Especially not on _you_. I really thought his and your mutual hatred was a little too petty to get lethal," Lily remarked.

"Me too," James assured her. "Me too."

"I wanted to use the Cruciatus Curse on him," Lily admitted. "I tried, but the incantation wouldn't come. I could feel it, on the tip of my tongue, but I couldn't say it."

"Wouldn't want to corrupt a lovely soul like yours, now would we?" James asked playfully, toying with Lily's hair. Then he dropped his hand and said much more seriously, "You really would have used an Unforgiveable Curse on him?"

"Definitely," Lily replied immediately. "He tried to kill you, James, and you didn't know how big the danger was because you didn't recognize the spell. That's low and conniving and evil in _so _many ways. He deserved the Cruciatus Curse."

"You haven't called him Sev all day—just Severus," James noted, a look of interest on his face.

"I call him Sev when I'm not too furious with him. I mean, we _were_ best friends—damn it all, why do I even care about those memories anymore? He's _evil_!" James tried to get over his shock. He'd never, in seven years at Hogwarts, heard Lily Evans swear. At least, that is, until today.

"That he is," James agreed, trying to be nonchalant. Then he sighed and looked at the two limp bodies of the Slytherins. "What do we do now?"

"Dumbledore," Lily suggested. "We need to talk to Dumbledore. He'll sort everything out."

"Y'know, for once I agree with you about consulting authority," James remarked. "Let's go to the Headmaster's office."

**A/N: What do you think? **_**Please**_** tell me! REVIEW!**


	27. The Order of the Phoenix

**Disclaimer: This is fanfiction. Hence, it is not mine. **

**A/N: I'm going to go out of town really soon. I'd like to get another chapter or two up, but that may or may not happen depending on if I have time. If I don't publish anything more in the next few days, don't expect an update until mid-July.**

"You know, Lily," James said conversationally as the two Heads made their way to the entrance to Dumbledore's office, "I don't think I've ever been to Dumbledore's office without being in trouble." This was a completely irrelevant statement, but he was trying to forget that Severus Snape had just tried to kill him, and talking about detentions and Dumbledore and other non-deadly matters seemed like a good idea.

"Really?" Lily asked, and then hit herself in the head for being surprised. "Right. It's you."

"Yeah," James agreed. "And I don't think Dumbledore calls people to his office just because he fancies a conversation. He's got enough to do."

Lily shrugged. "I've been up here just to talk plenty of times."

James cocked his head and gave her a strange look. "You have? Why?"

Lily cast a look behind her at the unconscious body of her ex-best friend. "I think Dumbledore wanted to see what I could do about Severus—if I could keep him from becoming like the other Slytherins. I don't know. Maybe Dumbledore just wanted to make sure I was okay, trying to get through Hogwarts with only one real friend in my own house. Anyway, my first couple years here, I came to see Dumbledore once every two weeks, on Tuesday nights. That was just how it went."

"I always wondered why we weren't sent to Dumbledore's office that time we dropped a toilet off the Astronomy tower . . . it was a Tuesday!" James exclaimed.

Lily shot him an incredulous look. "You dropped a _toilet_ off the _Astronomy tower_?"

"We were twelve, okay?" James retorted defensively. "It seemed funny at the time."

Lily rolled her eyes. "Whatever." Sometimes she really didn't understand the Marauders' sense of humor.

They had reached the stone gargoyles at the entrance to Dumbledore's office. James looked at Lily. "Uh . . . do you know the password?"

Lily rolled her eyes again. It occurred to her that if James said too many more stupid things in the next few minutes, she would get dizzy. "The London Underground," she said to the gargoyles, who instantly sprang aside.

As the door opened, revealing the moving spiral staircase that led to Dumbledore's office, James asked, "The password is 'The London Underground'?"

"Yes," Lily replied impatiently, "and you should know that, because we as Heads are informed of every password to the Headmaster's office, as soon as the password is changed, so that we can always have access to Dumbledore in case of an emergency."

James looked at the ground. "Oh. Right."

Lily sighed. "I know you've been trying, and I know you're not used to responsibility. It's all right."

James didn't know how to respond to that, so he brought up the matter of getting Snape's and Avery's bodies up the spiral staircase. It took a lot of maneuvering and rather more handling of the Slytherins than either of the Gryffindors would have liked, but eventually the two limp bodies were crammed into the staircase and everyone was able to get to Dumbledore's office.

"Come in," came a voice from inside the room before James and Lily had a chance to knock. The two exchanged a glance and then shrugged and entered the office, accepting that Dumbledore was just weird and there was nothing to be done about it.

Dumbledore was sitting at his desk, peering at the entering foursome over his pressed-together fingertips and the tops of his half-moon spectacles. He frowned when he saw the floating, unconscious bodies of Snape and Avery. "Miss Evans, Mister Potter—if I may be so blunt, what in Merlin's name happened?"

"We were ambushed, sir," Lily replied immediately, not wanting James to say something stupid that Dumbledore could use to discredit their story. She knew that the Headmaster was fair, but that might mean he would take a hands-off approach to the constant fighting between Snape and James, no matter what was alleged. A testimony against Snape from Lily, however, would be more likely to receive an audience. "James and I were on our way down to the lake this morning when Severus and Avery stepped out from behind the trees and started hexing us. James incapacitated Avery pretty quickly, but then Severus tried to kill James. The spell is one of Severus's own invention—_Sectumsempra._ It splits open the chest, causing the victim to bleed to death quickly unless exactly the correct potions are applied as antidotes. Severus has invented a lot of spells, sir, as I'm sure you know. Many are harmless—_Levicorpus, _for example; I know the professors hate it, but it's really not that bad—but then there are spells like _Sectumsempra_ that are completely horrible. I know I should have reported them to you earlier, sir, but Severus promised me a hundred times that he'd only use them in life-or-death situations, and I wanted to believe him. I didn't want to think he was a killer—but it seems he is. In any event, I recognized the spell and disarmed Severus before he could complete the curse."

Dumbledore had an excellent poker face. "That's a very interesting story, Miss Evans, but I'm afraid that it doesn't account for the boils that both Mister Snape and Mister Avery seem to be sporting."

Lily looked at her feet. "I'm afraid I was angry, sir. It was the first spell that came to mind."

Dumbledore gave Lily a long look. "No, Miss Evans, it was not the first."

Dumbledore could read minds. That was the only explanation. How else could he have known about the attempt Lily had made to us the Cruciatus curse? Lily nodded reluctantly. "You're right, Headmaster, but I found myself incapable of performing the first spell, and I believe that the Furnuculus Charm was a better choice anyway."

Dumbledore nodded. "Right you are, Miss Evans." He looked from her to James and back again. "Take a seat, both of you."

When James and Lily were seated, Dumbledore said, "As I'm sure both of you know, dark times are upon us, and they're only getting worse. Mister Potter, you have experienced this very recently firsthand. I'm very sorry about your loss. Your father was an excellent Auror and his presence will be missed." Dumbledore paused for a moment, perhaps out of respect for the dead. "Your generation will be very important in the battles that are looming. Too many have already joined the ranks of the Death Eaters—Mister Snape and Mister Avery, I'm sad to say, are among them. I do not expect them back next term, though perhaps they will surprise me and finish out their educations before dedicating their lives to the evil that is Lord Voldemort." Lily and James gasped simultaneously when Dumbledore said the dreaded name.

"I would like to include your generation in the fight against the Death Eaters as well. In fact, I was planning to meet with you and your friends later today. I believe a certain group of Marauders has some talents that will be very useful to our side." Dumbledore looked at James, his eyes twinkling. "This is, of course, a voluntary commitment. Your lives would be in grave danger if you joined The Order of the Phoenix."

Lily and James looked at each other. "The Order of the Phoenix?" Lily asked.

"You're inviting _us_?" James added incredulously.

"What_ is_ this Order?" Lily inquired.

"Yes, Mister Potter, I'm inviting you," Dumbledore said tersely. "I'd be insane to ignore the talents you and your friends have displayed over the years while driving Mister Filch and Professor McGonagall up the walls. You're cunning, clever, creative, loyal, brave to the point of idiocy, and display more ingenuity than I would have thought possible. Don't tell Professor McGonagall I said that—she agrees with me, but she doesn't want to swell your heads.

"In answer to your question, Miss Evans, The Order of the Phoenix is an underground organization dedicated to defeating Lord Voldemort and his Death Eaters. I founded the Order many years ago, and Mister Potter's parents were some of the first members. Many Hogwarts graduates have entered the Order over the years, but now it's more crucial than ever to have new, young, talented recruits to swell our ranks. You are of age now. A spot in the Order is yours for the taking if you wish to have it, but you must be aware that this is a highly dangerous undertaking. If you do not wish to put your life in danger in this manner, you are free to decline the position, no questions asked."

"I'm in," James and Lily said at exactly the same time.

"Lily—it's not safe!" James protested, turning to her.

"I saved your life this morning, James," Lily retorted. "You know I can fight. Don't be sexist."

James started to reply and then wisely shut his mouth.

"If you're sure, then I'm glad to hear it," Dumbledore replied. "If, however, you wanted more time to think, you could give me your answer at the start of next term."

"Isn't that quite a while from now?" asked James.

Dumbledore laughed, a deep laugh that seemed to shake the room. "So you haven't been counting down, Mister Potter?" He seemed to find this hilarious. "The term ends tomorrow. Christmas vacation is practically upon us."

James looked at Lily in confusion. "Did _you_ know about this?"

Lily looked just as confused as her boyfriend. "No. I must have lost track, with everything that's been going on."

"Completely understandable," Dumbledore told them dismissively. "Now, about what happened this morning—Mister Avery and Mister Snape are Death Eaters. One can't yet be prosecuted for following an ideology, nor can one be punished for attempting a made-up spell that supposedly can be potentially deadly to the victim. In other words, these two should be locked up, but there's not much I can do about it. I could give them detentions—perhaps I will—but ultimately this problem is bigger than any in-school punishment and can't be touched by real legal systems. Might it be best to forget that any of this ever happened, and allow them to think that we never had this conversation?"

Lily and James nodded their silent agreement.

"Good. In that case, I wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, and please tell Mister Black, Mister Lupin, Mister Pettigrew, Mister Longbottom Miss McDonald, Miss McKinnon, and Miss Rivers to stop by and inform me whether or not they will join the Order. Oh, and you may leave the bodies here. I'll take them to the Hospital Wing in—ahem—my own fashion."

"Yes, Professor Dumbledore." It was James who said it, but his tone was so obedient that for a moment neither his headmaster nor his girlfriend could believe the words had really come from his mouth.

"Very well. I will see you next term, and hopefully under happier circumstances," Dumbledore said, waving goodbye over the boil-covered bodies of Snape and Avery.

As soon as the Heads were in the main corridor, James exclaimed, "The Order, Lily! We _have_ to go tell the other Marauders." There was an excited gleam in his eye. "They'll be so thrilled. They never thought they'd get in—Padfoot with his family history, you know, not exactly Gryffindor material to begin with, and Moony as a werewolf, since werewolves almost always side with the bad guys, and Wormtail didn't think he was good enough to be useful—oh, they're going to be so happy!"

Lily smiled back. "Yeah, that's great."

James could tell there was something off in her tone. "What's wrong?"

Lily made a face. "Severus trying to kill you, I guess."

James shrugged. "He's a Death Eater. He's evil. I know you don't want to believe it, but that's the truth, and you're going to have to get used to it."

"I know," Lily sighed. "It's just—James, he's the one who told me I was a witch. Told me about Hogwarts, about magic. He opened this entire world for me. It was the most wonderful thing anyone had ever done for me, at the time. I was so happy. He and I would meet every day and just talk about what it was going to be like here . . . I never wanted to believe he was evil." The pain in Lily's voice was so strong that it made James wince. He was beginning to understand why it had taken her so long to forgive him for the incident in fifth year when he had humiliated Snape.

"I'm really sorry, Lily. But he's not an innocent little boy anymore. He's a Death Eater."

"I know," Lily replied miserably. "I've known for a long time. But that doesn't change how I feel about the whole situation."

"Did you ever love him?" James asked abruptly. It was a question he'd had for years, but he'd never dared voice it. Earlier, he'd been too afraid it was true, and now he worried that Lily would hate him for asking.

"As a sister," Lily answered. "Yes, I definitely loved him as a sister for at least my first three years here. But no, I was never in love with him. Last I checked, he fancied me—whether the word 'love' applies isn't something I ever bothered finding out—but he definitely fancied me as of a few months ago."

"How does someone who fancies a Muggle-born become a Death Eater?" James asked.

"A lot of ways," Lily replied. "Peer pressure, loneliness, need for a community—James, how was Severus ever going to get any friends who weren't in Slytherin, other than me? You and the other Marauders made that pretty much impossible by marking him as a hated one, an 'other.' The only friends he had besides me were in Slytherin, and he and I had to sneak around and didn't get to talk much. People like Avery and Mulciber at least let him hang out with them on a regular basis. He was desperate for company, and they showed him how to become popular in his own house. The Death Eaters, I'm pretty sure, are a community for him."

"That's a pretty damn screwed-up community, if you ask me," James replied, though he was starting to wonder if this entire conundrum had happened because of a few stupid comments he and Sirius had made on the train to Hogwarts at the start of first year.

"Of course, Severus still made choices," Lily continued. "If he'd really wanted to resist the Death Eaters, he could have. But all of the easy ways out were almost impossible thanks to people hating or avoiding him. He still didn't have to—to call me a Mudblood, and attack you, and everything. That was just awful, whatever his reasons."

James nodded. By now, the two were at the Great Hall. "On a happier subject, let's tell the Marauders the good news, all right?" James suggested.

"Sure, yeah," Lily agreed.

James bounded energetically over to the corner of the Gryffindor table where the other Marauders were having lunch, Lily following less enthusiastically in his wake. "Guys, guess what!" he said, though he kept his voice down to avoid attracting too much attention. "Dumbledore wants you to join the Order!"

"Merlin, really?" Remus asked in disbelief while Sirius did a happy dance.

"He even wants _me_?" Peter squeaked.

"Yep, all of you," James answered. "And Frank and Mary and Alice and Marlene, too. Just stop by his office and tell him whether you're in."

"Oh, I'm in. I'm so in they're never gonna get me out," Sirius said immediately, attracting general sideways glances that seemed to ask, _Is he okay?_

"Well, great," said James, sitting down and serving himself a big helping of chicken, which was sitting in a huge bowl just asking to be eaten. "I'm starved."

**A/N: Please review! I'd really like to know what you think.**


	28. An Invitation

**Disclaimer: I'm not even British, let alone anywhere as awesome as J. K. Rowling. **

**Author's Note: Sorry for the delay—I haven't had computer access for three weeks. I'll try to get at least one more chapter up this week before I leave again for a month. **

"Hey, Lily," James called from his perch on the back of Sirius's couch in the common room. Lily had just come down the stairs from her dorm; she was dragging a trunk. Term had ended and nearly everyone was going home. "What are you doing over the holidays?"

Lily set down her trunk and made her way to James's side, threading her fingers through her luscious red hair. Running a hand through her hair was a habit she was unconsciously picking up from James, despite how much it had always bothered her when he did it. "I was planning on spending the holidays with my family. Not that I'm looking forward to it—my sister just married this complete louse, Vernon, and, well, I'd rather go two weeks without magic than spend two weeks staying in a house that includes him. I don't think my parents would be keen on letting me do anything else, though, particularly since they've never met you and I—well, I've never actually, er . . . said anything nice about you."

James grinned, clearly trying to ignore the insult. He poked Lily playfully. "You're just assuming that, because I'm asking what your plans are, I'm inviting you over?"

Lily covered her smile with her hand. James was right. It had been an arrogant assumption. Not that she had any doubt that she was correct—but the arrogance was still impressive. "All right, then," Lily replied, playing along, "why _did_ you ask me about my plans?"

James's smile grew wry. "You have me there. I'm asking you over for the holidays. Of course that's what I'm doing." His smile slid off his face. "Can you come?"

Lily took James's hand and squeezed it hard. "I'll try. I'd much rather be at your place than mine."

James obviously made an effort to smile, but it didn't really work. "Thanks. Do your best, will you, Lily?" He sighed. "Of course you'll do your best. You're Lily Evans." He looked at the floor. "Sirius is coming, of course. Potter Mansion is the only home he has. Remus and Peter are asking permission to come, too. I think they'll be able to. They've spent parts of breaks with me before, and their parents have met mine. The Lupins and the Pettigrews came to the funeral. I'm guessing they'll be . . . sympathetic."

Lily held James's hand tighter. "Maybe you should stop by. You know, introduce yourself to my parents, ask if you can host me for Christmas and New Year's. They'd probably feel better about it after having had you to dinner and stuff."

James raised his eyebrows. "You're asking me to dinner."

Lily shrugged. "Would you prefer lunch?"

James laughed. "Not that long ago, you wouldn't have asked me to anything."

"Thank Merlin we fixed that," Lily replied, smiling. She wanted this uptick in James's mood to last as long as possible.

Severus and Avery's ambush had forced James to stop moping constantly. Dumbledore's invitation to join the Order of the Phoenix had cheered him up substantially, as had the news that vacation was just around the corner. However, he was still obviously mourning, and his mood changed easily and frequently for the worse.

James's smile dimmed again. "Please try to come for Christmas, Lily."

Hoping to distract him, Lily asked, "What do you think you'll be doing for the holidays?"

James frowned, but it seemed to be more a product of thought than sadness. "We'll probably go to church on Christmas. And we'll have wizard crackers, of course, and Mum might officially let us have wine this year, even though she's been kind of strict about it in the past. We've got house elves and the food will be excellent. And presents, of course . . ." James blushed.

"You don't need to get me anything," Lily interrupted. "It's been a hard December and you forgot Christmas was even coming. You don't need to wrack your brains for a present."

James rolled his eyes. "Yeah, and I'm sure you'll agree not to get me anything, either."

"That's different," Lily replied. "My December hasn't been anywhere near as hard as yours."

"You forgot Christmas, too," James countered. "And your December's been hard enough. I know Snape and Avery's attack was harder on you than on me, thanks to your history with Snape. _And_ you had to deal with _both_ Remus and Mary while they weren't getting along and then after the breakup. Plus you've had to deal with me. I know what Remus told you . . . Lily, I'm sorry. And it's not like I've been at my best lately. Your December's been plenty hard."

"I'm still getting you a present," Lily insisted, trying to hide the fact that she was wracking her brain for ideas of what to get him.

"And I'm getting you one as well," James replied, smiling. "Also, I only told you our Christmas plans. We do New Year's, too. In fact, the past three years, we've thrown an enormous party. My dad is—_was_—a lot like me. He knew I wanted to party; it's one of the points of being a teenager, we've both thought. He tried to make sure things didn't get too out of hand, but he didn't let Mum put down too many rules, either. I tend to invite most of the Gryffindors in our year, the Quidditch team, some Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs, some Gryffindors in surrounding years, former Quidditch teammates, some neighbors . . . The party goes all night. Whether or not you can come and stay, I hope you can come to the party. If . . ." He sighed. "If it's still happening. Mum might not want . . ."

Lily nodded. "Yeah." Her head was spinning. _Partying. Partying_ with that many other people. Merlin—who did James think she was?

"I've always wished you were there," James continued. "I've danced with different girls every year, and I've never enjoyed it. It's so boring, dancing with girls who think I'm interested in them when all I'm thinking about is how much I wish they were you." James saw the look on Lily's face and laughed. "I guess I shouldn't have told you that. The point is, I fell for you a long time ago, and I've been waiting to dance with you ever since."

Lily looked down. "I was about seven years old the last time I tried to dance, James."

James raised his eyebrows. "Good Merlin, I _am_ dating Lily Evans." He chucked. "Don't worry, I can teach you to dance."

**A/N: What do you think? Please tell me! Review!**


	29. Salads and Persuasion

**Disclaimer: J. K. Rowling owns it. **

**A/N: Hey, guys! Sorry that it's been forever. I was out of town for a while and then came back and found I had serious writer's block. The next chapter is now in progress, and hopefully I know enough of what I'm doing that I can get up a few chapters in quick succession. Keep your fingers crossed for more updates soon!**

"Mum?"

"Yes, dear?"

"I, um . . . I . . ." _Out with it, Lily._ "I—I have a boyfriend."

Mrs. Evans spun around from her place at the sink, where she had been washing lettuce for the salad she was making. Water flew everywhere as she turned, but the woman seemed not to notice as she beamed at her daughter. "That's wonderful! Who is he? Since when? What's he like?"

Lily could feel herself blushing and was grateful that the only person there to see her was a fellow redhead. "It's—it's James Potter, actually." She took a deep breath and hurried to continue before her mother could comment. "He's Head Boy this year, and I was furious back in September when I realized I had to share duties with him. But he really grew up over the summer, and I could see from pretty much the beginning that he was doing his best to be a better person. I still wasn't ready to forgive him or give him a clean slate or anything, but finally, at the end of October, we started talking. We became friends pretty quickly, which has made Head duties a lot more pleasant. We got together mid-November and . . . well, it's been nice. But, a couple weeks ago, James's dad died, and that's been hard for him and the rest of the Marauders and—well, for me, too. To see him that sad. And—"

"How did he die?" Mrs. Evans broke in.

"James's dad was an Auror—a Dark wizard catcher, basically. The problem is that, lately, the Dark wizards and witches have been getting a lot more organized and powerful. We don't know exactly what happened, but James's dad died in the line of duty."

"How tragic!" Mrs. Evans had finished washing the lettuce and was now tearing it into tiny bits, which she flung into the bowl that would eventually contain the finished salad. "How is James doing?"

"James is . . . well, he seems to be basically holding together. He's really cut up about the loss, though. Sirius and Remus are really supportive, at least, and I do what I can, but we can all tell it's still really hard for him."

"Of course it is. How's his mother?"

Lily shrugged. "I don't quite know. I saw her at the funeral—Dumbledore let the Marauders and me off of school to go—but it was hard to tell."

Mrs. Evans sighed and reached for the bag of croutons in the cupboard above her head.

"James invited the Marauders and me to stay over the holidays," Lily said quickly. "He thinks it'll be easier to get through his first Christmas without his dad if he's got us around."

"You want to stay at the house of a boy your father and I have never met instead of spending the holidays with your family?" Having finished with the croutons, Mrs. Evans began chopping tomatoes. She moved the knife in quick, harsh strokes, and tomato juice spurted onto her apron, but she pretended not to notice the red stains on the carefully starched white cloth.

"I thought we could have him to dinner first," Lily suggested.

Mrs. Evans stopped chopping tomatoes and turned again to face Lily. Looking her daughter in the eye, she said, "You already invited him, didn't you." It wasn't a question, and, when Lily didn't answer it, Mrs. Evans added, "Lily Azalea Evans, I've only ever seen you love a couple of people outside of this house. Every time, it changes how you act. Very well, spend your holiday with James. But first you have to tell your father."

Lily grimaced but then nodded and hugged her mother. If telling her father was the price she had to pay, so be it.

An hour of arguing later, Lily had secured permission from both parents. She rushed to her room and dug through her trunk to find the mirror James had given her just before they'd gone home to their respective families. "Sirius and I charmed these ages ago to keep in contact with each other," James had explained. "Y'know, for when we were in separate detentions and stuff. But Sirius and I are probably going to spend the next couple weeks in _very_ close proximity to each other, so I figured this might be worth more in your hands. Contact me when you've talked to your mum and dad, all right? I'll have my mirror with me 24/7 until I hear from you."

Lily found the mirror wrapped in a robe, just the way she'd packed it. Holding it out in front of herself, Lily saw not her own reflection, but complete darkness. "Hello?" she said to the mirror, feeling foolish. "James?"

Shadowy fingers appeared on the dark surface of the mirror, interrupting the blackness. Then, suddenly, all was light and crazy tilting. After a second, the scene steadied and James's face came into focus. "Lily!" he exclaimed. "What's the news?"

"Dad's not too happy, but I have Mum's support, so I can come. I'd advise you charm the socks off of my father, though, and I don't mean with magic."

James nodded. "I can do that."

There was a thud in the background, but James neither flinched nor explained, so Lily decided not to ask. She hadn't expected James to be quite so confident about pleasing her family, but it was certainly better than the alternative. Perhaps being around his chaotic friends made him feel more invincible? Lily wasn't sure, but she decided to just accept it. "Come at six and I'll go home with you afterward. Have Remus and Peter both arrived yet?"

James smiled. "Yep. Remus and I are trying to convince the other two that we all need to get as much of our stupidity as possible out of our systems today. I'll try to get the others to clean up while I'm gone; otherwise, you'll get here an the house will be a nightmare." There was a crash in the background and James turned away from the mirror to yell, "Peter! That one wasn't supposed to fall over!" Turning back to Lily, James said, "I'm sorry, but I think I have to go. See you tonight?"

"See you tonight," Lily answered, wrapping the mirror in a robe once more.

**A/N: Thoughtful feedback helps stave off writer's block **_**and **_**makes me more enthusiastic about writing more! In other words, **_**please**_** review.**


	30. Dinner with the Evanses

**Disclaimer: As much as I love these characters, they're not actually mine.**

At exactly 6:00 p.m., there was a knock on the Evanses' door. Lily, who had been waiting in the front hall for the past 15 minutes, opened the door to find a neat, well-dressed James Potter waiting on the stoop. He was wearing a red button-down collared shirt tucked into black dress pants, with shiny black dress shoes finishing out the look. He'd even managed to get his hair to lay flat, somehow, and it was parted perfectly down the middle. Lily missed the scruffiness, but she knew that her father—and Vernon, for that matter, as he would be dining with them tonight as well—would find little to reproach in this polished-looking James. To top it all off, James had a bouquet of flowers in each arm.

"Punctual, classy, and carrying flowers—you _are _going to charm everyone's socks off. Merlin, James. Well done." Lily could feel her heartbeat speeding up, banging against her ribs, and she grinned at her boyfriend.

"You don't look too bad yourself," James returned.

Lily shrugged. She was wearing a soft green sweater and a black skirt, and she'd put a bit of thought into her jewelry and even put on some makeup, but she hardly thought she looked exceptional.

James's shoulders twitched suddenly. "Would you mind if I come in? I pride myself on not being too picky about temperatures, but it _is_ December."

Lily blushed, cursing herself inwardly. "Of course. Please. Come in. Sorry."

James stepped into the house, closed the door behind him, and kissed her on the forehead. "It's all right, love. I don't always think straight around you, either."

Lily couldn't help smiling. "It's basically time for dinner." She started toward the dining room. "Also, why do you have _two bouquets_?"

James followed Lily through the house. "There's a bouquet for you and a bouquet for your family." He handed Lily one bouquet, composed solely of red roses. "I want you to be free to bring yours with you to my house and then to Hogwarts, but I also wanted your family to be able to keep one for more than the couple hours they've got left with you. I charmed both of the bouquets to be long-lasting, so they shouldn't wilt for another couple months at least."

"That's pretty advanced charms work."

"I might have gotten a tiny bit of help from Remus . . ."

Lily laughed. "So? It's still impressive."

For a second, James seemed to relax, but then he and Lily reached the dining room, where Lily's parents, Petunia, and Vernon were standing beside a formally set table and chatting. James's relaxed aura departed, but it was replaced by determination. He adjusted his hold on the remaining bouquet and strutted into the room.

Lily's mother was the first to notice James. "Hello! You must be James." She moved forward to greet him.

James smiled and gave a little bow before shaking hands with Mrs. Evans. "James Potter, at your service."

Mrs. Evans smiled. "Flowers! My goodness, what a gentleman!"

A bit of color crept into James's cheeks. "I brought roses for Lily; this mixed arrangement is for you and Mr. Potter. It felt rude to only bring a bouquet for Lily, since I'll be taking her away from you so soon. The flowers are charmed to stay fresh for several weeks at least." James handed Mrs. Evans a bouquet of daffodils, black-eyed Susans, lilies of the valley, and Queen Anne's lace.

"This is exquisite," Mrs. Evans cooed. Just then, Mr. Evans bustled over to join the group, and Mrs. Evans turned to him and said, "This is James—Lily's boyfriend. And look! He brought us a bouquet!"

Mr. Evans didn't smile, but his eyebrows went up in what seemed to be pleased surprise. "Very nice," he commented, holding out a hand for James to shake. "You're James, then."

"James Potter, at your service, sir," James replied. Lily nearly gawped at him. That was certainly the first time she'd ever heard him use the word "sir."

"You just lost your father, I understand."

"Dad!" Lily exclaimed, stepping forward and taking James's hand.

The light went out of James's eyes and he stared at the floor. "Yes, sir," he managed.

Mr. Evans's expression softened somewhat. "Mrs. Evans and I are very sorry to hear that. We give our condolences to you and your mother.

James looked up dully at Mr. Evans. "Thank you, sir."

After an awkward silence, Mr. Evans clapped his hands together and said, "Right! Let's eat."

Mrs. Evans gave James a pitying glance before bustling into the kitchen to fetch the food. A colorful salad was followed by steaming cuts of steak and heaps of mashed potatoes, and the meal was finished off by a chocolate cake that would have made Remus faint from happiness. James devoured everything with equal zeal (and substantially better manners than he typically displayed at Hogwarts, though the same unbelievable appetite). As the evening progressed, he recovered from the mention of his father's death and reclaimed the role of charming conversationalist.

"You and Lily know each other from Hogwarts," Mr. Evans said as everyone was finishing the salad course.

"Yes, sir," James replied, still not quite himself. Lily could hear the strain of grief in his voice, but the untrained ear, she knew, would pick up nothing. "Lily and I have been in Gryffindor House together for seven years now. I've been chasing her for years, but I used to be a bit of a jerk—"

"A bit of a jerk?" Lily interrupted, hoping to lighten the mood. "You were the worst!"

The ploy worked, and James cracked his first smile in about 15 minutes. "All right, I was the worst—the point is, she rejected me a lot. Until this year."

"Yeah—this year, I only rejected you a couple times," Lily teased.

"Good God, can't a man take a hint?" Vernon muttered audibly from across the table.

James put on his best patient smile. "Some things—some _people_—are just too important to give up on. I've known for about five years now that Lily's the most amazing girl I've ever met or will ever meet. That wasn't going to change no matter how many times she rejected me."

Lily tried not to grin as she watched identical looks of indignation and affront spread across Vernon and Petunia's faces.

Later, during the steak and potatoes, Mrs. Evans asked James what he liked to do "when he wasn't studying."

A smirk flickered across James's face when Mrs. Evans mentioned studying, but he hid it well and answered, "I'm captain of the Quidditch team this year—"

"Muggles don't have Quidditch, James," Lily interrupted.

"Right!" James exclaimed. "You're missing out!"

"Quidditch is kind of like football, but on broomsticks and with a bunch of added magical components to keep things interesting," Lily explained to her parents, Petunia, and Vernon.

"There's this enchanted golden ball called the Snitch," James said, squinting as he tried to figure out how to explain his favorite sport to Muggles. "The Snitch flies really fast, and it's really small. One person on each team—for Gryffindor, me—tries to find and catch the Snitch. That person's called the Seeker. The team of the Seeker who catches the Snitch gets 150 points, which usually, but not always, means that that team wins. Goals are 10 points each, so obviously catching the Snitch is a big deal."

"Watch the size of your head, James," Lily muttered.

James's eyes widened momentarily, and then he resumed talking. "I mean, the other players are important, too, of course. There are three Chasers on each team, and they try to score goals, and then there's a Keeper on each team who tries to block the three goalposts so that no goals are scored. Then there are two enchanted balls called Bludgers, and these fly around trying knock everyone off their brooms. This is how Quidditch can get a little dangerous."

"'Dangerous,' my ass," Vernon muttered. "They can all do magic!"

James, to his credit, continued as if nothing had been said. "Each team has two Beaters who try to knock the Bludgers toward players on the opposing team. That's pretty much the whole game, in brief."

"Have you ever gotten hit by a . . . what's-it-called, a Bludder?" Mrs. Evans asked.

"In the head, no doubt," Vernon mumbled.

"Yes, lots of times. Usually it's not so bad—just a bruise here or there. I've wound up in the hospital wing several times, though—knocked out, had some teeth knocked out, broken some bones—you know, whatever can go wrong. Luckily, magic fixes most things pretty easily, so it's just the cases of lost consciousness that wind up being anything more than a little inconvenient."

Mrs. Evans gave an amused grin and asked, "How's your experience with being Head Boy?"

"Well, it's great to have Lily as Head Girl, that's for sure." James grinned. "She's definitely got better organizational skills than I do—and, of course, she's great to be around. But I think it's been good to have an authority role this year, because I haven't always seen eye to eye with authority figures, and I've learned a lot about what it's actually like to be in charge. Rules are rules, you know? It's a lot easier to see that from this side of things."

Lily had to wonder how Sirius would have reacted to hearing that.

It was during desert that Mr. Evans asked, "So, uh, James, what are you planning to be when you finish at Hogwarts?"

"I want to be an Auror, like my dad," James responded, sitting up straighter.

"Aurors catch Dark wizards," Lily explained. "It's a very noble career."

James shrugged. "I've always liked the idea of saving the day."

"Attention hog," Lily said, elbowing her boyfriend and grinning.

"No, really!" James protested! "I want to help people, but being a Healer sounds boring, so—"

"Classic Gryffindor," Lily interrupted, shaking her head.

"Yes, in fact, I am," James answered, pretending to get defensive. "And so are you—always have been. You were the one with the courage to tell me I was being an idiot back when we were younger. That took guts, Lily. You've got them as much as I do."

"Oh yeah, Lily's brave, all right," Petunia sneered, drawing attention to herself for the first time that night. "Brave enough to ditch me for that Snape boy! Brave enough to go through my—"

"Petunia!" Mrs. Evans cut in. "We do not bring up old grievances at the table!"

"It's not fair, Mother!" Petunia yelled, shoving back her chair and standing. "You let her parade around with her abnormality and her freak of a boyfriend, you give them all your attention and don't so much as _look_ at Vernon or me, and then I say _one little thing_ and suddenly _I'm_ the problem?! You know what, Mother? Fine! I know you love Lily more than you'll ever love me. I know you'll never see her for the _freak _she is and you'll never appreciate how nice it is that Vernon and I are actually _normal_. Well, so be it. Just don't expect me to stay in this house with _them_ for _one more minute_! Come on, Vernon. We're _leaving._"

Petunia practically dragged her husband out of the dining room. A moment later, those still at the table heard the front door open and then slam shut. An engine revved in the driveway and a car pulled audibly away from the house.

For a minute, Mr. and Mrs. Evans, Lily, and James just sat there staring at one another.

"My apologies for my daughter's . . . prejudices," Mrs. Evans said at last.

James nodded. "Yeah. Um, no problem."

"That isn't—ahem—that isn't what the rest of us think of you," Mr. Evans added.

"I, uh, figured," James replied.

"So, um . . ." Mrs. Evans rose from her chair. "If you're finished with your cake, I'd say you and Lily are free to leave. It's been nice meeting you, James."

Mr. Evans stood, too, and walked over to James for a final handshake. "Keep your wits about you over the holidays, both of you. Don't get drunk. Don't produce any grandchildren for me."

"Dad!" Lily protested.

Mr. Evans ignored his daughter. "Happy Christmas and Happy New Year, both of you." With that, he followed his wife out of the dining room.

James turned to Lily. "I didn't know your sister was such a . . ."

Lily looked at the floor. "It's not something I like to talk about at school. She's jealous, though—you should know that. She really wanted to come to Hogwarts with me, and when I went, and she didn't, we went from being best friends, to, well, what you saw tonight."

James winced in sympathy. "Ouch."

"Luckily, I don't have much contact with Petunia these days, so it's okay."

"At least your mom's nice."

"Dad is, too, actually—just overprotective. That's why he was so standoffish with you—he doesn't know you, and you could be a horrible influence on me, for all he knows. Most of the time, Dad and I get along really well."

"That's good," James said, half-smiling. "Do you want to get going?"

"Hang on; my luggage is in the hall." Lily grabbed her bouquet of roses and exited the dining room.

"We can Disapparate from there, then," James said, following Lily. "Ready?"

Lily gripped the handle of her trunk and grinned, suddenly excited. "Yep."

The two Disapparated, landing dizzily on the freezing doorstep of Potter manor.

**A/N: I would love to hear what you think of this—and I'd also love some ideas for a Lily and Marauder Christmas. PLEASE tell me what you think should happen! I'll definitely update sooner with some reader input.**


	31. Christmas Presents with Sirius Black

**Disclaimer: I really wish I'd invented these characters, but no.**

"Prongs! Lily! Time for presents!" Sirius was hammering on the door of James's room. Lily wasn't technically allowed in it, but Sirius wasn't fooled by the couple's pretenses of obedience. "Get up!"

"Bloody Merlin, Pads, it's five in the morning. You're never up this early!" James protested, getting up anyway and tugging a shirt over his head.

"But it's _Christmas_!"

"You do realize that the presents will still be there in a good five hours, if you go back to bed."

"But I wanna open them _now_."

James pulled on a pair of trousers. "You're such a _child_, Padfoot." He opened the door. "I'm _coming_."

"But we _all _have to go downstairs if we're opening presents," Sirius protested, peering around the door and noting that, yes, red hair was splayed all over the white pillowcase.

"Well then give me a couple minutes to get up and dressed," Lily snapped. "If you're living with a girl, you've got to get used to allowing a few extra minutes in the morning. Now shut the door and I'll get up."

Sirius looked at James, who nodded. Shutting the door, Sirius said, "But you'd better get up."

"I will!" Lily shouted back. "And by the way, Sirius, you're not _remotetly_ amusing at five in the morning."

"Hey!"

Lily heard loud footsteps. "Sirius, you had bloody well better have a good reason for waking everybody up at five a.m. on a vacation!" The voice was Remus's, and it seemed to come from somewhere down the hall. Lily Apparated back to her own room to change, so she didn't hear the details of what followed. The yelling, however, carried through the whole house and back to her room. Remus didn't sound pleased.

When the whole party was gathered in the living room (sans Mrs. Potter, who James had convinced Sirius to allow some more rest), Sirius took charge of handing out the presents, digging under the tree and even using a Summoning Charm until he was absolutely sure he had every single gift. Peter began tearing the wrapping on one of his presents, but Lily found herself yelling, "No! Peter, stop!"

The Marauders stared at her.

"We have to go in some sort of order!" Lily protested. Upon receiving blank looks, she continued, "You know, youngest to oldest or something. That's what we always do at my house, and it always makes Tuney so mad 'cause I'm always before her. And we don't have to do that here, but we have to have _some _form of order, because otherwise we won't all know what everyone's gotten, and that's half the fun, you know?"

"Okay," James said. "What order do you suggest?"

"How about alphabetical?" Remus put in.

"But then I'm laaaaaaaaaast," Sirius whined.

"Yeah, that's not fair!" Peter piped up.

"Alphabetical by last name, then," James suggested, rolling his eyes. "Happy, Pads?"

Sirius nodded and even put out his tongue and panted a bit to show his enthusiasm.

"All right," said Lily. "But remember—one present at a time, and then you have to wait for your next turn."

"What?" Sirius's head snapped up.

"Otherwise I'm going back to bed," Lily threatened.

"But Lily . . ." Peter began.

"One present, Sirius. Now." Lily folded her arms.

"Fine." Sirius selected the biggest present from his pile. It was rectangular and bulky-looking, wrapped in dog-themed wrapping paper instead of the usual Christmas theme. On the side was a sticker that read, "To: Padfoot. From: Prongs." Sirius tore off the paper to reveal—"Whoa, Prongs. A motorcycle servicing kit. That's awesome, mate! Thanks!"

James grinned. "No problem." He turned to his girlfriend. "Okay, Lily, you're next."

Lily's pile was substantially smaller than those of the Marauders. She and Mary had exchanged gifts before leaving for Christmas break, and the obligatory candy had been handed around the dormitory to all the other girls, and collected from them, in recognition of the holiday as well. James and Remus, she was sure, had put some thoughts into what to give her, but she had little hope for her presents from Sirius and Peter.

Rummaging through her packages, Lily selected the one bearing a sticker reading, "To: Lily. From: James (with love)." It was small and wrapped in exquisite wrapping paper decorated with fancy Christmas ornaments. Tearing off the paper revealed a little black box. Opening the lid of the box, Lily saw a pair of delicate emerald earrings and a necklace consisting of a thin gold chain with a slender emerald pendant hanging from it. "James—they're beautiful," Lily breathed.

James sighed with relief and grinned. "You think so?"

Lily grinned back. "Yes. Absolutely."

"Uh, can we keep going?" Peter broke in, fiddling with his presents.

James reddened. "Um . . . yeah. Remus, you're next."

Looking through his gifts, Remus selected one wrapped in Christmas-tree-themed paper and bearing a tag that said, "To Remus. With love from Lily." Remus tore off the paper covering the gift and then cracked up laughing. The present was a book entitled _After Hogwarts_.

"Hey, it's better than it looks, I swear!" Lily said when she saw Remus's reaction to the book.

"No, I—never mind, you'll find out later," Remus replied through guffaws.

"Well," said James with raised eyebrows, "if Moony here is done, um, finding something amusing, Wormtail can open his present."

Peter's largest gift was already sitting in his lap, his hands poised on either side of the box with his nails digging into the paper. "To: Wormtail. From: Moony," was visible for a second on the tag before the candy-themed wrapping paper was obliterated to reveal the largest box of Bertie Bott's Every Favor Beans Lily had ever seen. "Wow, thanks, Moony!" Peter squealed.

Remus smiled. "No problem." He turned to James. "Prongs? It's your turn."

James gave a small smile and lifted a rectangular package wrapped in the same Christmas-tree-themed paper that Remus's present from Lily had been wrapped in. A tag hanging off of the package read, "To James. With much love from Lily." "This had better not be a textbook, Lily," James said in a threatening tone. Tearing off the paper revealed . . . "Um, Lily, what is this?"

Lily moved closer to James and opened the leather-bound book. On the first page was a moving picture of James and Sirius as first years, fighting over a package of Fillibuster's fireworks. Turning the page showed little James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter with their arms around each other in front of the fireplace in the Gryffindor common room. On the page opposite was a picture of second-year James and second-year Lily yelling at each other.

James flipped through the book, absorbing the pictures with wide eyes. "Where did you get all these?"

"A lot of places. Hagrid had a few, the school records had a couple, those two girls who tried to put together a school newspaper that one year had some, some of your—ahem—fan girls had some . . . I sent out a lot of owls, and this is what I got."

"Lily, this is amazing."

Lily smiled and took his hand. "Good."

"MY TURN AGAIN!" Sirius yelled.

"You are such a _child_, Padfoot," James complained.

"You said that already," Sirius pointed out.

"Well, it's true," James argued.

"And it's my turn."

"Go ahead, then," James grouched. "Open your bloody present."

Sirius opened his present, a box full of Zonko's supplies from Remus, and began sucking on a Levitating Lozenge immediately, leaving him hovering six inches off the ground for the next hour.

Lily's turn was next, and she opened her present from Remus. _After Hogwarts_. "Oh!" she exclaimed, laughing. "_That's _what's so funny!"

"It's _so good,_ right?" Remus responded.

"I _know_!" Lily replied with equal enthusiasm. "I've been wanting to talk to you about it ever since I started reading it, but then I realized I should _give_ it to you, and it's been _so hard_ not to bring it up!"

"Exactly! I thought it would just be advice or something when McGonagall lent it to me, but the blend of fiction and information was—"

"Brilliant, right? And wait—McGonagall lent it to you? She lent it to _me_!"

"Okay, okay, enough talking about books already," Sirius broke in. "Good Merlin, if you guys need to take the love fest to the—"

"Shut it, Sirius," James snapped.

"What?" Sirius replied.

"Remus, can you just open your present?" Peter demanded.

"Fine."

At 6:30, with all the gifts opened, Lily and the Marauders went back to bed. So far, just six and a half hours in, Christmas was looking pretty good.

**A/N: I go back to school tomorrow, so I can't make promises about when the next one will be up! I promise it'll be faster if I get some reviews, though. **


	32. Mother and Son

**Disclaimer: None of this stuff is actually mine.**

"James. Charlus. Potter. I cannot _believe_ you. I cannot _believe_ you did this. I cannot _believe _that, after all the license I have given you, you have abused it—"

"Mum! We didn't _do _anything!"

"You spent the night in the same room—in the same _bed_! More than once! _That_ is what you did, young man!"

"Exactly. How bad is that, really? We slept. That's it, Mum—and it was the best I'd slept since . . . since Dad."

Mrs. Potter was silent.

"Well? Is it such a crime? I needed comfort; I needed someone to make me feel okay. Make me remember what it _was_ to feel okay. In my nightmares, everyone dies but me—is it so bad that I wanted to wake up with her still breathing beside me? Is it so wrong that I wanted to be able to hold her and remember that, if nothing else, I'm lucky to have her? Just long enough to calm down?"

"There are other ways to calm down."

"I've _seen _the bottles, Mum."

"Young man, I have—"

"You've had it with me. You've had a tough winter. You've had a rough several years, really, with Voldemort—"

"You said—?"

"Yes, I did. Just like Dad did. And Mum—I know it's been hard. And I know how you've dealt with it. But I'm not going down that path. I'm on a different track, my own track, and you don't like what I've chosen any more than I like what you've chosen. We're both gonna have to live with that, though, because I know I can't make you change, and you sure as hell aren't going to get me away from Lily."

"As long as you are in this house—"

"I'm of age. Can you just accept that Lily is how I deal with things, and be done with it? I don't want to fight. It's Christmas."

"Your father would not have appreciated your sleeping with—"

"With the girl I've loved for four years already? Why not?"

"Because you are _seventeen years old_, that's why!"

"How can you even tell me what Dad wanted, anyway? How can you use him against me? How can you say that with a _straight face_?"

There was a long pause. "Because I love you, James. And I know that if you do anything that you'll regret later, you will hate yourself for it and hurt yourself and spend far more time regretting it than you did enjoying it in the first place."

"All we've done is slept, Mum. I promise."

"You still—you can't—you . . . fine. Promise me that all you _will_ do is sleep, until you're out of school and employed at least. And engaged if possible."

"Of course. I promise, Mum."

"I suppose I'll let you get back to enjoying yourself with your friends, then. Happy Christmas."

"Happy Christmas. And Mum? Please, please don't drink too much. I love you, too."

**A/N: I know that was super short, but I felt like this really didn't mesh with any other thing that could happen. What do you think?**


	33. Happy Christmas

**Disclaimer: J. K. Rowling is the Great Creater of the Potterverse. I am not.**

The Potters certainly knew how to put on a grand Christmas. Lily was a little taken aback when she realized that no one else in the house had the slightest intention of going to church—she'd never been particularly religious herself, but it had always seemed the thing to do, since Christmas was, after all, a religious holiday—but traditions were in full swing at Potter Manor. Holly, mistletoe, and baubles hung everywhere; a huge Christmas tree stood in the living room, bedecked with all manor of tinsel and ornaments; and an enormous and tantalizingly delicious-smelling feast was being cooked largely by one tiny house-elf who seemed capable of just about everything.

"Moony, Wormtail—look up!" Sirious yelled, pointing above the two boys' heads.

"Padfoot, will you shut it!" Remus shouted back, seeing the mistletoe above him.

"But you have to kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiss," Sirius insisted.

"You can take my place if you like," Remus offered, running over and grabbing Sirius in order to shove him into the spot under the mistletoe where he himself had just been standing.

"I'm not kissing either of you." Peter folded his arms.

Sirius pretended to be hurt. "You won't kiss me, Wormy? After all this time?" He fake-swooned and fell into Remus, who shoved him to the floor.

"No, and I'm not kissing Moony, either," Peter reiterated.

"Yeah, we got that, Peter," Sirius said, getting up and brushing himself off.

Lily made a face at James. "Are they always like this?"

James grinned and kissed Lily on the cheek. "Well, you know Moony isn't. The other two—yeah, mostly. Except when something really serious is going on. You know, a bad transformation, or one of my—"

"Yeah." Sirius and Peter got into a wrestling match. "They're such . . . _boys_. Merlin, I don't think I've ever had to live with someone like this. More than we do at Hogwarts, I mean."

"Really?"

"Well, you've met my family. When would I have lived with a boy?"

"Fair enough." James frowned. "You don't think of me as being 'such a _boy_,' do you?"

Lily laughed. "Not remotely. I mean, you can be, like Remus can be. But it's not who you are. It definitely doesn't define you—at least in my mind."

James sighed. "Good."

A tiny, flapping pair of ears came through the doorway. "Dinner is ready, sirs and lady!" squeaked the tiny house-elf in possession of the ears.

"Food?" Sirius rose from his spot on the floor, where he had been pinning Peter, and sprinted out the door and down the hall.

Peter stood and began rubbing his shoulders, where Sirius's knees had been holding him down. "What's going on?"

"We're eating." Remus beckoned Peter to follow him, and the two set off down the hall as well.

James got up from the couch from which he and Lily had been observing the action. "Shall we?" he asked, holding out a hand to Lily.

She took the hand, stood, and followed him down the hall.

The table was spread with great bowls and platters of turkey, bacon, roasted potatoes, roasted chestnuts, cranberry sauce, bread sauce, parsnips, Brussels sprouts, and stuffing. Lily couldn't believe her eyes. Were the Potters expecting to feed an army?

As it turned out, they were expecting to feed four teenaged boys.

Was there no end to their hunger? Watching the boys eat, one could easily have imagined that not a single one of them had eaten in weeks. They devoured huge portions, and then seconds, thirds, fourths, fifths—there was simply no stopping them!

Lily exchanged a glance with Mrs. Potter. "Is this how they normally eat?"

"Merlin, you should see them after a game of Quidditch. You'd swear I hadn't fed them since third year!"

"'Orry, 'Ih-ee—we-uh hung-ee!" Sirius said with his mouth full.

"Yeah, I can tell," Lily replied, raising her eyebrows.

James swallowed. "I know it seems uncivilized—but have you tasted this food? It's amazing!"

"Yes, I've tasted it—I'm eating it right now!" Lily waved a forkful of parsnip to illustrate her point. "But that doesn't mean I plan on eating like the world is about to end!"

"But, if it _were_ going to end, I'd want to be eating this," Peter put in. "Your house-elf is fantastic, Prongs."

"You ought to give her something for the holidays this year," Remus added.

"Not that again, Remus! She's perfectly happy where she is." James took another bite of turkey and glared at his friend.

"Happy Christmas to you too," Remus muttered.

James closed his eyes for a moment. "Sorry." He shifted his gaze to Lily. "I can't believe it's Christmas without Dad."

Lily got up, walked over to where James was sitting on the other side of the table, and crouched beside him. "I know. I know it's hard. But you're gonna get through this. I'm still here. The Marauders are still here. Your mum's still here. This room is full of people who love you, James. It's gonna be hard, but you're gonna make it through."

James took Lily's hand and squeezed it. "Thanks, Lily."

Lily stood and walked back to her own spot. "No problem."

Mrs. Potter hastily put her napkin back in her lap. It seemed to have recently been suspiciously close to her eyes.

"Mum . . ." said James.

"I'm fine."

After a long silence broken only by the sound of chewing, Peter said, "I'm full."

"Fascinating, Wormtail," replied James, who was still watching his mother.

"No, I'm really full. I'm going to my room."

"Okay, then."

"Well," said Sirius when Peter was gone, "is this a time to break the awkward silence by being loud and obnoxious, or is this a time to shut up?"

"I think it might be time to shut up," Remus assessed.

"Yeah."

"I think I'll go to my room, too," Mrs. Potter announced.

"Mum—" James ran a hand through his hair and followed his mother out of the room.

Lily looked at her table companions. "Happy Christmas."

"Happy Christmas indeed," Remus answered.

**A/N; Too dark? Just right? Should my next chapter be New Years? What should happen? Please review!**


	34. To Dance or Not to Dance

**A/N: So this school year is eating me alive just a little bit. I'm really sorry for the lack of updates. I've already turned in over a hundred written pages to my economics teacher in free-response assignments this year . . . which is what I've been doing instead of this. (There are 19 more questions due Tuesday, but I wanted to get this up.) So I can no longer promise any regular updates, but I hope you'll stick with me. There's a second chapter coming tonight. **

**Disclaimer: J. K. Rowling owns it all.**

"Merlin, James, I don't know if I'm ready for this," Lily said as she checked over her shoulder to make sure that she wouldn't run into the door frame while walking backward with one of the tables that was to be used for serving drinks at the night's party. The idea had been that it would be easy to move the tables by levitating them, but it turned out that none of the teens was good enough at spellcasting to avoid banging the tables into walls and door frames throughout the house. Mrs. Potter, who still didn't approve of the New Year party at all, was refusing to help set up but had informed the group that she was _adamant_ about her walls and woodwork remaining in the condition they were in that morning, which was why the tables had to be carried.

"Of course you're ready, Lily," James insisted, attempting to smile despite grimacing due to the weight of the table. "It's just a party. Relax. It'll be fun. You've got _me_."

"Yeah, but I don't know how to dance."

James let out a breath. "I still can't fathom that." He hoisted the table higher. "Don't worry; you'll be dancing with me and it'll be fine."

"Will it?"

James set the table down abruptly, leaving Lily to feel like her arms were being yanked out of their sockets as all of the weight of the table was left to her. Then she let go of the table, which dropped with a bang that Lily ignored as she rubbed her shoulders and flexed her fingers. "Sorry," said James, wincing as he watched.

Lily shrugged, though she was still grimacing in pain.

James pulled his wand out of his pocket and flicked it at the radio in the corner. "Come on." He grabbed Lily's hands and started pulling her this way and that, somehow always seeming in time with the song.

After a minute or so, Lily pulled away, brow furrowed. "What?" she said, confused as to what, exactly, they were even doing.

"It's easier when there are more people around."

"Yeah, but . . ." Lily twisted her hair around her finger. "That's supposed to be fun?"

"Can you have a bit of an open mind? Please?"

"I don't want to dance."

"Would you have a few drinks, maybe, and give it another try?"

Lily's gaze turned dangerous. "You did _not _just suggest that."

"Come on, Lily, it's New Year's."

"James."

"What?"

"Do you remember the three things my dad told me about this winter break?"

"Something about . . . not getting pregnant?"

Lily's face flamed against her already fiery hair. "Okay, that's one."

"Um . . . don't be stupid?"

"That's two."

"The third was about alcohol, wasn't it," James said, frowning.

"Correct."

"It's one time, Lily. And not just any one time. It's New Year's."

"I'm not drinking, James, and you are not going to get me drunk just so you can—"

"Don't go there, Lily. Don't you _dare_ go there. Do you really think that's what I want to do?"

Lily tossed her hair. "You just suggested that you want to get me drunk—what am I supposed to think?"

"That maybe I think you need to loosen up a bit for once?" James yelled back. "Merlin, Lily, I didn't say you should get drunk. I just a few—"

"A few drinks, right, which, in a female who's five-foot-four and has no experience with alcohol—"

"Oh, give it up already!"

"Why should I? You're trying to compromise me!"

James's knees suddenly seemed to fail and he crumpled to the ground, nearly banging his head on the table he and Lily had been moving. Lily's anger dissipated as she saw her boyfriend on the ground, and she rushed to him, knocking her hip against the table, and knelt, banging her elbow. Ignoring the pain, she put a hand on James's shoulder and cupped her other hand under James's drooping chin. "James," she whispered.

James looked up at her, guided by the hand on his chin. There were tears in his eyes. "Is that what you think of me, Lily?"

"What?" Lily had already forgotten what, exactly, the argument had been about.

"That I'm just going to . . . take advantage of you? That I'm . . . that I want to . . . to ply you with alcohol, just to . . . ?"

Lily sat next to James, pressing her side against his and putting her arms around him. Stupid girl. She should have been more careful with him—with her James, who had always been hard to keep from worrying and was by no means done with grieving. "No—no, James . . . I'm sorry."

"No, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said—"

"I shouldn't have, either."

"But really, it was stupid. I don't want you drunk. You're in control, always in control, and I don't know what to do with it because it's so unlike Padfoot or Wormtail or me and even Moony looses control once a month but not you, never you, and it's beautiful. And I don't want you drunk, not now, not ever, because of the control but also because that's stupid—so stupid—oh Potter, you idiot . . ."

"I'm . . . sorry?" Lily asked, unsure what this last part was about.

James frowned. "I suppose I have to explain this part. It's my mum. She . . . she's like me, you see, with the . . . well, whatever you want to call it. We hate ourselves sometimes, she and I, and—"

"Muggles call it depression."

"Yeah, that. But Mum—her response is alcohol. And it took me years to figure that out and I'd already had my first drink by the time I realized—you know, Padfoot and me sneaking around in about third year or something, wondering what it would be like—and . . . I don't see myself going her way because you cheer me up enough that I don't need anything artificial and I'd be responsible enough to get some potion or other if I needed it, rather than drinking, but—it's not like I stay as far away from alcohol as I maybe should, what with Mum and everything. There'll be firewhisky tonight, and I might have some, and Sirius definitely will, and probably Peter, but Remus won't. And I know you'd like dancing better if you had some, but I don't want to push it on you, and I'm sorry for what I said. I know what drinking can do and I—I mean, I'm not making this a dry party, but—I will definitely respect your limits. I'm sorry."

Lily didn't know what to say, so she hugged James long and hard.

"I'm sorry, Lily."

Lily kissed James on the forehead. "It's all a bit much, I know."

"Still—I should be better than this."

Lily kissed James full-on. "I love you." She stood and helped him up, whispering as she did so, "Good luck with your mum."

James gave a thin smile in return. "Thanks. We should probably get this table into the ballroom."

Lily nodded, rubbing the various parts of her on which the table had taken its toll. "Yeah, all right."

**A/N: I've been having massive writer's block with this in addition to being busy, so feedback would be very much appreciated. I really don't know where I'm going at this point.**


	35. The Party

**A/N: Second chapter of the night. I hope you're happy.**

**Disclaimer: J. K. Rowling owns the characters. (Though lately it's been seeming a bit like perhaps they own themselves . . . )**

Noise. Noise and people and darkness and sweat and heat and closeness and flesh and confusion.

And James.

He was the one reason that Lily had not retreated to the farthest-off corner of Potter manor by now in search of some solitude. It wasn't interesting to see people she knew drunk; she didn't want to be dancing, except—James. James was so close to her—sometimes he even had his body pressed against hers—and as a unit they were moving to the music, with him pulling her around and back and forth and up and down. Somewhere inside the awkward crawling feeling Lily had from being crammed into the ballroom with everyone else was a raging excitement that was threatening to burst out of her, violently, and the only thing for it was to dance.

"See, love?" James said, running a hand through Lily's hair. "Dancing isn't so bad after all."

"I refuse . . . to concede . . . the point," Lily growled through clenched teeth.

"Ah, but you haven't left yet, have you?" James countered.

"Hey!" yelled Sirius, meandering over to the couple. "How's it goin'?" He was carrying a cup that had liquid sloshing out of it.

"I just might be leaving soon," Lily muttered in James's ear.

"Fine, Padfoot," James replied in Sirius's general direction. This seemed to do the trick, and Sirius ambled away, leaving the two in peace.

"See?" said James. "Not so bad, is it?"

"I still don't see how you people enjoy these things," Lily retorted. "It's just loud and sweaty and . . ." She caught sight of Mary and Sirius dancing suggestively. "Gross," she concluded.

James shrugged as best he could without throwing off his ever-present rhythm of movement. "Eh, stuff happens when people drink. These parties can get a little weird. But—hey!" James spotted a former Quidditch captain and left Lily for a minute to catch up. He came back flushed and grinning.

"Had your ego stoked?" Lily asked.

"Bell told me I look fit—_and _he asked if you were that girl I was always complaining about being rejected by. And I said yes, and he said that you were even prettier than he'd expected from all of my talk."

Lily looked down at her skirt, which fell shorter on her than usual because she had pulled it up to the bottom of her ribcage under the top that she'd charmed for the night to sparkle. "Oh."

James cocked his head toward the magically amplified radio and grinned when he heard the first few notes of the next song.

"What is it?"

"The best dance of the night—a slow dance. You'll like this one." James put his hands on Lily's waist and slid them back until his fingers interlaced at Lily's lower back, drawing her in. Lily knew what slow dancing was and laced her fingers behind James's neck, leaning her head on his chest. The two swayed back and forth together, and James was right about Lily liking it.

_For you are all I've ever wanted_

_And with you I'm finally free_

_You are everything I need and now_

_You say that you love me_

_So here's telling you I love you_

_Please know that I care_

_You know me best of anyone_

_To you my soul's laid bare_

The song was trite, but maybe everyone always said those things because they were true. Maybe someone could be all you'd ever wanted and set you free from your demons. Maybe you could love the person who knew you best, and maybe it could work out. In James's arms, Lily was willing to believe.

**A/N: I have no idea where to go with the story next, so I'm counting on you for reviews. **


	36. The Order and Defiance Thereof

**Disclaimer: J. K. Rowling owns all of the many useful characters in this story and particularly this chapter. **

**A/N: No guarantees about any more chapters until winter break, but I'll try. I hope you like this one!**

"Boys! Lily!" Mrs. Potter's voice boomed through the house, clearly the result of a Sonorus charm. "I've just gotten a Patronus from Albus! We've got to get to the Order!"

Teenagers burst out of doors and even, in Peter's case, out of a cabinet. Running footfalls filled the house for several moments, but quickly it was over and everyone was standing, panting, excited, and secretly afraid, in the Potters' front hall.

"What's happened, Mum?"

Mrs. Potter took a shaky breath, tears already running down her face. "It's . . . Fabian and Gideon . . . the Prewetts, you know—they're . . ."

"Ah," said Remus before Mrs. Potter forced herself to finish the sentence. "Where are we Apparating to, again?"

"Ted and Andromeda's. The Tonks'." Mrs. Potter spun around and was gone with a loud CRACK.

"They're my aunt and uncle!" Sirius exclaimed. "Grab my arm and I'll get you there."

"Sirius, two things," Remus burst out before Sirius could disappear. "First, you can only take two people at a time—we can't _all_ grab your arm. So you'll need to come back for us. Second, _your relatives_ house the headquarters of the Order?"

"Aunt Andromeda got disowned. It's really Uncle Ted who's involved, but Aunt Andromeda's on our side enough to get herself kicked out of the family for marrying him. Now come on! We've got to get to the Order!" Sirius grabbed Remus and Peter and suddenly all three of them were gone, leaving James and Lily.

"Well," said James.

"The Prewetts," Lily murmured. "Fabian was Head Boy our first year, wasn't he?"

James shrugged. "I don't know. Something like that. He played Quidditch, too, didn't he? Keeper?"

"And he's dead."

"And his brother."

"I hate the Death Eaters."

James had just clenched his fists when Sirius reappeared. Luckily, Sirius was just the sort of oblivious boy to grab his two friends and drag them through space without noticing the looks on their faces.

After an unpleasant bout of compression, twisting, and stretching that constituted Apparation, the three arrived in a brightly lit, bustling house full of crying people. Lily recognized many of them from previous graduating classes of Gryffindor as well as many from Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw. Others, she remembered vaguely, had been at Mr. Potter's funeral.

Lily took James's hand as they wandered from the entrance hall to the main room, a spacious dining room packed with people sitting, standing, and leaning on one another. Albus Dumbledore was at the head of the room.

"Your attention, please," he said, and, though his voice was quiet, his command was obeyed.

"Tonight, the Prewett brothers were murdered. They were conducting surveillance for the Order on suspected Death Eater activity and were ambushed by five Death Eaters. Even now, one of those Death Eaters is being taken to Azkaban to await a hearing.

"It is a tragic loss for the Order as well as for the Prewett family. Fabian and Gideon are survived by their sister, Molly, who could surely use help from any of you who can spare it in the coming months." Dumbledore paused for a long moment, and, from her vantage point near the door to the kitchen, Lily wondered if the brightness in the headmaster's eyes was caused by tears.

"However," Dumbledore continued heavily several moments later, "we will fight on. At the moment, we need two more surveillance volunteers to take the place of the Prewett brothers, though in a slightly different and hopefully safer location. We also could use a few Aurors to track down the Death Eaters who killed the Prewetts and have not yet been caught. The rest of you may stay here, and we'll try to have a decent meeting, after we've dispatched those who are going out tonight to fight.

"So. Volunteers!" For a moment, Dumbledore looked as he did at the beginning-of-the-year feast, hopeful and excited for the futures of the people before him. Then the moment passed and his look of heavy responsibility returned.

"I'll go!" shouted about 20 voices at once.

"Wood, you will not; your wife's pregnant. Seventh years, all of you, you're still in school; you don't have the experience. Alastor, yes, it will be good to have you on the case. Dearborn—"

"Professor, why did you let us join if you weren't going to let us fight?" James shouted over Dumbledore.

"Yeah, what do you mean we can't go? We're not _children_!" Sirius added.

"And this is exactly _why _you can't. You don't know _boundaries_," Dumbledore responded quietly.

"We'll be careful!" Sirius protested.

"Professor—" Remus began.

"Alastor, Dearborn, take the Prewetts' place. Dodge, Bones, Fenwick, find the Death Eaters who killed the Prewetts any way you can and _get them to Azkaban_ if possible. Go."

The cacophony of five Apparations filled the air, and then there was silence.

"Now," said Dumbledore, "I see all of the students I invited have arrived. We have new members to welcome to the Order. Everyone, this is James Potter, son of Virginia Potter and the late Charlus Potter. Sirius Black—yes, one of _them_—who takes after his aunt and uncle much more than he takes after his parents. Remus Lupin, their friend and the brains of the group. Peter Pettigrew, another friend of theirs. Lily Evans, the Muggle-born genius. Mary McDonald, another Gryffindor of note from their year. Frank Longbottom, son of Augusta Longbottom. Alice Rivers, daughter of Alexandra and Henry Rivers. Marlene McKinnon, Gryffindor of note."

There was a round of applause, and Lily had the distinct feeling that she was being looked up and down by several pairs of eyes.

"We're thrilled to have our ranks swelled so considerably—I do believe these are all of the seventh-year Gryffindors currently enrolled at Hogwarts.

"Now, we have planning to do. We know that there are at least three Death Eaters at work in the Ministry, one employed as an Auror and two in the Department of Mysteries. We do not know who they are, though we have a good idea of who they are _not._ Those of you who work at the Ministry or have connections there would be good to seek out these individuals, ascertain whether they are acting of their own volition or under an Imperius Curse, and alert the Order with any information you have so that we can determine how to proceed.

"Those of you at Hogwarts, teachers and students alike"—Lily looked around and was surprised to notice Professors McGonagall and Flitwick in attendance—"have perhaps both the hardest and simplest role. Under no circumstances are you to isolate Slytherins. Recruit those you can from Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, and Ravenclaw—seventh years only, please—but take care also to give no Slytherins who have not already defected reason to do so.

"Those of you out of school and particularly those of you without children, please consider joining our regular patrol force if you have not already. What we have, we'll share, if it will enable you to stop working and fight the Death Eaters full time.

"Aurors, continue doing your jobs. We need representation at the Ministry if we're ever going to get the Death Eaters into Azkaban.

"Everyone, use all of the protection and concealment charms you know. Protect your family, your neighbors, and as many Muggles as you can. Simple actions can save lives if you just take the time to help.

"Please support Molly Weasley and her family in the coming months as she mourns her brothers. She and Arthur have three young children and could use childcare, food, and help with chores to maintain their peace of mind in this challenging time.

"Those of you with information about whereabouts or identities of Death Eaters, speak now."

"My whole family," said Sirius immediately. "Except for Aunt Andromeda and Uncle Ted, obviously. But my brother's gone, too, even though he's just in sixth year. Number 12 Grimmauld Place should be crawling with Death Eaters by now, unless the motherf—"

"Thank you, Sirius. We knew about your family, though not your brother specifically. You're sure?" Dumbledore asked.

"Yeah. And I can get you to any house owned by my relatives."

"Thank you. Anyone else?"

"Wilkes is confirmed," someone offered.

"And where is he?" Dumbledore asked.

"He was at the Ministry two weeks ago, complaining about—"

"Where is he _now_?"

"I don't know, Sir."

"Anyone else?"

"Evan Rosier is confirmed. Hiding out in Derbyshire somewhere."

"Thank you. Anyone else?"

There was silence.

"Very well. That should be all, except—oh, Mr. Lupin, I'd like to speak to you."

Chatter broke out around the room, as well as renewed sobbing, while Lily and James looked at one another and shrugged. Remus made his way past them, fighting the crowd all the way as he tried to get to Dumbledore. "I can get back to the house," he said. "You guys go ahead."

James and Lily attempted to thread their way through the crowd but decided it was more interesting to listen. They were a part of the Order! Everywhere, people were talking about Death Eaters they'd fought, protection charms they'd placed, and jobs they'd done for Dumbledore.

Then Sirius was beside the couple. "We should go, Prongs."

"Back to the house? Are you kidding, Padfoot? We're here with the Order! We can't just leave."

"Not to the house, you dolt—to find the Death Eaters who killed the Prewetts!"

"But Dumbledore said—"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "You can stay, Lily. But nobody's going to win this war by sitting tight every time someone says so."

"So where are we going?" James asked.

"The Prewetts lived in Norfolk. We could start there."

"Who's coming?"

"You guys aren't seriously thinking of going!"

"Of course we are."

"I thought you and I could go, Prongs."

"We should get Moony."

"He's talking to Dumbledore."

"He deserves to know where we are. And Dumbledore's right—he's the brains of the group."

"Hey!"

"C'mon, Padfoot, we need him."

"And I suppose neither of you thought of asking _me_?"

"Lily, it's too dangerous," James objected at the same time as Sirius said, "You're the one who said we shouldn't go at all."

"If you guys are going, I'm going," Lily insisted, crossing her arms and spreading her feet wide.

"Well, I'm not arguing with the redhead," Sirius said. "You want a go at it, Prongs?"

"Lily, you—"

"I'm the reason Snape didn't succeed in killing you."

"We're wasting time. Lily, come if you want."

"We're not going without Moony," James argued.

"Fine," Sirius gave in.

"What happens if we don't find anybody?" Lily asked.

"We go home." Sirius shrugged.

"But first we check the Ministry," said James. "Anyone hanging out there this time of night is suspicious."

Remus appeared beside them, took one look at the three, and said, "So I suppose we're not bringing Wormtail."

"Right," Sirius and James said as one.

"And I suppose there's no talking you two out of going. You're coming, Lily?"

"Yep," Lily affirmed.

"Black, Potter, Evans, Lupin, you didn't really think I couldn't hear you, did you?" Professor McGonagall seemed to have snuck up on the group. "You heard the headmaster. You don't have the experience to—"

There was a crack as Sirius Disapparated.

"Well, I suppose now we're all going," McGonagall said. "And yes, you are bringing me. You need someone with experience. Now, on the count of three. One, two . . ."

And then there was nothing but blackness as they all Disapparated from the Tonks' house together.

**A/N: Thanks for those of you who reviewed last time to give me ideas! I would very much appreciate more of the same from you and all of my readers!**


	37. 11 pm in the Middle of Nowhere

**Disclaimer: No matter how much fun I have with these characters, they'll never be mine.**

"Mr. Black, you are in complete defiance of the Headmaster!" McGonagall hissed once everyone had arrived in Norfolk.

"Yeah, yeah—why did he ask us to join the Order if he wasn't going to let us fight?" Sirius shot back, also keeping his voice low.

"You weren't the only ones he denied!" McGonagall pointed out. "Wood—"

"Wood's wife is pregnant; that's different," Sirius insisted. "I don't have anyone counting on me! If I die—"

"I am not _letting_ you die tonight, Padfoot," James interrupted.

"But if I _were _to die tonight, it would be okay, because—"

"It would _not_ be okay!" James and Remus broke in together.

"I haven't gotten anybody pregnant!" Sirius shouted, forgetting to keep his voice low.

No one seemed able to help laughing. Lily felt her insides cramp long before the moment stopped seeming ridiculous. Here were three Marauders, the Head Girl, and _Professor McGonagall_ out in the middle of nowhere in Norfolk at 11 p.m. and Sirius was yelling about not having gotten anybody pregnant. Even the professor was doubled over laughing.

Finally, McGonagall straightened up and said, "All right, what's the brilliant plan?"

Everyone turned to Sirius, who said, "Um, well . . . I was thinking we would find some Death Eaters."

"And how, Mr. Black, would we do that? Are you expecting them to appear for you out of thin air or do you have some new variation of the Summoning Charm? Because, if so, I would be very interested to see it."

"Um, I . . . I mean, I thought . . ."

"Did you? Did you think _at all_, Mr. Black? Or did you come rushing out here with no plan and no idea of what you were going to do?"

"Actually, I figured four unprotected teenagers would make a pretty good target. I thought we'd be spotted, attacked, and then we would duel our way out of whatever situation we'd gotten ourselves into."

"Really, Padfoot?" Remus sighed. "I wouldn't have followed you if I knew _that's _all you'd come up with. Next time, let me make the plan, all right?"

"Or me," added Lily.

"Your plan would be 'Go back to Potter Manor,'" Sirius sneered.

"Well, _your_ plan is 'Go be a sitting duck and see who attacks us,'" Lily countered.

"So, in effect, neither of you would have accomplished anything," Professor McGonagall summarized.

"I would have kept us safe, at least!" Lily said, feeling a need to justify herself to her favorite professor.

"Keeping oneself safe is not exactly what the Order of the Phoenix is supposed to do, Miss Evans. However, one does need a bit of common sense, which Mr. Black here seems to lack. Now, does any of you know where the Prewetts were actually stationed or where current Death Eater strongholds are located?"

There was a general mumbling of "no."

"Very well. The Prewetts were stationed at Lestrange Manor, suspected to be a hotbed of Death Eater activity and known to be visited at least occasionally by You-Know-Who himself," McGonagall revealed. "However, the Death Eater who's headed to Azkaban for the murder is Antonin Dolohov, not native to England at all, which doesn't give us many clues as to where his fellow conspirators are hiding out."

"Well, let's go to Lestrange Manor. I've been there more times than I can count," Sirius said.

"And what are we going to do, show up in the front hall and say we've heard they have terrific firewhisky? Use your head, Padfoot!" Remus exhorted.

"We could at least arrest my cousin Bellatrix."

"You underestimate her, Mr. Black," McGonagall countered. "I suspect the five of us could handle her, though it would be a struggle. _There's_ a woman who doesn't mind using Unforgivable Curses every time she gets a chance. Not my favorite student, I'll tell you. But Bellatrix is not alone at Lestrange Manor. Rodolphus lives there, too, of course, but Rabastan is there as well. The house is also frequented by the Malfoys, and I don't suppose you think that each of you could single-handedly take on a Death Eater while I handled Bellatrix, do you?"

"There were just two Prewetts on the house," Lily said, trying to work out the whole mess in her head.

"Yes, but they weren't fighting," explained McGonagall. "They were doing surveillance. Had You-Know-Who shown up while the Prewetts were there, the whole Order would have known in minutes. Well, if he'd used the door. Apparation does make things more complicated."

"You know what I think?" James said. "Lestrange Manor needs a _map_."

"_Yes_," Sirius moaned, as if the very thought gave him physical pleasure.

"What?" McGonagall asked.

"You'll find out after we graduate sometime," Remus said. "If, I mean, you ever find out."

"We still don't have a plan," Lily fretted.

"Yes, but we—look, Lily, do you think McGonagall came with us all the way here to tell us we were wrong in thinking we knew what we were doing? If we've got her, then we'll get something done tonight," Remus reasoned.

"We're going to look for Rosier. Dumbledore hasn't appointed a team to him yet, since we just found out where he is. To Derbyshire!" With that, McGonagall Disapparated.

"Y'know, I think this might be one of the weirdest nights of my life," Remus said. "And that's _saying_ something."

"Just remember," James replied, "Padfoot hasn't gotten anybody pregnant."

"I _haven't_!" Sirius insisted.

Once they were all in Derbyshire, everyone was still at a bit of a loss for what to do. "We could still make ourselves a target," Sirius suggested. "I have some Fillibuster's fireworks in my pocket—I mean, no I don't, Professor, of course not—wait, it's still the holiday, never mind, I do have fireworks."

"And you wonder, Mr. Black, why I don't trust you."

"Making ourselves a target would just attract Muggle attention, wouldn't it?" Lily said.

"We can't just scour every inch of the county," James argued.

"I'm beginning to think we don't have much power here, acting without an assignment," said Remus.

"_Avada Kedavra_!" a voice yelled, and a jet of green light came racing toward the group.

**A/N: Cliffhanger. :) Please review/favorite/follow! **


	38. A Few of Sirius's Relatives

**Disclaimer: So not mine.**

**A/N: By the way, the Internet is an amazing thing. Wikipedia has pages about the Death Eaters, the Order of the Phoenix, Dumbledore's Army, the Ministry of Magic, and a bunch of other Harry Potter-related topics, and then I found an excellent Black Family Tree online that's helping me get all of my Death Eater characters. By the way, Sirius is related to just about every Slytherin who's ever shown up in the entire series, by blood, marriage, or both.**

Everyone dropped, flattening their bodies against the ground. "I told you so," Sirius muttered through a mouthful of snow.

McGonagall was the first to stand, jumping up as soon as the green light had passed over their heads, firing curses in the direction from which the killing curse had come. The four teens jumped up a couple of seconds later and followed their professor's example. Flashes in the distance indicated that the attacker was still active and seemed to be getting closer.

A stream of light shot between the heads of those fighting, coming from the opposite direction of the other attacks and missing Lily by only a few inches. Lily and James turned and began firing curses in the other direction as well.

The two Death Eaters came into view, one from either side, both masked. Lily and James were having quite a time handling the one they were fighting, and grunts, shouts, and desperate yells were audible from the other fight as well. Then, suddenly, Remus, Sirius, and McGonagall turned to join Lily and James, and, after a well-coordinated barrage of curses, hexes, and even a simple Tickling Charm, the Death Eater collapsed under the sheer number of spells and fell to the ground.

"Well," McGonagall said, dusting off her hands, "I concede defeat, Mr. Black. Being a sitting duck seems to be a decent form of Death Eater-attraction. _Pertificus totalus! Silencio! Expelliarmus!_" She silenced and immobilized the two Death Eaters and caught their wands deftly as they came flying toward her. "If two of you would be so kind as to use _Mobilicorpus_—oh, and tie them up, too—we should be able to get back to headquarters before Albus leaves, and he can get these two to Azkaban or the Wizengamot. If you could conjure some blindfolds, too—we don't want them knowing where we are, and Obliviating people isn't failsafe."

"Professor, there's a spell . . . um, Severus invented it . . . _Muffliato_. It basically blocks people's ears."

"And why, Miss Evans, did Mister Snape feel the need to invent such a spell?"

Lily scraped her toe through the snow on the ground. "He—you know—I mean, he _first_ used it so nobody would know we were meeting when we got together in alcoves around Hogwarts. We'd meet outside while it was nice, but I didn't like the cold much, so we'd meet in corners and such and then he'd use _Muffliato_ and Disillusionment charms so that no one would see us and bother us. He's a genius, Professor. I mean . . . he was."

"He still is, Miss Evans."

"Yes, but he's . . ."

"I know. In any event, use _Muffliato_ and a blindfold," McGonagall called to the boys, who were already tying up the Death Eaters.

"It's Cygnus!" Sirius yelled suddenly.

"What? Where? Who?" Lily shouted, too startled to keep from reacting.

"The Death Eater! It's Cygnus! It's my uncle!"

"Really?"

"We've got a woman over here!" James called, speaking of the Death Eater he and Remus were tying up together.

"I bet it's my Aunt Druella!" Sirius responded.

"But . . . Druella is Evan Rosier's sister!" McGonagall exclaimed.

"Yeah. I'm related to just about every Death Eater out there by blood, marriage, or both. It's sick and disgusting and I hate it, and did you know James is my second cousin? And also my third cousin, because my parents are first cousins, so James is my second cousin on my mom's side and my third cousin on my dad's side?"

"That is so messed up," Lily said. "But you and James being cousins explains so much. So does your parents being cousins. You do seem a little inbred."

"Hey!"

"_If you would be so kind as to focus_," McGonagall broke in, using her most dangerous teacher voice. The place fell silent as the boys finished tying up the Death Eaters, mobilized them, and brought them back to where McGonagall and Lily were standing. "Now, you've used _Muffliato_?" McGonagall asked, checking that the blindfolds were thick enough and tight enough to block out all light.

"Yes," answered the Marauders.

"All right, back to the Tonkses', then. Hold tight to the Death Eaters." She Disapparated, as did her students.

The Tonkses' house was still clearing of members of the Order of the Phoenix when the five returned. Several people stumbled back, startled, as the odd group appeared. It was only then that Lily started shivering, having not noticed the cold in all the thrill and fear of the past half-hour outside.

"Is Albus still here?" McGonagall asked the crowd in general.

"Yes, Minerva?" Dumbledore replied, walking out of the kitchen with a mug in his hands.

"These foolish recruits of yours got off and wanted to do Death Eater-hunting without so much as a plan for how to find a Death Eater. I followed them and told them to go to Derbyshire, where Rosier apparently is, because they'd gone to Norfolk because the Prewetts had lived there, and as soon as we got to Derbyshire we were ambushed by these fine specimens here. Sirius has identified the man as Cygnus Black."

Sirius lifted the female Death Eater's mask. "And this is Aunt Druella, born Druella Rosier but now Druella Black. Evan Rosier's sister, wife of my Uncle Cygnus." He stood up very straight, looking proud of himself. It was not, Lily noticed, his usual smug, lazy expression that suggested that he was the greatest simply because he was Sirius Black; this pride had more real happiness in it, as if Sirius were glad to have finally done something useful. Perhaps it was harder than she had thought to be a Black in Gryffindor.

"Thank you," Dumbledore said, "and well done, Sirius. Welcome, all of you, to the Order. Please bear in mind that it's best make a plan before you run off next time. Now, I ought to be taking these two to the Wizengamot, and you four should probably get back to Potter Manor before Dorea and Peter get too worried."

"Well, all's well that ends well," Remus said. "That's Shakespeare, right?" He glanced at Lily.

"Yep," Lily confirmed.

"Who?" Sirius asked.

Lily shook her head and Apparated back to Potter Manor before she could say something she'd regret.

**A/N: You guys are so spoiled. Three chapters in one day! This might be the last you hear from me for about a month, so happy holidays if I don't get any more chapters up until then! Reveiws are **_**amazing**_**, by the way.**


	39. Transfiguration

**Disclaimer: They're not mine.**

**A/N: The characters totally ran away from me in this chapter. I hope you like it, but, more than that, I'd love to know what you think about this chapter and about what should happen next!**

"Morning, professor."

"Good morning to you as well, Mr. Black. I trust you had a pleasant holiday?"

"I ran into a few of my relatives, actually," Sirius replied, smirking. "Not my favorite people in the world."

Professor McGonagall's lips began to lose their color as she pressed them together. "Christmas . . . is a time . . . for family," she managed.

"Ah, but when your aunt and uncle swoop in on you and your friends and your Transfiguration professor in the middle of the night out of nowhere and they're screaming Unforgiveable Curses, that whole thing changes a bit, in my opinion. Family is great only until they try to kill you."

"I must agree, Mr. Black, but that is a rather unusual kind of family. Then again, the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black has always been a bit on the . . . fratricidal side."

"Wait, _what_?" demanded Frank Longbottom from the doorway to the Transfiguration classroom. "Who tried to kill—what happened?"

"Oh, no worries, my Uncle Cygnus and my Aunt Druella just tried to murder Prongs, Moony, Lily, Minnie, and me the other night. Quite normal, really."

"_What_ did you just call me, Mr. Black?" The lips could not get much whiter; already they were a shade reminiscent of the snow into which the unconscious Cygnus and Druella had fallen only a few nights prior.

Sirius grinned, perhaps reasoning that he could hardly attract more of McGonagall's wrath than he already had. "Oh, come on, Minnie, we've already fought the forces of evil together—what's the harm in a little nickname?"

"_What's the harm_? Mr. Black, if you do not see the inherent harm in such a public form of disrespect, of—_informality_—I will put it into terms you can understand: No Quidditch for a week. You will spend the time in my office serving detention instead."

"But Professor—" It was James who objected now, and his voice was the most polite he could muster, eyes focused firmly on the floor.

"You heard me, Potter. It might be smart to find a replacement Beater. Mr. Black here may need more detentions to learn his manners."

"Professor, the House Cup—"

"Potter, I would think you of all people would have enough of a sense of perspective to realize that the House Cup is a pretty chalice whose owners have the right to strut a bit more than the average student. And since you've never had much of a problem strutting, I don't see what the big—"

"Professor!" said Lily as she saw James's fists clenching dangerously and worked to pry them apart before his nails cut into his skin. "After all the pain spent _gaining_ that perspective, perhaps it would be nice to _win_ something for a change?"

"Miss Evans, would you like to take Mr. Potter to the hospital wing?" the professor suggested rather than answering the question.

"Yes, Professor." Lily took James's hand as gently as she could and led him from the room.

As soon as the couple was in a stairwell, James turned and pounded his fist into a wall. "Damn it!" he shouted, and then cocked his head, as if listening for the echoes of his voice through the stone spiral staircase. When the echoes had died out, he sank back against the wall, tilting his head back and closing his eyes. "Damn it," he repeated, whispering now. "Damn it, that was _Transfiguration_."

"Professor McGonagall seems to be figuring some things out," Lily replied, not knowing what to say.

"It's supposed to be my best class and now I can't even last five minutes? Pathetic," James muttered, eyes still closed.

Lily leaned against the wall next to him and turned to kiss his cheek. "It's been a hard couple months, James. You're still brilliant at Transfiguration. You always have been. I remember when we were first years, and you were the only one who could get your match to turn into a needle, and I was _so_ jealous and I wanted to know how you were doing it, because _I_ was supposed to be the smart one, just Remus and me, and I thought you were an idiot, obviously, from the train, and then suddenly you could do Transfiguration better than anybody? Merlin, it drove me crazy!" As she talked, Lily coaxed James into a standing position and began walking, hoping he was distracted enough by the story to not realize what she was doing. "I never understood how you were so good at Transfiguration, especially when you were always so disruptive during class . . . it just didn't make any sense! But you're a natural, James. I know you are. I've known that for a long time—so long. And I hated you for it, and now I love it. I love you." She gave his hand a gentle squeeze, glad that he was walking, at least.

"Lily?"

"Yeah?"

"Why . . . why do you get good grades?"

"I don't know what else to do, I guess. I mean, I know there are a lot of other ways I could spend my time, but it just feels . . . I don't know; it's complicated. Why?"

"Is there this great feeling of power that comes with getting something right, doing something well?"

"I suppose so, yeah."

"Transfiguration."

"You'll go back on Wednesday."

"Not today?"

"The hospital wing, James. I'm sorry, but . . ."

"I'm all right, Lily—I swear."

"You tried to break the skin of your palms because of an offhand remark."

"An offhand remark about how the past year has gone, from my favorite teacher, in which she insinuated that I'm childish even after everything."

"James . . . you hurt yourself too much. I think it's time for some potions."

"I don't . . . can we do this later?"

"Why do you want to go to class so much?"

"'Cause it's _Transfiguration_!"

"All right, all right. But I'm setting up my collapsible cauldron later and making you some—screw it, can I put a Cheering Charm on you?"

"Lily—I'm all right."

"You are _not_—"

"I know myself better than you do. You can trust me on this one. I'm all right."

"James . . ." Lily hugged him tightly, pressing her face into his neck and feeling him squeeze back. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah. Let's go to class."

**A/N: What do you think? PLEASE REVIEW!**


	40. Trust

**Disclaimer: None of this is in any way mine. At all. **

**A/N: I'm a horrible person for not updating, I know. I actually wrote this chapter a while ago, but my computer insisted it didn't exist—I **_**did**_** hit "save," but the computer's been having issues lately, and then I was never in the mood to re-do something I already did, so I didn't update. Here's a chapter. **

"Hey, Remus," Lily said later that day as she sat in the Gryffindor common room with the Marauders, partly to study and partly to talk. "Do you remember that part in _After Hogwarts_—chapter 21, I think—when Isaac and Eleanor sneak back into Hogwarts over the summer to try to find the Diadem of Ravenclaw?" Lily and Remus had given each other _After Hogwarts_ for Christmas—each thinking the other hadn't read it—and Lily knew that mentioning it would ensure that Remus, and only Remus, would feel qualified to answer her question.

Remus's expression went from mildly confused to utterly befuddled as Lily talked, his brow knitting together more tightly with every word she said. "What? Lily, there are only 15 cha—"

Lily raised her eyebrows and shot Remus what she hoped was a significant look.

Remus's eyes widened in what Lily prayed was understanding. "Oh wait, right, no, of course—I was confusing _After Hogwarts_ with _The Seventh Years_—the themes are similar, but _The Seventh Years_ is more . . . irreverent. Not the kind of thing McGonagall would be lending out, but hilarious. Remind me to let you borrow it from me sometime. Anyway, yeah, I remember Isaac and Eleanor's escapades. What about them?"

"I think I know which window it was." Lily smiled and tried to sound breathless. "The one they snuck in through. You know?"

Remus nodded quickly several times, and he matched her tone when he replied. "Yeah. Definitely. Where is it?"

Lily grinned and stood, closing the textbook she'd been reading. "I have to show you. Come on!"

Remus followed Lily's lead, and Lily could hear the relief in his voice when he said, "Awesome! Let's go."

The two started toward the portrait hole and were nearly there when they heard James, still back at the table, call, "Lily!"

Lily froze and then turned to face him. "Yeah?"

"Don't forget patrol!"

"Me, forget? James, _I'm_ the responsible one!"

James laughed. "Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're also the one who goes off on weeknight literary adventures? Since when?"

Lily sighed. "I'll be back for patrol, James."

As Remus and Lily walked to the portrait hole, they heard behind them exaggerated kissing noises, a sharp whack, and Sirius's voice saying, "Really, Peter, even _I'm _not stupid enough to joke about _that_." Then the two climbed through the portrait hole and made their way down the corridor.

As soon as they turned a corner, Remus demanded, "What's the big occasion? You made me into a liar back there in front of some of the only people I can actually be honest with. This had better be good, Lily."

Lily bit her lip for a moment, reminding herself that Remus had a right to be frustrated and that she had no business snapping at him. "We're going to see Madam Pomfrey. I'm worried about James. He hasn't done himself any really lasting damage yet, but it's starting to feel like a matter of time. And I wish he didn't _want _to hurt himself!" Tears came now, unexpectedly, but Lily tried to finish her explanation. "I know there are spells and—potions that can—help people with—with depression, and—and—and . . ." The sobs overcame Lily's power to speak. She felt stupid and helpless, standing there in the middle of the hallway, muted by her own weakness.

Remus took Lily's wrist and led her, gently, to a nearby alcolve housing a suit of armor. He pulled her into the space and wrapped her in a tight embrace, whispering, "Shh, shh, we'll figure this out. It'll be okay. You're doing the right thing. We'll work it out. Shh." He held her there for at least a full minute, until her sobs began to subside, and then released her and wiped away her still-falling tears. When Lily's breath was nearly even again. Remus said, "Should we continue to the infirmary?"

Lily nodded soundlessly and the two made their way into the corridor once more. "Why did you use _After Hogwarts_ as an excuse?" Remus asked once they were on their way.

"The others would recognize the title, they wouldn't be interested in coming with us, and they wouldn't wonder why I was suddenly so interested in going places with you alone. Besides, you'd realize that I was up to something as soon as I mentioned the chapter number."

"I was _confused_."

"But you played along. Thank you."

"You don't just go around lying, Lily. You think about what you say and you say it for a reason, so I know I can trust you. Even when you're lying, I can trust you. I was sure you had a good reason for what you said, and I'd only find out if I played along. And obviously, I was right."

"Thank you." Lily chewed her lip, thinking. "Remus, how many of James's self-injuries has Madam Pomfrey seen?"

"The big ones, definitely. The time last year when he launched himself at me during a transformation, and that time this year when you nearly broke up with him and he spent the whole night in the shrieking shack. And the time he nearly blew up the forest, he was pretty singed, so she saw that too. And then there was a time when he dug his nails into his hands and then we worked with fungi in potions, and before we knew it he had fungus growing out of his palms. That was disconcerting. Are there any others? I think that might be it."

"No, there was one time this year on patrol—before we got together—that he punched the wall hard enough to bleed and I took him to Madam Pomfrey. I didn't . . . well, I—ahem—lied about what had happened."

Remus almost laughed. "Lily. We _never_ told Madam Pomfrey what happened."

Lily bit her lip. "Shit," she said, nearly finding it in herself to enjoy the surprise on Remus's face. "This makes thing a lot harder. Merlin."

"Yeah. We'll have to start at the beginning."

"Shit."

"Lily. It'll be okay. We just have to talk to Madam Pomfrey. It's her job to deal with stuff like this. It'll be okay."

Lily nodded. "So, we'll say we're worried about James and then bring up all the times that he's been hurt in the past and how his dad died and we think he might hurt himself and admit that we've lied and expect her to trust us?"

Remus shrugged. "Pretty much. I've done crazier things. Have you?"

Lily frowned. "I don't know—this might be it."

Remus bowed. "Well then. Welcome to insanity."

Remus ushered Lily into the infirmary with a grand gesture, and the two of them braved the entrance.

**A/N: Suspense! More like, I don't know what to write. More should be coming soon—it's a four-day weekend. Please review—it's always nice knowing what you think.**


	41. Madam Pomfrey

**Disclaimer: J. K. Rowling is the mastermind. **

"Madam Pomfrey," Remus called, knocking on the office door at the back of the infirmary. Luckily, although the ward did have some patients (most of whom appeared to have normal things like the flu, thank goodness, rather than werewolf wounds or Herbology experiments growing out of their heads), Madam Pomfrey did not appear to be with any of them at the moment, indicating she was probably in her office. This meant it would be easy to talk with her privately.

"Come in," came the nurse's voice from inside, and Lily sighed with relief—the conversation was really going to happen, and in the safety of an office, no less—before realizing that relief was premature: she still had to survive the conversation.

Remus opened the door and put a hand on Lily's back, ushering her inside. When he and Lily were both in the office, he closed the door firmly and turned to face Madam Pomfrey.

"What brings you here?" Madam Pomfrey asked.

"James," Lily and Remus said together. Lily took a deep breath and continued, "We're worried about him. He hurts himself sometimes when he's upset, and, since his father's death, he's been upset more often. He hasn't done himself any lasting harm yet, but . . . it's starting to feel like only a matter of time."

Madam Pomfrey clasped her hands tightly in front of her. "How does he hurt himself?"

"Sirius and Peter and I have brought him here several times when he's hurt himself—we've just . . . lied . . . about how the injury happened. That time in fourth year when he was really burnt, he'd tried to blow up the forest and made no attempt to get out of the way. Last year when he was all lacerated—that _was_ my doing, in my wolf form, but he launched himself at me on purpose. He wanted me to destroy him. Merlin, if Sirius and Peter hadn't . . . but anyway, that was another self-harm incident. And the time fungi were growing out of his palms, he _did_ get infected in Potions, but only after he had dug his nails into his palms so deeply that the skin broke. He has a tendency to do that—he digs his nails into his palms a lot, and he also tends to bite his lip until it bleeds. And the time his knuckles were bleeding, just a couple months ago, he had spent the whole night punching stuff because Lily was mad at him."

Lily blushed and looked down, but she forced herself to add, "The time I brought him here, back in October, late at night, with a bleeding hand, that was also from punching the wall when I was mad at him."

Madam Pomfrey sighed. "And you lied to protect him from _what_, exactly? To protect him from help?" Then she sighed again and said, "No. Never mind. Scolding you will get us nowhere now, and you've obviously realized the right course of action, or you wouldn't be here. Very well. As for Mister Potter . . . It complicates things that his father died recently. Grief is natural and can be healing in its own way. We mustn't deprive him of the things he must feel, because there is no postponing mourning, not without consequences. Nevertheless . . . he needed treatment years ago, from what I hear. I'll prepare a Stabilizing Draught—it's stabilizing he needs, not cheering, just something to keep him from dipping quite so low—and, Miss Evans, bring him here during your patrol every night for the draught. If you are not on patrol for some reason, one of you should still make sure he comes by. When he goes home . . . his mother is not entirely—_well_—herself, is she?" Madam Pomfrey pursed her lips for a moment. "Is Mister Black trustworthy?"

Remus nodded. "He knows James at least as well as I do, probably better. For all of Sirius's jokes, he is entirely committed to James's wellbeing and takes it very seriously."

Madam Pomfrey gave a small smile. "I'm glad to hear it. Mister Potter certainly benefits from having such loyal friends as you."

Lily winced as she heard it—multiple of James's self-injuries resulted from her anger with him, her disapproval, and yet she was a good friend?

Madam Pomfrey, meanwhile, continued. "I understand that Mister Black resides with the Potters over holidays. Is this correct?"

"The Blacks disowned Sirius. The Potters are his only family now," Remus explained, while Lily wondered how Madam Pomfrey seemed to know everything.

Madam Pomfrey gave a quick nod. "I see. In that case, have Mister Black ensure that Mister Potter takes his Stabilizing Draught over the holidays. Miss Evans, bring Mister Potter by tonight around 10:00 for his first dose. See if you can talk to him about it beforehand. This kind of potion works best when the patient shares the goals of the healer. Was there anything else you wanted to say?"

Lily and Remus shook their heads.

"Well, then, I commend you for your bravery in seeking help, and I urge you to update Mister Potter and Mister Black—and perhaps Mister Pettigrew—about what we have discussed. Truth and trust are better healers than secrecy and deception—wouldn't you agree, Mister Lupin?"

Remus blushed and nodded.

"Oh, one last thing," Madam Pomfrey said. "Should Mister Potter ever be in a very dire situation, summon the Headmaster. He is an extraordinary man with many talents, including gifts for listening and encouraging." She looked at the ceiling. "I think that is all. You are dismissed."

Remus opened the door for Lily and the two left the office together. After he shut the door, Remus gave a long sigh of relief. "That may well be the best thing I have ever done in my entire life. Thank you for forcing me to finally do something."

Lily managed a small smile. "Thank _you_ for making sure I didn't turn back several staircases too early."

Remus opened the door to get out of the infirmary and held it open as Lily stepped into the corridor. Once they were outside, Lily gave Remus a long hug and then said, "We should get back and tell James what we just did."

Climbing the stairs to Gryffindor tower had never been so easy. Lily felt lighter than she had in months. James would finally be okay.

**A/N: That was big. What the heck do you think? Love it? Hate it? Please review!**


	42. Acquiescence

**Disclaimer: J. K. Rowling is not only a much better writer than I am, but she's also way richer. I guess 'cause she invented the stuff I'm ripping off. It's definitely hers and I'm not trying to steal it.**

**A/N: Two-month hiatus! Wow! Sorry, guys—January, February, and March are big academic competition times. That stuff if (sort of mostly) over now, so I hope I can update more regularly. Anyway, thanks for sticking with me and please give me feedback!**

"James?" Lily broke a silence that had grown in the thick night air of patrol.

"This isn't good, is it," James replied, apparently having noticed something in her tone. "Should I run, hold you, or brace myself?" It was barely a question.

Lily sighed. "Of the three? Brace yourself."

"Damn. What is it?"

Lily kicked at the flagstones. "Remus and I—"

Lily could hear all the air rush out of James's lungs, as if he'd been punched. "Peter . . . Peter wasn't right, was he?"

It took Lily a minute to figure out what James was talking about, but then she remembered the smooching sounds that had followed her and Remus out of the portrait hole, cut off by Sirius's remark: "Even I'm not that stupid." Before Lily could formulate a response to James's fears—before she could even really consider what he was insinuating—she started to reassure him as best she knew how. She put her arms around him and whispered in his ear, "No, no, no, I would never do that. I love you, James. I love and I want you and I would never hurt you like that. Ever."

Slowly, James's arms rose from his sides to return Lily's embrace. "Promise?" he whispered back.

"Of _course_, James. I promise." She pulled her head back just far enough to kiss him; he returned the kiss tentatively.

When the two had separated and resumed their walk down the corridor, James asked, "So what am I bracing myself for? I interrupted you."

Lily sighed and took his hand. "Remus and I decided that it's time for you to—well . . . we thought maybe some—some stabilizing potions or—or something might help you. We know that grief is—that it's healthy, and natural . . . but your self-destruction started before your father died and seems to happen for all sorts of reasons, not just grief. And we—I mean, we're really worried that one time . . . well, that at some point you'll hurt yourself irreparably.

"And we're not doing this to patronize you, or to control you, or to say you can't handle things yourself, because you're one of the strongest people I—well, we, but also I, specifically—know. But this isn't about strength. You're in a really extraordinary situation right now, and it doesn't make you weak or inadequate to need a bit of help. I'm so proud of you for not turning to alcohol like your mother, and I know you're still in one piece after all this time, and I bet you could hold it together indefinitely if you tried.

"But I don't want to gamble with your life, especially without a cause, and also I'm worried that if, even for a little while, you didn't want to try to hold it together, things could get bad really fast." Lily looked at James, wishing that there were some reliable light source on patrol. Clouds covered that half moon, so she had to guess at James's reaction until he spoke.

After an agonizing silence, James said, "You might be right."

Lily was caught off-guard by the admission, having braced for anger. "You don't have to say that. You can be mad if you want."

"No . . . no. I know you're trying to help, whether or not I agree with you. And I see your point, and I suppose you kind of have a right to meddle—you more than Moony—because I ask you to help me stay in one piece when I'm falling apart. I just . . . ugh.

"I don't think you understand the . . . the guilt, I guess is what you'd call it. That I'm so rich and have—had—such loving parents and such loyal, talented, hilarious friends and such a good education and things come easily to me—and now I have _you_ on top of all that—and all I ever do is muck it up and blow it off and think I'm cool. It's really disgusting. I have—had—everything I could want and I'm such an idiot that I make jokes and pull pranks and do nothing that benefits anyone but myself, and I didn't even earn any of the money that's funding my stupidity!

"All my life, it's been kind of a relief when things have gone wrong. Like, 'Oh, Remus is a werewolf? Brilliant, something tragic that might actually hurt me! No, wait, never mind, we're Animagi and it's the most fun I've ever had!' Or, 'Oh, the girl I love hates me? Brilliant, someone recognizes what kind of person I really am! No, wait, she loves me and she's way better than I could ever deserve.' So I just—I—it's hard to want help because I feel like I deserve the pain."

"I'm sorry, James, but that's total BS," Lily replied. "You do nothing that benefits anyone but yourself? Since _when_? You keep Remus in check during the full moon. You practically adopted Sirius when his family kicked him out. You've kept me company on patrol without fail all year even when you've had much bigger things on your mind. We don't have to go into any of it if you don't want to, but can you at least take a step back for a fraction of a second and recognize that, at the very least, you're exaggerating?"

James laughed humorlessly. "I don't need to take a step back. I just need to switch mindsets. Trust me, I'm my biggest supporter as well as my biggest critic. How else would I ever be such an arrogant prick?"

Lily considered arguing—she wasn't even sure what her argument would _be_, but she wanted to tell James that he was wrong somehow—but she decided against it. Instead, she said, "I love you."

James slowed his gait. "You shouldn't."

"But I do," Lily replied, kissing him on the cheek. Then she sped up again. "Will you come to the infirmary?" She paused and received no response. "Please?"

"I—" James sighed. "You're right. You're right. Okay. Yes."

**A/N: This story is kind of a repository for everything floating around in my brain right now. If anyone has an idea for an actual **_**event**_**—ie something that is not a conversation between Lily and James—the thoughts would be very much appreciated.**


	43. Quidditch Practice

**Disclaimer: Not mine. **

**A/N: I suppose I've been busy, but mostly this story has absolutely no plot and I have really bad writer's block. I'm working on it. Forgive me?**

"Remus, where's James?" Lily asked when she returned to the common room from the library and found that James—and, for that matter, Sirius as well—was gone from his usual table by the fire.

Remus looked up, angling his quill carefully so as not to drip any ink on the essay he was writing. "Hey, Lily. Prongs and Padfoot are at Quidditch practice. It's the first time Prongs has gone since his dad died. Padfoot is really excited—for the team to get its captain back, of course, because Padfoot has been interim captain and he's not really cut out for leadership—but also for Prongs to be flying again. Prongs learned to fly from his dad and it's been a touchy subject."

Lily grinned. "I'm glad he's gone, in that case." She frowned, thinking. Her homework load really was unusually light . . . "How do you get the Quidditch field again?"

Remus sighed. "It's called a _pitch_—a Quidditch _pitch_. You must be the smartest person in Hogwarts history not to know that. And also the only seventh year not to know how to get there. Really, Lily! Quidditch is a Hogwarts tradition, even if you're not one for sports!" He shook his head, feigning hopelessness. "You go out the front doors, turn left, and walk down the hill. You'll find it. It's pretty big.

Lily smiled and rolled her eyes. "Thanks." Dropping her bag by Remus's chair—he'd watch it for her, even if she didn't ask—she turned and left the common room, humming to herself as the portrait of the Fat Lady swung closed behind her. She was quite excited to see James in action, especially in his Quidditch uniform. Though she'd never attended a game herself, she had heard from the girls in her dorm that Quidditch pants were supposed to be quite flattering. Really, it was long past time that she found out for herself.

And James was captaining, too! Lily hummed louder, happy at the thought. She personally thought that people were always happier when they were in charge of something and knew they were worthy of the power. Being in charge of something when you were unprepared was horrible, but power well earned and unquestionably deserved was an elixir of happiness and confidence nearly as powerful as Felix Felicus, in Lily's opinion. Hopefully, it would work a bit of its magic on James.

He'd been better lately. Lily took him every night to receive his potion from Madame Pomfrey, and his knuckles had finally scabbed over and stayed that way long enough for the scabs to fall off on their own. His kisses never tasted even faintly of blood anymore, so she knew he'd stopped biting his lip, and he'd gotten through all of his classes without incident, even though there had been a few remarks that had made Lily cringe and watch him closely. Lily was pleased with this, but relief was the primary emotion. She felt certain now that, no matter what happened, James would be fine.

Lily reached the Quidditch pitch and found the stairs that led to the bleachers. This allowed her to get into a seat—something she had never done before in her life, no matter how likely Gryffindor had been to win the House Cup—and turn her eyes toward the practice.

Lily counted seven students on broomsticks, all wearing Quidditch uniforms that were indeed rather tight fitting. They were flying quite high, but Lily could tell James's form from the rest, even though she couldn't quite lay her finger on what distinguished him. A couple of players—girls, it seemed—were throwing a large ball back and forth between them. Two—Lily recognized Sirius as one of them—held bats and were taking turns throwing one another balls and whacking the balls with bats before summoning them back and repeating the exercise. And through all of this, James was darting, spiraling, and whipping around as though in pursuit of something agile and erratic.

Every now and then, James stopped, surveyed the other players, and called out an instruction. These were lost to Lily in the harsh March wind, but it seemed that the players reacted to whatever he said, and then James resumed his hunt for the invisible boon.

It was Sirius who finally noticed Lily as he was summoning back a ball that he had sent soaring toward one of the girls throwing around the bigger ball. He turned and yelled something to James, who came streaking toward Lily.

"What are you doing here?" he asked, slightly out of breath from the rapid descent, as he hovered in front of the section of bleachers where Lily was sitting.

"Watching you play," Lily replied. Seeing his expression, she added, "What? Is that a crime?"

"You—you—you could have given me some bloody warning!" James spluttered. "You don't even like Quidditch!"

Lily shrank back, confused. James rarely got angry with her. "I'm sorry."

James landed his broomstick, dismounted, and walked toward her. "I'm sorry. Just—would you mind leaving?"

"Of course not," Lily answered. "You were brilliant out there, though." She started to leave.

"No I wasn't," James said, and something in his voice made Lily stop walking and turn to face him again. "Are you kidding? I was bloody horrible! My turning radius was double usual and I had no _idea_ where Ella should have been when she missed the Quaffle. I didn't even realize Janet was trying to pass to her, and it was a simple Gadwall maneuver!"

Lily was lost for words, unfamiliar with the sensation of being overwhelmed by vocabulary.

James sighed. "I suppose maybe you didn't realize how badly I was playing because you don't follow Quidditch."

"Today is the first time I've ever been in these stands, in fact, so I have absolutely nothing to compare you to, and I thought your flying was beautiful."

"Well, it wasn't. I'll see you in the common room." James got back on his broom and kicked off from the stands. The tail twigs nearly got caught on the bleachers, but at the last moment James tilted his broom upward and the back of it slanted down just enough for the twigs to come free. He soared back up to the other Gryffindors and immediately started yelling orders at the team.

Lily trudged back to the castle, crestfallen. Clearly James wasn't much better if he thought such lovely flying was abysmal. And she hadn't been trying to cause offense—quite the opposite. She'd thought it would be flattering if James knew she cared to come see him do something she'd always professed to find uninteresting—but, clearly, she could not anticipate how he would react to her.

Remus was still sitting at the Marauders' table by the fire, so Lily pulled out a chair beside him, sat down, and told him what had happened. As she related it, Remus grimaced.

"Yes," he said when she was finished. "I suppose that was a risk."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, like I said, flying is a touchy subject. He wanted to go back to remember his father and he wanted to stay here and try to forget and I suppose feeling like he was doing it wrong—like he was failing to properly honor his dad when that was the one thought that got him back on a broom—would be devastating. And of course he always wants to impress you, so, if he thinks you saw him fail . . ."

"But he was flying brilliantly!"

Remus rolled his eyes. "Prongs is just as much a perfectionist as you are, Lily, just in a different way. Imagine that you wrote an essay when you had gotten very little sleep and you'd been using a bad quill and had been rushing as a result. You'd think the essay was awful, right?"

"It would definitely be awful!"

"Right, but if Prongs or Padfoot read it, they would wish that they could write half so well."

"Why? It would be horrible."

"Yes, but that's completely subjective. In Prongs's mind, his flying and captaining today were beyond shameful. He's probably wondering why his team didn't laugh him off the pitch. And I bet that some of the other players noticed that he's off his game, but they know full well what things have been like for him lately and are far too nice to point out the way he's playing. But that doesn't mean that he was living up to the standards that exist for the captain of the Gryffindor team. He probably wasn't. And I'm sure it's killing him. And no matter what you thought of his playing, that doesn't mean it was anywhere near where it needs to be to win the House Cup. And he doesn't want you to see him doing anything badly, let alone something like Quidditch, where he's supposed to excel."

"It's a bloody game!"

"And grades are bloody letters written on bloody parchment. It's all a matter of perspective."

Lily looked Remus in the eye. "You're not just smart. You're wise. You know that, right?"

Remus smiled. "A wise man once said, 'All I know is that I know nothing.'"

Lily laughed because it was the sort of thing that you could only say safely among equals, not people you were trying to impress or people who needed to revere you. She was glad that she and Remus were equals. "Fair enough," she said. "But I do think you're wise. Will you tell me something?"

Remus shrugged. "If I can."

"How can I convince James not to be mad at me?"

"Oh, he won't stay mad for long. Not at _you_." Remus looked at Lily, pursed his lips, and then added, "If it bothers you that much—do you know how to fly?"

Lily hung her head. "No. I suppose I learned as a first year like everybody, but I was rubbish at it and I haven't tried since."

"Ask Prongs to teach you properly."

Lily shut her eyes tight. "No! I don't want to fly!"

"Why not?"

Lily shuddered. "It's so high, and—no. What if I fall?"

"Prongs will take you on his broom. I'm sure he'll enjoy it."

"What if he thinks he's doing it wrong? What if he thinks he's dishonoring his father?"

"I've lived with him for seven years. Just trust me, okay?"

"Okay."

**A/N: Review. Please. I need some actual ideas in order to keep writing this.**


	44. Flying

**Disclaimer: It's on the other 43 chapters, too. None of this stuff is mine.**

**A/N: Two chapters in one day. It's feast or famine, I guess.**

"James?" Lily said tentatively as soon as James entered the common room, sweaty and grass-stained from Quidditch practice.

"Not now, Lily. At least let me take a bath or something." James didn't look at her as he made his way to the boys' stairwell.

Lily looked desperately at Remus, who waved his hand forward, mouthing, "Go!"

"James," Lily repeated, hurrying after him and catching his sleeve. "James, please." She kissed him on the cheek, smelling the grassy, sweaty odor rising from his Quidditch uniform and not minding it one bit. "I still think you flew well, even if it wasn't up to your usual standards. And I was just wondering—"

"You spent a good _six bloody years_ saying that my head was so swelled from Quidditch that it was a wonder I didn't fall headfirst off my broomstick and now you want to talk to me about the game? Why?"

"James," Lily soothed, reaching forward to take his shoulders in her hands and massage them. "James, I'm sorry. You're a wonderful Quidditch player and I never should have said that about you. And I'm sorry that you don't feel like you played as well as you should have today, and I'm sorry that your father died and that Quidditch reminds you of him and that this spot of joy in your life might always have a painful edge now. I'm sorry. I was just wondering if you would teach me to fly. I assure you I'm worse at it than you ever were or ever could be."

James looked at his feet. "I deserved what you said. About my head being swelled. You shouldn't have changed your mind about that."

Lily took one of James's hands and led him out of the common room. In the corridor, she led him around a corner so that the Fat Lady wouldn't make too many comments. Then she kissed him on the lips and pulled him down to sit against the wall with her, keeping a close grip on his hand the whole time.

"I didn't come to your practice today to see you fail, and that's not what I saw," Lily said. "I understand that flying is sensitive for you and that you didn't live up to your own standards, but please listen when I say you impressed me. And please allow me to say that another part of why I wanted to come was that I know that Quidditch is important to you and that it's an aspect of your life that I've often belittled, and I wanted to show interest and tell you that I think it's brilliant that you captain as intentionally and compassionately as you do, and that no one with a head too swelled to fly could ever captain like that. I completely support your participation in Quidditch and I'm glad that you do it as honorably and whole-heartedly as you do, and I hope it can give you joy even though it's connected to painful memories for you.

"I wanted to ask you to take me flying. I'm a Muggle-born and I've only flown during the classes we took as first years on school brooms. I know being on a broomstick is a huge part of your life, and I feel like I should know about it. But I'm terrified of being up so high—whenever I think about it, all I can think is that I'll fall—so I was wondering if you would take me flying."

James fidgeted with the hand of Lily's that he was holding. "I don't deserve you."

"Not this again. Please."

"I mean it, though! Why don't you ever take me seriously? You just tried to do something incredibly nice for me and I told you to stop and blew you off when you tried to explain!"

Lily kissed James on the cheek again. "This is hard for you. Flying has a lot of emotional connections for you and a lot of those are painful right now. Besides, you want to get it right, and you want to captain as best you possibly can, and it's hard when you feel like you've failed. Believe me, I understand perfectionism. I don't blame you for any of it."

"When are you going to stop giving me second chances, Lily?"

"I don't plan on stopping."

"You were serious about wanting to learn to fly?"

"Only if you're on the broom with me and hold on to me the whole time."

James smiled faintly. "That . . . can be arranged."

Lily smiled back. "Thank you."

James stood and then helped Lily to her feet. The two walked hand in hand to the Quidditch pitch and James retrieved his broom from the Gryffindor broom closet underneath the bleachers of the Gryffindor student section.

"Ladies first," he said, holding the broom out to Lily.

Lily stepped her left leg over the broom and held it with both of her hands.

"There. See. It's not so hard, is it?" James whispered as he mounted the broom behind Lily and slipped his hands around her waist. "Now kick the ground, sweeping your foot from front to back and trying to make the ground go behind you. Don't dig your feet in; just kick."

Lily did as she was told, and the broom crept forward and up, coming to a stop a few feet later and hovering above the ground, so low that James's feet ruffled the grass. "Okay. You need to kick harder."

"How? I can't touch the ground anymore."

"Push down on the broom handle with your hands. That will make us go down."

Lily did as she was told and tried kicking again. This time the broomstick made it maybe 20 feet laterally and left the pair's legs about six feet from the ground. "That was better," said James. "It's harder than it would be if you were flying alone because I add a lot of extra weight. If you were alone, that might have actually been enough to get you really flying. As it is, you need to take us down again."

Lily sighed and did as she was told. This time, she kicked off as hard as she thought was physically possible and promptly shrieked as she hurtled through the air. For someone so grounded, weightlessness was unnerving.

"Merlin, Lily, you're not normally like this," James murmured from behind her. "What happened to the bossy, brave girl I know and love?"

Lily nestled back into James's arms. "Heights." Then, for old time's sake, she forced herself to stop think about how high up she was and say, "You put the adjectives in the wrong order."

James laughed. "_There_ you go." Then he switched out of the gentle, quiet tone and into a more authoritative voice. "Level out the broom and turn right. It's the same principle as when you took us down—just move the broom handle in the direction you want to go."

This forced Lily to look down, and she immediately shut her eyes and gripped the handle without any thought of steering.

"Lily? Come on, turning isn't that hard . . . just level out the broom, at least . . . Lily?" James tightened his grip on her. "Lily? Why did you want to do this anyway?"

Lily wanted to repeat what she had said earlier about wanting to understand Quidditch because of its importance to James, but she sighed and admitted the truth: "Remus suggested it. He said it would cheer you up, flying with me."

"Bloody Moony!" James took a few deep breaths. "You don't need to torture yourself to cheer me up. You cheer me up by existing. By being around me. By letting me be your boyfriend. Come on, if you don't like flying, let's get down. Can you push the handle down gently?"

Lily did so, though it took effort to think about the fact that she was flying and not scream. The descent seemed to take years, as space fell away and away and away but she never seemed to have moved, but James muttered encouragement in her ears and finally her toes brushed grass.

Lily let herself tumble off of the broom and onto the welcomingly hard ground. James joined her, lying on the grass. At first, the two lay silently, content to breathe in tandem, but, after a while, James whispered, "You know what broom closets are traditionally used for, right?"

Lily felt a slow smile spread across her face. As little as she knew about Quidditch, she did know the Hogwarts lore surrounding the dark, secluded little rooms in which players kept their brooms. The main uses of the broom closets seemed to have nothing to do with Quidditch and everything to do with . . .

Just as Lily was thinking this, she heard the squeak of Peter's voice shouting, "Prongs! Lily! There's been a summons from the Order!"

James sprang to his feet and helped Lily up for the second time in an hour. Lily felt dizzy, having stood so quickly, and it was with bitterness that she realized that she would have to wait to experience the true uses of broom closets.

**A/N: REVIEW PLEASE!**


	45. Redheads

**Disclaimer: I don't own even a Knut or a handful of toadspawn from J. K. Rowling's wonderfully magical world. **

**A/N: I broke my writer's block! I've written four chapters and think I can churn out more. Thank you so much for waiting. I will try to type up the three new chapters after this in the next couple of days or weeks. Thank you for your patience!**

James and Lily followed Peter up the hill to the castle at a jog, a silence tinged with secret chagrin stretching between them. On the castle steps, they met Remus and Sirius, and together the five made for the gate through which they could gain access to the outside world. A few yards down the path, Sirius's easy trot turned into a pelting run that caused his robe to stream out behind him, and, without so much as looking at each other, the other four began to run as well. James, Sirius, and Remus quickly outstripped Lily and Peter, but they waited at the gate so that they could all Apparate together.

"We're meeting at the Weasleys' this time. You know, Molly and Arthur's place," Sirius panted when Peter and Lily had drawn up to the others.

"In Ottery Saint Catchpole. The house is called the Burrow," Remus added.

No one moved for a moment, so James broke the ragged, breathless silence. "Well? We've been Apparating for nearly a year. It's not like we're about to splinch ourselves! Let's go."

No one mentioned the fact that, during Apparition lessons, Peter had Splinched himself so many times that Madame Pomfrey had started attending the classes to spare the other Marauders the awkwardness of deciding who would carry which bits of Peter. Instead, they all turned obediently on their heels at James's injunction, and an unpleasant moment later they were all standing in a gnome-infested garden.

In front of Lily and the Marauders rose a modest stone-and-wood house with light spilling cheerily from its windows. Ottery Saint Catchpole was even colder than the Hogwarts grounds, so the friends rushed to the door. Peter grabbed the handle and made to fling the door open, but Remus laid a hand on his shoulder and used his other hand to knock hard on the door. _Knock. Knock. Knock. _Lily worried that, clear as the sound was, it would be lost in the general babble of the Order, murmurs of which floated around the teenagers on the stoop.

The fear turned out to be unnecessary; after several frozen, windy seconds, a young woman with curly red hair and an equally redheaded baby on her hip opened the door. When she saw who had knocked, she smiled and opened the door wider. Lily smiled back. Molly Weasley—or Molly Prewett, at the time—had been Head Girl of Gryffindor when Lily was a first year, and the two had gotten to know each other a bit, Lily being a lost and confused child and Molly being the maternal type. The friendship hadn't been deep, but there had been an element of comfort in it for both of them, and Lily supposed that now they were glad to see each other alive and relatively well.

"Come in, come in, get out of the cold," Molly clucked, stepping out of the doorway. When the five teenagers were in the hall, stamping the snow off of their boots, Molly continued, "Lily, could you be a dear and take the kids to the neighbors'? They often stay with Mrs. Williams—she's such a dear and lives just over the hill—and I'd have taken them myself, but it's a bit of a walk and things have been in such an uproar since Albus asked me to host this meeting, and Percy just _screamed_ when I tried to put him down for his nap—"

Lily reached out to take the child who was squirming in Molly's arms. "Sure, Molly." The redheaded one-year-old started crying as soon as Lily touched him, but Lily, a stubborn redhead herself, took him and bounced him gently up and down while singing the first thing that came into her head—"Silent Night"—in his ear.

Molly smiled weakly and summoned Percy's winter clothes. Together, she and Lily managed to shove the struggling child into his coat, boots, mittens, hat, and scarf. This done, Molly turned to the stairs. "Billy! Charlie!" She lowered her voice back to its usual volume and addressed Lily. "You might want to take someone with you, for safety's sake. It never hurts to have an extra pair of hands when you're trying to keep Billy and Charlie in check, either. Would one of you boys—?"

The Marauders burst out laughing, and Peter, Sirius, and Remus all looked at James. Molly was a quick sort, and she laughed, too, and said, "Oh, of _course_."

Two little redheaded boys came pounding down the stairs, shouting at each other all the while.

"Billy, that was _my _bwoomstick!"

"Yeah, but mine was all the way out inna yard. Yours _used_ to be mine, anyways."

"But you _wwecked_ it!"

"I didn't _wreck_ it, Charlie. I bet Mummy can fix it."

"_What_ can I fix?" Molly asked, tapping her foot in the direction of the larger of the two boys.

"Well . . . Mum . . ."

"Billy bwoke my bwoomstick!" wailed the smaller boy.

Remus knelt down in front of the boy, seemingly on reflex, and produced a chocolate frog out of a pocket in his robes. "C'mon, Charlie. Maybe your mum _can_ fix it. I think she's a pretty smart woman, and I don't say that about just anybody."

"I'll see about the broomstick later," said Molly, glancing toward the door that led further into the house. "Right now, you two and Percy are going to Mrs. Williams' house, and I want you to be good for her. The Order is here, and you know what that means. Your job is to be good so the grownups can do their jobs without worrying about you. All right? I love you."

As she spoke, Molly summoned the boys' winter clothes with a wave of her wand—Lily had never seen anyone but Dumbledore summon anything without saying a Summoning Spell before—and forced her boys into them. Charlie was intent on finishing his chocolate and would not put on his coat or mittens until he was done, but, by the time his mother was finished speaking, he had put on his coat and indicated for Billy to help him with the buttons. Billy seemed unwilling, folding his arms and sticking out his lip, so Lily took over the job and did it quickly, and Molly kissed her sons on the forehead.

"Billy, you know the way. No getting lost, now. You know better." With that, Molly turned toward the door behind which the Order was meeting without its hostess.

James took one of Charlie's hands. When Billy made a fist to resist the gesture, James simply closed his much larger hand over Billy's. The boys shoved their feet into boots and hopped up and down until said footwear was all the way on, and then Billy opened the door on a surprised Agatha Bones, whose hand was raised to knock. As James, Lily, and the Weasley children bustled past her, Sirius called, "We'll update you on whatever you miss!"

"We'll make Moony take notes!" Peter added.

"Thanks for asking, Wormtail," Remus drawled, and then Agatha Bones closed the door.

**A/N: Hope it was worth the wait! There should be more quite soon.**


	46. Maternal Instincts

**Disclaimer: You're not J.K. Rowling either, so why would I be?**

**A/N: Second of the four chapters I hand-wrote on vacation. More to follow soon. Enjoy.**

"Which way?" James asked once he, Lily, and the Weasley kids were out of the house.

"Fowwawds, 'cause if we go backwawds we'll wind up back inna house," Charlie babbled.

"He meant _after_ we get outta the garden, dummy," Billy said, marching forward so quickly that James had to turn sideways to keep hold of both his and Charlie's hands. "We just go up that hill and then turn at the drive by the tree. Don't ask me right or left, 'cause I don't know those yet. But I know where we're going." Billy opened the gate and pulled James and Charlie up a sloping path to the right.

Lily followed and shoved the gate closed with her foot. Clouds from Percy's breath and her own obscured her vision slightly, but she hurried after the boys anyway. Too fast. The path was icier than Lily had anticipated, and—

Oh Merlin.

Lily couldn't think as she fell forward, but on some instinct she twisted sideways and gripped the baby closer to herself. Her hip, elbow, and shoulder crashed into the icy ground, but—thank Merlin—Percy did not. He started screaming anyway, jarred by the impact, and Lily closed her eyes for a moment and gritted her teeth and cursed the baby's lung capacity in the privacy of her mind. Then she opened her eyes and managed, with effort, to sit up. Ow. Her whole right side smarted.

Lily was trying to figure out how to get her feet under her without putting down the wailing Percy when she noticed the welcome figure of James running toward her in the upper periphery of the her vision. "Merlin, Lily, are you okay?"

Lily shifted Percy and winced when she moved her right arm. "Um . . . mostly? I'm not sure." She started to bounce Percy gently and tried to shush him, but she broke off quickly because her right shoulder shot pain down her arm each time she moved. She looked up at James. "Don't trust the screaming, by the way. He didn't hit the ground."

James winced, reached down, and took Percy from Lily's grasp. "You took the fall."

Lily tried to shrug and gave a little yelp of pain.

"Oh, _Merlin,_ Lily," James breathed. He turned and raised his voice. "Billy! Charlie! Come here." Percy renewed his shrieking in a hypocritical protest of James's volume.

The boys ran back down the path toward Lily, James, and Percy. Little patches of snow clung to their coats, caked their scarves, and made their hats mottled white. Their faces were ruddy. It seemed they'd just been having a snowball fight, but James got to the point rather than asking. "Billy, hold Percy. _Gently_, now. If either of you does _anything_ naughty with him, I'm going to tell your mother. And that means interrupting the Order, and you know how bad _that _would be. Charlie, stand still. I mean it. Lily fell and I think she's hurt. I need to focus so I can make her better. Do you understand?"

"Yeah," murmured the two little boys.

James nodded and then turned back to Lily. "Do you think you can stand?"

Lily tried to laugh. "I didn't fall off a _cliff_, James." When James shot her a look, she admitted, "All right, I don't know. But it's mostly my shoulder that _really _hurts, so I don't see why not."

James nodded again and took Lily's left hand, using his grip to help her up without pulling too hard. The effort succeeded, and, while moving her legs emphasized the smarting in her right hip, her lower half didn't seem much damaged. James's hazel eyes flicked constantly from joint to joint as Lily stood, and Lily had a prickly feeling that she was really being _seen_ just now. When Lily was on her feet and she and James were both satisfied that she could stay that way on her own, James let go of her left hand and took her right hand gingerly in both of his own.

"Wiggle your fingers."

"It's my _shoulder_ that hurts."

"I know! Just—just trust me, all right?"

Lily wiggled her fingers. They moved on command, same as always.

"Clench your fist."

A twinge of pain shot down from Lily's shoulder as she followed this order, but her body obeyed her.

"Rotate your wrist."

This was easy. Lily wished James would get to the point already.

"Move your forearm. Like so you have to use your elbow."

_Ow_.

Lily didn't let herself voice her pain, but it must have been obvious on her face, because James whispered, "Thought so." He put one hand on each side of her elbow and pressed on both sides experimentally. Then he ran his fingers lightly over the joint, pushing occasionally. After a few moments, he whispered a curse. A wry smile crept over his features and he said, more audibly, "Adrenaline is a wonderful thing."

"What?"

James pulled out his wand, his eyes still on Lily's elbow. "Adrenaline. It's a hormone that helps people deal with danger. As a physically mature woman, your maternal instincts kicked in when you were handed a baby. When you started to fall, it was adrenaline that gave you the wherewithal to shield Percy. Adrenaline also masks pain. It drains away pretty quickly—adrenaline, I mean—so five minutes from now you'll be bawling in pain if we don't fix your arm, but right now you have no idea how injured you are." James blinked. "Okay, you trust me, right?"

"Yes."

"Good. This is going to hurt, but it needs to be done. _Episky_!"

Lily shrieked, stoicism momentarily shattered as the spell took effect, and then drew a few heavy breaths. James put away his wand and gave her several seconds to collect herself before saying, "Move your forearm again. Same as last time."

It didn't hurt anymore. Lily managed to smile faintly at James.

"Okay, good." James nodded and gave himself a moment to breathe before taking Lily's shoulder between his hands. He pressed on it experimentally a few times and then nodded to himself. "This doesn't require a wand, but it's going to hurt, too. Ready?"

"Um . . ."

"Sorry, but I'm going to have to take that as a yes." James shoved and Lily heard a pop, though the sound blurred with a rush of pain that momentarily overwhelmed her senses. She wasn't sure if she cried out, but she was breathing heavily when she became fully aware of what she was doing. James watched her, and, when her breathing was nearly normal again, he said, "Move your arm. Rotate it. I want to make sure your shoulder's working."

Lily obeyed. The arm smarted and ached, but the searing pain was gone.

James's eyes were fastened on Lily's face, and whatever he saw there provided him enough relief for the tightness in his forehead to ease. "Right. Good. Now take a few steps. I just want to make sure you can walk."

Lily walked slowly toward the surprisingly quiet Weasley boys, heeding the path's iciness this time. She could feel the beginnings of bruises all the way down her right leg, but other than that she felt fine. She turned to James. "Satisfied, Doctor?"

James nodded jerkily. "Yeah."

Lily bit her lip. "Sorry. I didn't . . . Thank you."

James nodded a little more fluidly. "No need to thank me. I've wanted to get to take care of you like that for a long time." He turned to the Weasley boys. "Thank you. You were _really_ good. You kept quiet and it really helped me concentrate. I'll tell your mother how good you were." The older two boys smiled.

Lily took Percy from Billy's arms. The baby's crying had subsided to whimpers, and the strip of his face visible between his scarf and his hat was red with cold. Lily undid the top button of her coat and let Percy nestle his face into the warmth of the hollow of her neck.

James took one of Charlie's hands and one of Billy's fists again. "I know you know the way, Billy, and that's awesome, but let's go slower this time so nobody slips and falls, okay?"

"_Okay_," grumbled Billy, marching forth again.

The walk to Mrs. Williams' house took only about five minutes, and they only had to turn once, at Mrs. Williams' drive. Mrs. Williams was a short, gray-haired woman who didn't ask Lily and James who they were but merely ushered the children inside, relieved Lily of Percy, and closed the door with a gentle smile. From the post box at the end of her drive, Lily figured that Mrs. Williams was a Muggle, so perhaps Lily and James did not confuse her as much as Arthur and Molly had in the past, and by now she'd stopped asking questions.

**A/N: I'd love some feedback. **


	47. Auror Stuff and Parenting Skills

**Disclaimer: Still not J. K. Rowling.**

As soon as the door was shut, James said, "Let's Apparate back."

"It's a short walk, and Apparition's loud."

"But you—I don't want to risk—"

Lily smiled. "You can put your arm around my waist."

James nodded and did as Lily suggested, still not smiling.

Lily started down Mrs. William's drive, so naturally so did James. Lily lost her balance a bit on a patch of ice, and James's grip on her tightened. She gave a little shudder as his warmth penetrated her, only now realizing how cold she was.

The shudder made James's eyes traverse Lily's form once again, and he whispered, "Idiot!"

"Sorry?"

"Not you. Never you. Merlin, I'm stupid." He pulled out his wand. "Don't worry. This won't hurt. _Calefacio_!"

Lily's pants, which had become encrusted with snow when she fell, suddenly dried. Lily was still cold, but the chill's edge was suddenly gone. "Thanks. Merlin, James, you think of everything."

James shook his head. "No I don't. Not nearly fast enough."

"Yes, you do! Good Merlin, you know exactly what to do when I fell. I had _no_ idea. And I _never_ would have suspected that my elbow was hurt, too. I certainly never would have figured out what to do about it."

James shot Lily a look. "Really? I'll have to teach you. Or ask Padfoot. He's better at it—faster and gentler and all that."

"Where did you learn all of it? Why do you know it?"

James shot Lily another look, eyebrows raised. "It's basic Auror stuff. Dad taught us. It's invaluable if you're going to practice Beating or fly in bad weather or fight a werewolf or play with fireworks or whatever. Or, obviously, if you're going to make a career of fighting Dark wizards. You actually don't know any of this?"

"Why would I? I'm good at what we learn in school, but Charms and Potions are the only subjects where I can do things without being taught."

James bit his lip, but not in the blood-drawing way he used to bite it. "I suppose. Healing is first semester of the second year of Auror training."

"And you call that '_basic_'?"

"I mean, everybody's got to know it."

Lily merely shook her head in wonder.

"Sorry. I must sound pretty arrogant. I didn't mean . . . I mean, you were brilliant today too."

Lily rolled her eyes. "Sure. Tripping over my own feet and—"

"I mean it! If Percy had hit the ground, or if you'd dropped him, or fallen on him—"

"I didn't turn on _purpose_."

"No, you turned on instinct, and that's what impresses me so much." When Lily gave him a confused look, he explained, "Taking the fall and shielding the child are maternal things to do. And I don't normally get to see you acting maternal. Don't I get to be happy that you'll be a good mother someday?"

Lily blushed. "Um, James? Who said anything about being a mother?"

Lily recognized the look on James's face and kissed him on the mouth before he had the chance to bite through his lip. He responded hesitantly, careful not to push too hard, and broke away before either he or Lily ran out of breath. "You don't have to," he murmured.

"What?"

"Any of it. You don't have to kiss me or stay with me or—"

Lily closed her eyes and sighed. "James."

"Yes?"

"I'm not with you out of pity or a sense of duty or whatever. I love you. It's just—it's been _three months_, James. I know it's been three of the most intense months of our lives, and it feels like a lot longer to me, too, but it's still—early. That's all I'm trying to say."

James steered Lily around the patch of ice where she'd fallen on the way to Mrs. Williams' house and opened the gate to the Weasleys' garden. "If you say so."

"Come on, you know I mean what I say. Look, if we're going to talk about parenting skills, I have to commend you for your control of Billy and Charlie. You knew exactly what to say."

James smiled weakly. "I learned from a good example." He held open the Weasleys' door for Lily and followed her into the warmth.

As the two peeled off their hats and coats and stomped the snow off of their boots, Lily smiled and said, "It shows. But I think you're also just brilliant, James."

"Hardly,"

Lily stepped out of her boots and pulled James into a tight hug. "I think otherwise," she whispered into his ear before pulling her head back to kiss him.

This time, James kissed her back passionately, and it was only a need for air that separated the two in the end. After catching his breath, James said, "That's Dumbledore's voice. The meeting must have started."

Lily would have loved to stay in the hall with James, but instead she said, "We should get in there," and made for the dining room.

**A/N: Please review! **


	48. Get Out

**Disclaimer: I still don't own any of J. K. Rowling's delightful imagination.**

When Sirius noticed James and Lily sneaking into the back of the Weasleys' dining room, he grabbed Remus's quill, leaned across Remus to dip the quill in Remus's ink well, and began scrawling something on the parchment on which Remus had been taking notes for James and Lily. Upon seeing this, James sighed and began picking his way around people and chairs. He knew from ample experience what it looked like when Sirius wanted to pass notes.

_What took so long? Should I expect a nephew soon?_ Sirius had written under Remus's neat, bullet-pointed list of Dumbledore's announcements.

James took the quill, leaned over Sirius, and managed to dip it in Remus's inkwell by stretching. Using Remus's inkwell despite inconvenient seating arrangements was another area in which James had a lot of experience. _I wish_, he wrote. _Lily fell on the ice while carrying Molly's baby. Lily took the fall hard to shield the baby and fractured her elbow and dislocated her shoulder. Thank Merlin for adrenaline. _

_You fixed everything?_

James simply glared at Sirius for daring to ask such a stupid question.

_Right. Well. Here are Moony's notes_.

James looked over the list. Then he stretched across Sirius again, refilled the quill with ink, and crossed out Sirius's question about a nephew and his own response. Having thus censured the paper, James handed it to Lily, who had followed him to where the Marauders were sitting.

The items on this list were, of course, important, but most of them seemed minor. Dumbledore would hardly call a meeting of the Order to announce that Mad-Eye Moody had succeeded in arresting several rank-and-file Death Eaters, Henry McKinnon was watching Nott Manor, and Augusta Longbottom's house was being monitored by Death Eater surveillance. Lily looked up from the parchment, momentarily relieved and then anxious; clearly, Dumbledore had not yet gotten to the point. She and James hadn't missed much, but what horrible event had necessitated the meeting?

"That's it for updates," said Dumbledore, and Lily had to wonder if he'd waited for her to be ready to hear about the point of the meeting, but then she chided herself for exaggerating her own importance. Surely the timing was coincidental.

"I've called this meeting to tell you that the overseer of the Aurors has been placed under the Imperious Curse by an unknown Death Eater. We suspect Yaxley, but that is immaterial. What matters is that those of you who are Aurors will now have much more trouble than before catching Death Eaters. You will be tied up with paperwork and training sessions. New restrictions will be placed on which spells you can use. You may be monitored or incapacitated by Imperioused partners. If you manage to capture anyone, he or she may well be convicted, for I believe the Wizengamot is still reasonably free from Voldemort's influence.

"Those of you who are Aurors, keep your jobs if you can help it. We need at least _some_ in the force whom we can trust. However, this weakening of the Aurors underscores our need for fighters without ties to the Ministry. Many of you have already left your jobs in order to fight, and your efforts have been hugely instrumental in minimizing Voldemort's impact on England thus far. If more of you can join the ranks of the full-time fighters, please do so. As I have said before, the Order has resources. In fact, the recent death of Phyllis Abbot has left us with a bequest of unprecedented size, and we are now able to support even more fighters than before, though you will all need to live modestly. That being said, do not let financial concerns keep you from joining our ranks.

"Finally, to those of you in training to be Aurors, I have two words for you: Get out. The training curriculum is being rewritten as we speak, and soon it will be utterly useless. Take what you know, use what you've learned, but get out of the Ministry. You will be valuable additions to our ranks of fighters.

"I'd like to have a bit of a discussion with the current Hogwarts seventh years, who may be confused about where they fall in all of this. The rest of you may go, pending questions." Dumbledore surveyed the room for a few moments before nodding and dismissing the Order.

There was general milling about, and, to Lily's surprise, James stood. She made to get up, too, but he murmured, "No. I'm going to talk to Mum," so she let him go. By the time most of the graduated members of the Order had Disapparated, James had returned.

"Now, some of you must be wondering—quite logically—whether you should quit school to join the full-time fighters," Dumbledore said to the amassed teenagers. "The answer is no."

"But why not?" Sirius blurted. "The more the better, I say, and I don't see why we should bother with homework and essays when You-Know-Who is running around—"

Dumbledore inclined his head in Sirius's direction. "Quite right, Mister Black, and I expected you to raise that argument. My answer is simple: like the Auror curriculum, your school curriculum is being rewritten, but in rather the opposite way. Several of your professors have been kind enough to take my recommendation and incorporate aspects of Auror training into your lessons. I would hate to say any part of your education has been a waste of time, but the months between now and your graduation will be a crash course designed to prepare you as much as possible for what lies ahead—they will be as much the opposite of a waste of time as possible, and you would do well to keep up with them. Of course, you are all of age and may drop out of my school as you please, and I will welcome any of you as a fighter for the Order at any time, including today. However, I urge you to stay at Hogwarts and graduate with your class.

"I know many of you had planned on being Aurors after graduation, for reasons both moral and"—Dumbledore's gaze lit on James—"personal. I am sorry to stand in the way of your ambitions, but I hope you see that fighting for the Order is a much better alternative at present. Should we get out of this mess alive, any and all of you would make excellent Aurors—or Healers, or Gringotts bankers, or whatever you want to be. I will do my best to ensure that you all get the chance to retake your N.E.W.T.S., should you so desire, though I trust that you understand the importance of studying certain subjects now. Use the next four months well—I trust I need not say more.

"Do you have any questions?"

"Are there any professors who _didn't _rework their curricula to fit Auror standards?" asked Marlene.

Dumbledore pursed his lips. "Dear Professor Slughorn avows neutrality."

"Anyone else?" Marlene pushed.

"You had all dropped History of Magic, so I was spared the task of broaching to subject with Professor Binns."

The seventh years laughed.

"Any other questions?"

It seemed there were none.

"Very well. It is currently five o'clock in the afternoon. The school gates will close at nine tonight. Good day." Dumbledore Disapparated silently.

Everyone looked at each other. It was quiet for a long while.

Finally, Marlene said, "I don't know about you, but I wouldn't mind dinner and a drink at The Three Broomsticks."

Sirius grinned. "I'm in."

Alice looked at Frank. "Why not?"

Lily noticed both Mary and James looking at her. "Um, yeah, sure."

"Great!" Peter squeaked.

Remus looked around the room. "Well, all right, then."

The group stood as one, and, as the noise of still-clumsy Disapparition filled the room, Lily thought of _The Seventh Years_, the book that Remus had lent her recently. Its main characters were forever sneaking off, partying, and generally being social. Lily didn't think she could ever live like that, but perhaps, today, she could at least experience a bit of that teenaged spontaneity.

**A/N: Feedback is lovely! **


	49. The Three Broomsticks

**Disclaimer: Everything belongs to J. K. Rowling. **

**A/N: Wow. It's been two months. That's really pathetic. I'm sorry, guys. I'll try to be more punctual going forward. I have the next several chapters planned, so hopefully I'll write them soon. Thank you so much for sticking with me.**

"If we put two tables together, we should all be able to fit," Marlene said as the seventh years walked into The Three Broomsticks, having Apparated directly outside of it. "Does anyone want to help me?"

There was a general chorus of "yes" and "sure," and Marlene, Sirius, Remus, Frank, and Alice were suddenly lifting a table. Lily wondered why no one had thought of levitating the table, but then she remembered the effort to levitate tables in preparation for the James's New Year party and realized that manual lifting was probably a better idea. She took up a corner and helped to carry the table toward another one. When they set the table down, there was the matter of moving all of the chairs to match up with the new position of the table, but after a few minutes of lifting and scraping everyone was seated and staring at each other.

It was silent until Alice and Marlene glanced at each other and started laughing. The giggles were contagious and soon everyone, including the boys, was laughing without knowing why.

"We're here, guys," said Sirius finally. "We're a part of the Order. We're almost adults."

"Dumbledore trusts us!" Mary added.

"We're at The Three Broomsticks, and it's not even a Hogsmeade weekend," Alice pointed out. "Merlin, I feel grown up."

"We'd better be grown up if we're going to fight the Death Eaters," James snapped.

Lily took his hand. "We know. It just . . . takes some getting used to."

Madame Rosmerta arrived at the table just then. "Would you lot like some menus?"

The seventh years glanced at one another. "No, thanks, I think we're good. We all know what we like here, don't we?" Remus said.

There was another chorus of assent, and then the orders came thick and fast. Frank started and then they went in a circle. Lily was amazed at how well they all organized themselves. Just about everybody ordered some sort of pie or pudding. It was a comfort food sort of night. Lily wanted to congratulate herself on making it this far and brace herself for the uncertainty of the future, and she figured most of the others felt similarly.

For several minutes, conversation happened spontaneously as everyone tried to process the fact that they were really members of the Order and they would really be fighting Death Eaters in just a couple of months. For all that they'd all been to school together for seven years in the same house, though, the truth was that they didn't all know each other very well, and they weren't sure what to say to one another. When the conversation stagnated, Marlene announced, "I have an idea. Let's play Shallow or Deep! That'll keep us talking for sure."

"Ooh, Shallow or Deep. Yes!" exclaimed Alice.

"What's Shallow or Deep?" the boys asked. Lily would have been equally ignorant if it hadn't been for a few of Marlene's attempts to pretend that the dorm was actually the site of a slumber party during their first year.

"It's kind of like Truth or Dare, except without the dares," Marlene started.

"What's the fun of not having any dares?" Sirius demanded, cutting Marlene off.

"Not all of us want to get up and make fools of ourselves every ten seconds," Alice retorted.

"Then you pick Truth," Sirius argued.

"Not all of want to _watch you_ make a fool of yourself, either," Mary added.

"Just go with it, Pads," Remus advised. "We're in a public restaurant and it's been a long day. If the girls want to try out this new version of the game, humor them, will you?"

"Fine," Sirius grumbled.

"All right, who wants to start?" Alice asked.

"Do you mean for asking or for getting the question?" Lily wanted to know.

"Getting the question," Alice clarified. "Marlene can ask the first question, and then whoever got the question can ask the next one."

"I'll start," Frank volunteered.

"Shallow or Deep?" Marlene asked.

"Wait, what do you mean? You never finished explaining the game," Frank reminded her.

"Oh yeah. If you say, 'Shallow,' I'll give you a shallow question, like 'What's your favorite food?' or something like that. If you say, 'Deep,' I'll give you a deep question, like 'What's your most desperate ambition?'"

"Okay."

"So, Shallow or Deep?"

"Um, all right, what the hell. Deep."

"If you weren't going to fight for the Order, what would you most want to do with your life?"

"Uh . . . Okay, this sounds crazy, but I'd be a herbologist. Like for St. Mungo's or something. I just really like identifying plants. I know it's kind of weird, but it's soothing."

"No, that's cool," said Mary. "Plants. I never knew that about you. That's really interesting."

Frank blushed. "Thanks, Mary. Okay, so what happens next? I ask someone a question, right? Who wants to get the next question?"

"I'll go, I guess," Remus said after a long silence.

"Shallow or Deep?"

" . . . Shallow."

"Aww, come on, Remus, that's no fun!" whined Marlene.

"It's called _Shallow or Deep_, Marlene. I'm pretty sure I'm at perfect liberty to pick either option," Remus snapped back. Lily winced for him. A deep question might touch on his "furry little problem." She was almost certain that's what was limiting his choice. "Shallow, Frank."

"Merlin, now I have to come up with a question," Frank said. "Okay, um . . . this is hard . . . uh, what's your favorite color?"

"Red. With gold as a close second. Obviously. Next?"

Lily took a deep breath. She trusted Remus. "I'll go."

"Shallow or Deep?"

"Deep."

"Um—Merlin, Frank, you were right; this _is_ hard. All right . . . who do you hate most in the world?"

"Voldemort."

"Really?" Mary half-whispered. "Not Snape?"

"No. There are plenty of people who have hurt me more directly than Voldemort has, but as far as I'm concerned he's the one inspiring them, and I think inciting widespread evil is even worse than just doing evil things yourself."

"Well said," Remus said.

"Who wants the next question?" Marlene asked.

"If Lily's asking, I suppose I can go," James said.

"Shallow or Deep?" Lily asked.

Lily watched James's chest rise and fall as he worked up his courage. "Deep."

"Who's your favorite teacher?"

"Oh, come on, that's a Shallow question," Frank protested.

"No it's not!" Remus argued. "There are so many things to consider. Teachers aren't like _foods_, especially not at Hogwarts where we have the same teachers for seven years. You really get to know them. I think it's a good question, Lily."

Lily smiled. "Thanks, Remus. So, James?"

"McGonagall. Definitely."

"I thought you hated her!" Alice said. "You get in trouble with her _all the time. _Or at least, you used to."

"So? She's incredibly brave, and she has the most integrity out of just about anyone I've ever met. She knows exactly where she stands, and she's not afraid to let anyone else know it. She does what she believes in. I admire that, even if it drives me crazy sometimes."

"Okay, okay," said Alice. "Sorry."

"Next?" Marlene prompted.

"I suppose I'll go," Sirius droned.

James raised his eyebrows sardonically in Sirius's direction. "Shallow or Deep?"

"Deep. I'm not afraid of a _game_."

Remus shot Sirius a glare, though Lily thought Sirius missed it.

"Okay, what's the worst thing that's ever happened to you?"

"Why would you ask that?" Sirius demanded.

"Because I've got a couple ideas of things you might say, and I'd like to see which one you pick. Come on. Like you said, it's just a game."

"Merlin. All right. Getting disowned."

"You were _disowned_?" Marlene gasped.

"How thick _are_ you?" Sirius retorted. "Of course I was disowned. Didn't you notice how I helped my aunt and uncle get arrested last month? That's basically my relationship with my whole family."

"You haven't exactly advertised that," Marlene shot back.

"Whatever. Yes. Getting disowned was the worst thing that's happened to me."

Sirius and Marlene were shooting murderous looks at each other, but, just then, the food came. Lily's plate was overflowing with mashed potatoes, which made her very happy indeed. Over the course of a delicious meal, tempers simmered down and Lily found out quite a bit about her fellow Gryffindors that she probably should have worked to discover prior to their seventh year. Alice was terrified of snakes more than anything, including Death Eaters; Remus preferred hard rock and classical music, depending on his mood; Peter had dreamed of being a sailor as a child, and still thought it would be a fun occupation; and Frank looked up to his mother most out of anyone he'd ever met. Before any of them could believe it, they had paid for the meal and the Hogwarts gate was about to close. Full, content, and entertained, the seventh years left the restaurant.

As everyone else was starting back toward the school, James whispered to Lily, "I'm going home to talk to Mum. I know how to sneak back into the school, so don't worry about me." Before she could reply, he Disapparated.

**A/N: If you're still out there, I'd love some reviews.**


	50. Negotiating with Mrs Potter

**Disclaimer: It's all J. K. Rowling's.**

James looked around at the bleak countryside, confused. He was sure he'd meant to Apparate into his living room, but that was quite distinctly not where he was. Frowning, he tried again, but he wound up in the middle of a slightly different—but equally barren—moor.

Then it came to him. There must be some sort of protection charm on his house that did not allow anyone to Apparate into it. He Disapparated again, this time with the aim of winding up in the front garden. When he managed to blink away the dizziness, he found that he had reached his destination.

James entered the house, removed his coat, and called, "Mum!"

"In the study!" came the response, and James was relieved to hear that the words were not slurred.

James pounded up the stairs but slowed down in the hallway, inserting his presence gently into the room his mother had named. "Hello."

A bottle of firewhiskey, open but still full, sat on the table beside Mrs. Potter, along with a dry glass. Her hands rested on the table, fingers tapping erratically. "Hello." After a pause broken by finger taps, she added, "What are you doing here tonight? Has something happened at school? Are you expelled? Did you quit? Has there been an attack?"

James smiled faintly. "Everything's fine, Mum. Dumbledore gave us the evening off after the meeting, that's all."

"Then what are you doing _here_?"

"The meeting today made me think more about something that's been on my mind for a while." James took a deep breath. "When we all graduate . . ."

"'We'? Who exactly is 'we'?"

"Sirius, Remus, Peter, Lily, and me. The five of us. When we all graduate, what are we going to _do_? I mean, we'll fight for the Order, but—it would be bloody amazing if we could do all of this without asking to Order to support us."

"What other option is there?"

"The house, Mum, for one thing."

"_This_ house?"

"Think about it—we have so much space. It could easily hold six of us. We've proven that again and again. Wouldn't that be better than paying . . . well, four sets of rent?"

"I—no. I don't . . . I've been meaning to talk to you about this, too. This house . . . it runs in your father's family. It was always _his_. He's—he's not _here_; he's not a ghost, and I'm glad he had enough closure to move on. But he's still . . . _here_." She paused, and then concluded with feeling, "I need to get out of this _house_, James."

Now there was a longer pause. James breathed and then breathed again. "Okay. Okay. So how's this going to work?"

"I'll sell the house, if you don't object. It would go to you next, so I suppose I should ask. Otherwise, I can move out and you can move in, I suppose."

"No, go ahead and sell it. It's—I love the house, but I get what you're saying. It is . . . Dad's."

"All right then. I know how much rent costs, and food. I'm doing what I can for the Order, and I'll keep doing that as long as it's needed, and then we'll see what happens after the war. I'll keep as much as I need after I sell the house. The rest would be yours when I died, anyway. If it helps you and your friends fight for the Order, take it now. I don't need it."

"_What?_"

"Your father was the one who cared about being rich, James. Not me. Give me a roof and some food, and I'll be fine."

"You mean it?"

"Only if you bring down some Death Eaters."

James grinned. "I don't think any of us could live with ourselves if we didn't."

"Then, yes. I love Sirius like a son, and Remus is a lovely boy, and Merlin knows _somebody's_ got to take care of Peter, and you love Lily. Do you expect to be taking care of the five of you, with the inheritance?"

"Not quite." James ran a hand through his hair. "Sirius mentioned something about an inheritance from a disowned uncle. Alfred or something. So he might be all right. I'm not sure. Peter's got a bit of money, I think, and he might try to keep up the family business while also fighting for the Order, in which case he'd live above the shop. Lily—well, Lily would be coming with me anyway. That leaves Remus. Merlin knows how I'll convince him to let me, but I think I'll wind up supporting him."

Mrs. Potter looked around at the walls surrounding her. "There should be enough money for three of you, for a while."

"You mean it?"

"_Yes_, I mean it."

"Then thank you." James stood and hugged his mother tightly. "I should probably get back to school."

"I'll send you an owl if someone buys the house."

"Thanks. And Mum?" James said over his shoulder as he opened the door to leave the study.

"Yes?"

"Please don't drink too much."


	51. Remus's Pride

**Disclaimer: It's J. K. Rowling's, and I am not she. **

**A/N: I forgot to celebrate last time. That was the fiftieth chapter! Thanks for sticking with me. **

It was nearly eleven when James snuck into the boys' dormitory, still shivering from his run through the cold, damp secret passageway. He'd Apparated from his familial home into the basement of Honeydukes and entered Hogwarts via the statue of the One-eyed Witch, sneaking through the corridors and ready to pull Head Boy rank on any teacher or prefect who caught him out of bed. Luckily, no one stopped him, and he found the Marauders waiting up for him when he reached the dormitory.

"Where were you?" Peter asked as soon as James entered.

"Is something wrong with your mum?" Remus added.

James summoned up a smile. "No, everything's fine. It's good news. Mum wants to sell the house, and—"

Sirius recoiled visibly. "What? Why?"

"It was in Dad's family," James explained. "It reminds her too much of him. She wants to live somewhere smaller, anyway, now that it's just her." His voice softened. "I think she had hoped for a big family, and she liked that the house was large enough for several kids. But all she got were stillborns and me, and I think the size of the house started haunting her as soon as I moved out to come here." He ran a hand through his hair and lightened his tone. "Anyway, now she wants to sell the house, and she's willing to use the money from the sale to support us during the war, so that we can fight full time without having to rely on the Order."

"Really?" Remus's eyes were wide.

"I asked that about ten times myself. Apparently, yes. So I was thinking Lily and I could get a house and you three could either get a house together or look for flats or cottages of your own."

"Thanks, mate, but I'll try living on Uncle Alphard's money as long as I can. If I'm careful, it should keep," Sirius said, holding up his hands.

"You, careful?" Remus asked.

"Hey, I can be! Well . . . probably."

Peter was still looking at James. "I'll be living above the shop. I'll do what I can for the Order, but Dad really needs help with the business. I should be able to do both, and I'll have a place to live. Thanks, though."

All eyes were suddenly on Remus. "Can we do this in the common room?" he begged James.

James tried to smile in understanding, but it had been a long day and his face was not entirely responsive. "Sure."

When the two reached the bottom of the stairs to the boys' dormitory, Remus whirled on James. "You knew I'd be the only one who needed the money."

"I suspected. I wasn't sure of either of the others, but I did suspect."

"You've already given me more than I can ever repay!" Remus hissed. "You became a sodding Animagus—spent _years_ learning advanced magic—for my sake! You risk your life monthly to make me more comfortable during transformations! And now you offer me _this_?"

"A chance to use your many talents to do good in the world? I don't see what the problem is, Moony."

"It's a chance to do what I _want_ without paying for it! Don't you see, Prongs? I'm the only one here who _takes _so much and gives so little back."

James rolled his eyes. "Please. We'd all say that. We all accept Peter even though he's none too bright, nor none too funny. We take the time to teach him and bring him up to speed and make him feel welcome. And Sirius lives at my house now during breaks, and we all accept him even though his whole family is Slytherins. I doubt either of them feels like they deserve what we've given them.

"I certainly don't feel like I deserve the way you three have treated me. You put up with my arrogance and take care of me when I try to hurt myself. After all the boasting and turmoil and depression, you're all three still here, and you're still patient with me, and you even seem to still like me. So no, Moony, I don't think you have a monopoly on believing you're being treated too well."

"But you can't just _fund_ me."

"Sure I can. I don't see why you deserve a low quality of life, just because your family's poor. Besides, the Marauders _are_ a family. Or was that just talk for you?"

"No, I meant it. It was just easier to think about when I expected it to apply to someone else. It's one thing to hold you back as you lose it in the Shrieking Shack. It's another to imagine you doing the same for me. And this is so much bigger."

James smiled. "I'm just lucky to have this much to give."

"Merlin. You know this is hard, right?"

James's smile grew. "Just accept it, Moony."

Remus closed his eyes for a while before saying, "Fine, but only for the Order. And I'm paying you back someday."

James shrugged. "If you can afford it, sure, someday."

Remus scowled. "I mean it."

"Fine. As long as you accept."


	52. Levitation

**Disclaimer: J. K. Rowling's. **

**A/N: I have a plot arc that I want to get to, but I have to write Lily's birthday first because of the chronology, and for some reason her birthday is just really not happening. This was supposed to be the birthday chapter, but it didn't turn out that way, because apparently her birthday does not want to get written. In other words, once I figure out a way to write her birthday, the updates should become more frequent. **

Lily woke the next morning to find a card and a wrapped, rectangular object on her bedside table. She rubbed her eyes with her left fist and then seized and opened the card with her left hand. In large handwriting, the card said, "Happy birthday! Best wishes for your eighteenth year. Mary." Lily started to frown and caught herself before the expression grew too evident; even though Mary's cards usually had more writing in them, there was no use criticizing a kind gesture. Lily opened the present next. It was a large slab of Honeyduke's chocolate.

Lily looked up, smiling, toward Mary's bed. "Thank you." Mary wasn't in bed but was standing at the edge of Lily's. Lily realized this only after she had voiced her thanks. When she met Mary's eyes, she found herself on the receiving end of a quizzical stare. "What?"

"Are we . . . ?"

"Are we _what_?"

"You know—good? Still friends? Whatever you want to call it."

"Oh—yeah. Yeah."

"Well, I mean, yesterday was the first time we'd made eye contact since the day James's dad . . ."

"Yeah, sorry. It's just—James—he's, well . . . it's tiring. But that's all. Yeah, we're fine."

"Okay, good. In that case—in _any_ case, actually—the Marauders are waiting in the common room."

"They're _awake_?"

"Of course. It's your _birthday_. Besides, Lupin is almost always up this early."

Lily winced as she heard her friend refer to Remus by his last name. Just a month ago he'd been "Rem." Then Lily tried to stand and wound up sitting back down on the bed abruptly.

Mary frowned. "What's wrong?"

Lily rubbed her right shoulder with her left hand, grimacing. "Yesterday, before the Order meeting, Molly Weasley asked James and me to walk her kids over to the neighbors'. I slipped on the ice and fell pretty hard. James said I fractured my elbow and dislocated my shoulder. He was able to fix them both—the elbow with magic and the shoulder by shoving it—but I'm pretty bruised. I think I stiffened up overnight, too."

Mary returned Lily's grimace. "Ouch." She opened her mouth again and then shut it without saying anything.

Lily nodded curtly and shoved herself into a standing position. _Ouch_. Her right hip and ribs especially protested at every moment of movement. Lily bit her lip and forced herself to walk toward the door that led out of the dorm. The first few steps were the worst, and then the stiffness loosened its grip just enough to make a difference in Lily's level of pain.

Lily reached the stairs, looked down them, and swallowed hard. Behind her, she heard Mary say, "Is there something I could do to help?"

Lily shrugged carefully with just her left shoulder. "Not that I can think of." She stepped down with first her left foot and then her right, hating how much it forced her stuff muscles and swollen tissues to bend and stretch and rub against each other. She lifted her left foot to descend another step and then put the foot back down where it had been; her right side did not want to bear weight. "Mary?"

"Yeah?"

"How well do you think you could levitate me?"

"I mean, it's a first-year spell. It's not actually _hard_. The problem would be controlling where you go. Slamming into the ceiling won't do your body any favors."

Lily grimaced, sighed, and decided to continue down the stairs on foot. After another two steps, her resolve broke. "Can we try it?"

There was an almost-laughing catch in Mary's voice as she said, "You're the one volunteering to be the projectile."

"Yeah, but you're the one who would have to do the spell."

"You're the one who might get hurt."

"You're the one who would feel guilty if anything went wrong."

Mary laughed.

"What?" Lily asked.

"I just—I missed you. I missed this."

Lily managed to smile. "Me too."

"I suppose we can stop talking in hypotheticals. Levitation on three?"

"Sounds good, yeah."

"One . . . two . . . three—_Wingardium Leviosa_!"

Lily felt herself rising from the floor, quickly for about the first foot and then more slowly. She looked down when she'd stopped rising and, despite her fear of heights, didn't feel too sick. Her feet were dangling maybe two feet above the floor. "So far, so good," she said to Mary.

"Yeah, that wasn't as bad as I thought. Now, um . . . how do I make you go forward?"

"Try directing me with your wand, maybe."

"I'm standing right behind you. I want you to move in the direction my wand is _already pointing._"

"You could try walking around me, and directing me from somewhere else. You'd just need to keep your wand pointed at me in the meantime."

"All right." Mary appeared in Lily's peripheral vision, and Lily felt herself drifting several inches to the left as Mary positioned herself to Lily's right. Then Mary directed her wand slowly toward the bottom of the staircase, and Lily felt herself drifting in that direction. The tiny jerks in Mary's wand movements were amplified in Lily's floating velocity, but the trip was overall a smooth one and certainly beat walking. For the rest of the journey down the staircase, neither girl spoke, Mary apparently concentrating and Lily not wanting to distract her. At last, Mary deposited Lily on the floor of the common room, muttered, "_Finite Incantatum_," and put her wand in her pocket.

As soon as Lily had appeared in the doorway to the staircase, the Marauders had clustered in the area, and now they were waiting with questions. Namely, "Why were you floating?"

Lily looked at James. "Remember when I fell yesterday? I think I bruised more than we expected, and I got stiff overnight, too."

"Stiff overnight," Sirius echoed, snickering.

"Shut it, Pads," James snapped. More gently, he said to Lily, "Should I take you to the hospital wing?"

Lily groaned. "I don't really want to go anywhere right now."

"I could levitate you," James suggested.

"Awkward." Lily made a face.

"We could use some of the Stores," Peter said suddenly, sounding excited.

"Oh, hey, you're right!" Sirius exclaimed before turning and running up the staircase that led to the boys' dormitory.

"What was that about?" asked Mary.

"We have a supply of potions and magical objects that we've assembled over the years," James whispered after looking around to ensure that he would not be overheard. "It's modeled on the Aurors' Stores, but we've made some adjustments based on our . . . specific requirements as Marauders. We've got plenty of painkillers."

Lily wrinkled her nose. "Exactly _how_ illegal is this?"

Remus sighed. "Substantially less illegal than becoming unregistered Animagi, so at this point I let it go. Besides, can you imagine trying to get any of these blokes to actually _take_ painkillers, when they're the one that's hurt? We have almost all the painkilling potions we started with. This is the opposite of drug abuse."

Just then, Sirius came thundering back down the stairs. He reached the cluster of Lily, Mary, and the Marauders and took a moment to catch his breath. Then he plunged a hand into his robes and drew out a small vial. "Drink it fast. It tastes like hippogriff piss, but it's strong and fast-acting. Five minutes and you won't feel a thing."

"Am I going to be totally numb?" Lily asked, alarmed.

"That has to be better than your current state," Mary pointed out."

Lily took the vial in her left hand and then stared pointedly at Sirius.

"What?"

"I can't lift my other arm."

"So?"

"The cork."

"Oh. Right."

After Sirius uncorked the vial, Lily downed its contents. As she had feared, she felt an almost overpowering urge to throw up. Instead of giving in, she dropped he empty vial, drew her wand with her left hand, pointed it at her mouth, and said, "_Agumenti_." Water jetted from her wand into her mouth and she swallowed hard before repeating the process and swishing the water around in her mouth before swallowing. "Ew."

"I told you."

**A/N: If anyone's still reading this, feel free to say hi or tell me what you think. Or give birthday ideas. **


	53. The True Meaning of Fun

**Disclaimer: It all belongs to J. K. Rowling, and I'm not trying to steal anything.**

**A/N: At the prodding of a guest reviewer named N, I'm posting this. It's a sort of obligatory snowball fight scene, because every sappy Marauders-era fic has to have one at some point, right? **

"So, any plans for your birthday, Lily?" Sirius asked when the girl in question had finished drinking the potion.

"Well, it's Monday, so we've all got Potions first, and then break—I was thinking I might . . . I don't know, actually take a _break_ during break today, depending on how much homework we get, of course—and then there's Defense against the Dark Arts and then lunch and then we have Transfiguration, and by that point we'll _definitely_ have homework, so I was thinking I'd do that tonight, but I'd try to wrap up early and give myself a bit of time to read because it's my birthday, and then I'll go on patrol with James, obviously, and I'm guessing that'll be fun . . ."

"You really don't know what the word 'fun' means, do you?" asked Sirius, who was staring at her with his head cocked to one side, dark hair brushing his left shoulder.

"Um . . ." Lily tried to recall the definition from the abridged version of the Oxford English Dictionary that her parents had given her as a Christmas present when she was ten. The words didn't quite come, so she improvised. "An adjective or noun having to with enjoyment and pleasure? So in this case, an adjective describing the expected enjoyable nature of patrol with James?"

Sirius narrowed his eyes and continued to stare at her. "I have no idea what you just said, so you're obviously wrong, because the true meaning of fun is something I know _very well_."

Lily, Mary, and the other Marauders laughed. "You should learn your parts of speech," Lily advised.

"Now _that_ does _not_ sound like _fun_," Sirius said slowly, as if Lily were somewhat dimwitted. "You've got to do something fun on your birthday!"

"No I don't!" said Lily hastily, thoroughly unenthusiastic about the prospect of getting pulled into a crazy Marauder scheme. "I get to do what I want on my birthday! Isn't that the point? And what I want to do is have a normal day and not start the week off by getting behind on homework!"

"Come on, Lily, you can afford to take a bit of time off," James wheedled. "Sirius is right. You should do something really fun today. Merlin knows you work too hard. It doesn't have to be Sirius's definition of fun, but you should do something."

Lily pursed her lips. "Fine. What do _you _suggest?"

"I don't know. It's your day."

"How about . . . a snowball fight?" Remus suggested.

"Yeah! A snowball fight!" Peter echoed.

"Oh, just what I need," Lily moaned, feeling like she was getting pins and needles in all of her extremities as the numbing potion took effect. "_More_ frozen water in my life."

"Wait, frozen water? What do you mean?" James asked.

"Snow, ice—you know, they're both types of frozen water," Lily replied.

"They _are_?" said Peter and Sirius in unison.

"Oh Merlin. You guys have actually never taken a science class," Lily said, realizing.

"What's science?" Sirius asked.

"There's not really time to explain that right now. My original point was basically that it seems like tempting fate to go out and have a snowball fight right after I've taken a bad fall on ice."

"Tempting fate is what the Marauders do best, Lily. Surely you've noticed that by now," Remus said.

"All right, yes."

"So, what do you say? Shall we have a snowball fight?" James asked, holding out his arm to her with mock gallantry.

"I suppose so, yeah," said Lily.

"Do you . . . want to come?" Remus asked Mary awkwardly, looking at her feet.

"Um . . . I don't think so, sorry. Have fun," Mary replied, staring at Remus's feet in return.

"When are we going to have the snowball fight, anyway? During break or after Transfiguration?" Lily enquired.

James and Sirius looked at each other. "There'll be more light if we do it during break," James said.

"Yeah, but there's more time after Transfiguration," Sirius returned.

James lowered his voice as if he didn't want Lily to hear, but his words were still audible to her. "But after we've had all of our lessons Lily will really want to get started on homework. Let's just do it during break."

Sirius shrugged. "She's _your_ girlfriend."

James looked at Lily. "How does break sound?"

"As good a time as any, I suppose," said Lily, wondering what she was getting into.

After Potions, Lily and the Marauders made a brief stop in Gryffindor tower to grab their winter clothes and then trudged downstairs—feeling several pounds heavier due to all the warm gear they were wearing—and out onto the grounds. Only when they were in the yard did Remus say, "Hey! I just remembered! We haven't set teams!"

James frowned. "Yeah, that's true. We need teams."

"Well, we've already decided it's no fair to put Prongs and Padfoot together," said Peter.

"You know, in honor of Lily's birthday, how about 18-year-olds versus 17-year-olds?" Remus suggested. "Since today is about Lily becoming 18."

Sirius's brow furrowed. "So that would mean Lily and me against you three?"

"If that's all right with everyone, of course," said Remus. "We could do the couple versus the rest of us, but I'm not sure how much of a snowball fight that would turn out to be. What do you say, Lily?"

"Adults versus kids sounds fine by me," she said, grinning at the implied superiority.

"What do you mean, 'adults versus kids'?" James demanded. "We're all of age!"

"Oh, right," said Lily. "Sorry. Muggle habit. In the Muggle world you come of age at 18, not seventeen."

"_Weird_," said Peter.

Lily shrugged. "Petunia thought it was crazy that I came of age here last year. It's just a matter of what you're used to."

"Back to the question of teams," said Sirius, "what do you think of Moony's plan, Lily?"

"Why are you asking me? The decision affects all of us."

"Yeah, but first off it's your birthday, and secondly I'm sure _they're_ all fine with being together, so it's really a question of how you feel about being on a team with me."

Lily nodded. "I suppose. Um, yeah, I'll join you. I'm guessing you're good, right, since you're a Quidditch player and all?"

Sirius grinned. "I'm the _best_."

"Well then. Let's start!" said Lily, suddenly eager to compete. She wasn't particularly interested in having a snowball fight in particular, but she could certainly be plenty competitive, and right now she was itching to throw something, just to prove she could.

The words were hardly out of Lily's mouth, however, before a tightly packed ball of snow hit her in the stomach, hard. She doubled over, feeling the breath rush out of her lungs, although she didn't feel any pain because of the numbing potion. When she looked up, she saw Remus beaming at her. "You said we were starting" was all he said, but the irritating smile was worth an entire villainous speech.

Lily reached down, grabbed two handfuls of snow, and beat them into a tight ball. She heaved back her right arm and stepped forward with her left foot like her father had taught her, releasing the snowball just as her hand reached the height of its arc. The ball hit Remus in the shoulder, which wasn't exactly where she'd been aiming, but she threw things so infrequently that she considered any contact a victory. (Who would bother throwing anything when _Wingardium Leviosa _was so much more reliable?)

"Nice arm," said Sirius out of the side of his mouth as he lobbed a snowball at James.

Having not had many one-on-one interactions with Sirius in the past, Lily didn't quite know what to make of this. "Thanks." She dropped to one knee, glad that she'd swallowed her vanity and put on snowpants to keep herself from getting soaked, and packed together another ball of snow, which she threw at Peter. Once again, her aim was a bit off—worsened by the fact that she was still on one knee, rather than standing—and she caught his elbow rather than his chest, but a hit was a hit and she decided to feel good about that.

A snowball hit Lily; she looked up and saw James grinning mischievously. "James Charlus Potter!" she yelled almost involuntarily, finding herself suddenly on her feet with barely-packed snow in her hands and a cheek-splitting grin on her face. She ran toward him and he simply stood staring at her. She caught up to him, pulled at the collar of his coat, and dropped the snow she was holding inside his shirt.

James gasped as the cold crystals made contact with his flesh; then he put his hands on Lily's shoulders and dropped to his knees, pulling her down with him. Holding her in place with one hand, he grabbed snow in the other and shoved it against her face and hair, trying to get snow on every part of her head that wasn't covered by either her hat or her scarf.

Lily wrenched herself free of James's grip, pleased to notice that he wasn't actually holding onto her very hard, and ran laughingly back to Sirius, who seemed to have found the time to make a few extra snowballs and was now pelting James. Peter and Remus seemed to have taken a break from making and throwing snowballs in order to watch James ineffectually swatting at Sirius's incoming barrage, which caught him several times in the face, chest, and arms.

Lily took advantage of the other Marauders' distraction by making and throwing snowballs at Peter and Remus. This got their attention, and they resumed their part in the snowball fight. At about the same time, Sirius ran out of extra snowballs and had to stop to make more, allowing James a break in which he could get to his feet and brush himself out. It seemed that Peter was making snowballs for Remus and James to throw, and Lily wished that she and Sirius had a third teammate who could perform the same function.

As if reading Lily's mind—and it occurred to her that anyone who could become an unregistered Animagus was probably also capable of learning Legillimancy—Sirius muttered, "I'm faster than any of them. Have a snowball. I can make them and keep up with throwing, if you like."

Lily risked turning her head to look at him. "Thanks. That's . . ." She wasn't sure how she would have continued to express her gratitude, but she didn't get the chance to decide, because a snowball caught her on the cheek just then, reminding her not to get distracted.

The snowball fight continued for what felt to Lily like quite a while. She took a number of snowballs to various body parts and threw what felt like even more snowballs at her opponents. Sirius was as good as his word and made most of the snowballs Lily threw while still managing to throw plenty of his own. Remus's aim was surprisingly good, and James's was unexpectedly bad, but snowballs from James hurt the most because he was incredibly powerful. Lily supposed that Sirius had a powerful arm too, judging from the way the other Marauders occasionally stopped making and throwing snowballs to rub their arms and chests after having been hit by one of Sirius's shots. Lily couldn't tell what her own power was; only once did anyone stop what they were doing to react to being hit by one of her snowballs, and, given that the person in question was Peter, Lily wasn't sure how much that proved. Nevertheless, she could feel her aim getting better over the course of the game, and she was having a surprising amount of—yes, Sirius—_fun_ standing out there in the snow.

Lily was surprised when a shrill female voice started shrieking, "_Don't be late! Don't be late! Time to go! Time to go!_" from Remus's general direction. Remus removed one glove, stuck the now-naked hand inside his other cuff, and withdrew the hand a moment later, at which point the voice stopped.

"I charmed my watch," he explained. "There are 15 minutes until Defense Against the Dark Arts, so it's about time to go inside and change and dry off and get ready for class."

Everyone nodded and began trudging inside. Lily caught up with Remus and frowned at him. "Why did you make your watch have _that_ voice?"

"I . . . uh . . . I slept through everything else, actually, especially the first few days after a transformation. That voice functions as my alarm clock."

Lily gave Remus a sad smile. "I'm sorry."

Remus shrugged. "What for? _You_ didn't do anything except give me hope in humanity."

Lily took his hand briefly and squeezed it, hoping James knew enough not to feel jealous. "You've certainly done the same for me."

**A/N: You may have noticed that James and Remus still haven't given Lily her birthday presents yet. As noted in a previous A/N, this birthday really doesn't want to get written. I hope this wasn't too much pointless filler.**


	54. The Owl from Petunia

**Disclaimer: J. K. Rowling has a lot of intellectual property, including the characters and setting of this story.**

"Done!" Lily set down her quill and grinned at James and Remus, who were hovering impatiently across the table from her. She took out a ruler and held it next to her essay just to be sure. "Yep—that's ten inches of parchment exactly! And it's only eight o'clock!"

"'Only'?" James demanded playfully. "The past hour has taken_ forever_."

"Well, if you'd done your own homework or something else productive instead of watching me write for an hour, you might not have gotten so bored." But Lily was still smiling. She couldn't help it. On good days, when James was happy—well, she'd never felt anything quite like this.

"Anyway," said Remus, blushing a bit at the couple's banter, "your birthday presents."

"Guys, you didn't have—"

"It's not about 'have to,'" Remus said at the same time as James was saying, "You seriously think I'd skip getting you a birthday present?"

"I didn't get _you_ anything for_ your_ birthday," Lily said to James before nodding to Remus and continuing, "but yeah, I guess I understand that."

The boys exchanged a glance, and then Remus proffered a package. It was wrapped in plain green wrapping paper and shaped approximately like a thick book. Lily took the package and admired it for a minute until Remus said, "Well, open it!" whereupon Lily tore off the wrapping paper. This took longer than necessary, because Lily had a slight obsession with not ripping wrapping paper while she removed it, but eventually the paper was off and Lily was holding not one thick book but two thinner ones. One had a cover featuring a moving picture of a young witch and a young wizard who were circling each other, wands drawn, in a moonlit field. By contrast, the other book's cover included a stationary picture of a well-lit pile of truffles. The titles were _Star-Crossed_ and _100 British Confectionaries to Taste before You Die_, respectively.

"The chocolate one's a Muggle book, so Honeyduke's isn't in there, but then—there's Muggle _and_ magic in you, you know? I don't mean by blood, or anything about purity or whatever. I just mean . . . you're a part of both worlds. Like how you think of eighteen as adulthood, like you said this morning. You know?"

Lily smiled, softly this time, not a playful grin but an expression of understanding. "Yeah, I know."

"I'll go with you to some of those confectionaries, by the way," Remus added. "I paged through the book before I bought it and everything looks delicious."

"Chocolate is the best," Lily agreed.

"A-_hem_!" said James, half-disguised in a deliberately bad fake cough.

"The best _food_," Lily corrected herself. "Obviously, you're the best." She could feel her eyes crinkling as the playful grin returned.

"Right," said James, and then held out a package. The wrapping paper was Gryffindor-themed, and Lily wondered if James had transfigured some other type of wrapping paper to look like this. She was pretty sure you couldn't buy Gryffindor-themed wrapping paper just anywhere.

When Lily got over marveling at the paper, she carefully pulled off the Spellotape holding it in place, eventually revealing a box, approximately the right size for a piece of jewelry. Given that the words _Hogsmeade Jewelers_ were embossed on the top of the box in gold, jewelry seemed like a likely candidate for James's gift.

Just as Lily was opening the box, a loud tapping sound at the nearest window made all three of the teenagers jump. Remus, who was nearest the window, was the first to see what was outside. "It's an owl. What's an owl doing here? We get mail in the mornings."

"Maybe it's something important," replied Lily, setting her box on top of her essay and making her way to the window. "Owls can be pretty smart. Maybe this one knows its message can't wait." She turned the latch on the window and pushed out on the glass, which swung open obediently. The owl instantly proffered its leg to Lily, thrusting an envelope at her. The appearance of the envelope struck her immediately: it was made of bleached white Muggle paper, not the sepia parchment ubiquitous in the wizarding world.

It was also stained with blood.

Lily took the letter from the owl's talons, whereupon the owl flew back into the night. Sinking onto the windowsill without even bothering to close the window, Lily flipped the envelope over and read the address: "Lily Evans, Hogwarts, somewhere way the hell north of here." The handwriting was unmistakably Petunia's.

Panic coalesced and rose in Lily's chest like bubbles in the proverbial unwatched pot. She tore open the envelope, taking considerably less care than she had taken with either of the pieces of wrapping paper she had so recently encountered. With fingers that were just beginning to shake, Lily pulled a note from the envelope. It was also written in Petunia's characteristic cramped handwriting, but the letters were slightly bigger than usual and there was a definite wobble in the lines that should have been straight.

The missive said, "If you're going to be a freak, you at least ought to be a useful one. Mum has cancer. Come home and fix it if you're not too freakish to care about the death of the woman who gave you life." In a different pen, with blue ink instead of black, was a postscript: "P.S. Owls are bloody horrible animals." That explained the blood on the envelope.

Lily looked up and held out the note, directing it vaguely toward James, who was still across the table from the window and therefore from Lily. She did not feel capable of doing much else. In a strange way, she did not feel much at all.

James hurried to the window and took the note from Lily's outstretched hand. It took him mere seconds to hit the key word, the cause of Lily's speechlessness, and then he sat down beside her on the sill. He took her hand and the two sat in silence for a moment.

Remus walked over to the window, almost tiptoeing. He took the paper from James's hand, read it, and then set it on the windowsill. Then he squeezed Lily's shoulder in a wordless expression of sympathy and left. Despite the noise of the common room roiling all around them, Lily got the impression that she and James were completely alone.

"Well," James said at last, "what do you want?"

"For this to not be happening?" was Lily's only response.

"Fair enough. But it is. So now what?"

"I don't know!"

"No one ever _knows_, Lily. The point is to do something anyway." James ran his thumb down the back of Lily's hand. "You're going home, obviously. Tonight. If Dumbledore has an issue with that, he can find you. Merlin knows that man has the resources."

"But—but Petunia's wrong. I can't fix anything."

"You've made one hell of a go at fixing me," James retorted before sighing and returning to seriousness. "You have a point. Petunia will be disappointed. That won't be anything new, if what I saw last month is any indication, but it'll probably be hard in new and horrible ways. Disappointing family gets . . . harder, amid tragedy."

Lily looked at him then and said, "_James_ . . ."

James smiled sadly. "I know. I know. You'll go home. What will happen to your mum will happen to your mum, and Petunia will react the way Petunia will react. Those are things you can't affect, and they'll hurt you and they'll be horrible and I'm sorry about that. I'm so, so sorry. But there's no way to plan for those things or change them by being extra-prepared. Not even you could do that, and you're the most prepared person I've ever met. No, what you can affect—and not completely, and not always in the way that you want, but somewhat—is how you react. That, and whether I come with you."

Lily forced herself to make eye contact once again. "What?"

"I'll come with you, if you want. I would never intentionally desert you, especially not at a time like this. But I'm not so arrogant as to think that my presence always makes everything better, and if this needs to be just you and your family, or you don't want to worry about me on top of worrying about your mum, or whatever, you're certainly under no obligation to take me with you."

Silence fell for several minutes, and then Lily stood and said, "Let's go."

"Both of us?"

"Yes. I don't want to face . . . well, anything. Without you."

"I won't worry you too much?"

"The way you're being now, James . . ."

"Moony has always said that the best way to deal with being upset is to find someone more upset than you."

Lily thought back to the first time she and James had had a real conversation. Under her veneer of having everything under control, she'd still been upset about losing Severus, too upset to properly articulate it. And then James had been more upset, and, yes, that had helped her deal with her own internal conflicts. It had cost her a lot—plenty of sleep, at the very least—but in other ways it had been a way to handle an unending upset-ness. And now it seemed James was going to be put in that position where she'd found herself all those months ago. "Sometimes I think Remus is a genius."

"Oh, there's no 'think' about it," said James. "Speaking of Moony, I should tell him where we're going. He can deal with Dumbledore and then we can get you to your family without making you explain anything to anyone."

"Won't we be stopped on our way out of the castle? We can't just Apparate—"

"You're dating a Marauder, Lily. Remember that."

Lily nodded, the thought of _cancercancercancer_ invading to prevent her from reflecting further or coming up with a witty response.

James sprinted up to the boys' dormitory and came down a minute later, took Lily's hand, and pulled her out of the common room. Once the portrait hole had closed and they'd gotten a good distance from the Fat Lady, James pulled something from beneath his robes and held it up. It appeared to be a piece of semi-transparent fabric, but it was too thick to be naturally transparent, so it had to be . . . "An invisibility cloak," James explained, wrapping it around himself and Lily. "One of the biggest enablers we Marauders have. We've gotten away with so much because of it. By the way, congratulations on finding out about it. You're the only one besides the Marauders who knows. Well, my dad knew, but I'm not sure if he counts anymore."

Lily took James's hand. The silence was sad, but also comfortable. After a few moments, James led the way down the corridor. After several twists, turns, and staircases, the two found themselves at a statue Lily had never paid much attention to before, a statue of a one-eyed witch. James tapped the witch's back with his wand and muttered something, and then a hatch opened and James climbed inside. Once in, he stuck his arm back out and motioned for Lily to follow him. Lily climbed inside the statue, and the two walked together into the darkness.

**A/N: I'm going to call this the end. Obviously, the story could go on to explain Lily and James's life after Hogwarts, Harry's birth, and Lily and James's eventual death at the hands of Voldemort. But it won't. I've been working on this story for close to four years; it is not a coincidence that those four years coincide exactly with the four years of my high school career. This story has been intensely autobiographical in the worst way, and it has been the closest thing I've had to a diary throughout high school. It has been a place where I can process what's happening in my life by creating a fictitious abstraction that illuminates more than it obscures. **

**The relationship inspiring the one between Lily and James has ended, as has my time as a high schooler. I am less Lily than I have been for most of the past four years, and as such I feel I have nothing to add to this story. I hope to go into the future as a different person than the one who has been using "Heads over Heels" as a substitute for a diary, and I don't want to write this story anymore. **

**I think it's important to say that I don't endorse everything that happens in this story. The codependence, gender roles, and secrecy featured in "Heads over Heels" are all features of my reality whose problematic nature I am still in the process of realizing. "Heads over Heels" is not and never was an attempt to tell a story as it should be, but rather to tell a story as it very well could be. I believe that we are all, to some extent, muddling through issues we don't really know how to handle, and I think that one way to handle them is the way depicted in this narrative. Whether that way is good or healthy is a different question entirely, and I think that this particular narrative shows coping mechanisms and solutions that are problematic and damaging at times. This is not a how-to manual; it's a journey through a messy set of circumstances with few obvious answers. **

**The lovely thing about writing a prequel is that there are so few loose ends; that fact lessens my guilt about ending the story so abruptly. Obviously, James and Lily get married, have a son named Harry, and are murdered by Voldemort. By this point, James and Lily are both without surviving parents; Harry's only living relatives are the Dursleys. Lily fails to save her mother and Petunia never forgives her for it. Ultimately, I have little to add to Rowling's canon; I have simply manipulated it a bit in order to process my own thoughts. Thank you for your patience and interest.**


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